Lately I have been living in this world that I don’t even know anymore. I feel trapped within myself. Chained down by the things I have been holding on to for far too long. Every time I try and escape it pulls me back in. I have no choice. My marriage was going down hill; my depression spiraled out of control, my anxiety at an all time high, medicating to take some of the pain away. I don’t know myself anymore. For years I thought I had so much control over this, I was wrong. It controls me, it always has. I am on the verge of a mental break not just feeling hopeless, not begging for attention, just dead inside. NUMB. The only reason I know I am alive is from physical pain and even that I can’t handle. I try and hide; conceal it. It’s just too much; I can not hide any longer. Since I was a child I have heard voices, people calling my name, hearing crying and yelling, seeing the most graphic of day dreams stuck in a reality that was not true. Fighting to see what fantasy was and what was not. Always in fear. Fear has consumed me. I am literately embodied by fear it’s taken over. I've spent everyday of my life feeling like I am going insane. I must be crazy. Today my doctor tells me that with my O.C.P.D, P.T.S.D, Anxiety, and Depression, I also have fear of impending doom. This fear that haunts my every waking move has a name, a reason. I am no longer alone. Giving it a title doesn't make it go away but it gives me a sight in the distance of hope.
