Give it a rest

"There is hope for the helpless

Rest for the weary

Love for the broken heart

There is grace and forgiveness

Mercy and healing

He'll meet you wherever you are

Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus"

I am learning a lot about self love lately and how me taking care of myself lowers my selfishness. Not something I ever thought I would grasp the concept of but I am truly proud of myself. Doing what I have to in order to be the best person I can be which helps everyone not just myself. :)

One hell of a bumpy ride

Proverbs 31:25

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.

In a lot of my growth I have found out that giving it to God really does lift so much off of you. It doesnt give you an escape from feeling the emotions but I am learning that I have more control than I thought I did. I have more strength in me than I anticipated and my weakness came from my lack of letting God empower me. It definitely has been one hell of a bumpy ride and the worst is not over yet but instead of feeling like life is coming at me and I did something wrong to deserve it I feel like maybe I am finally doing something right and im getting a test of my faithfulness. I wont give up this time. 

Tell me I cant do it and I will show you over and over again that I can!

You make a choice

To take a chance

Or your life may never change.

This month has been really hard for me. Kind of sums up why it has been so long since the last entry that I have made. A poor excuse really because that is when I need to be doing this more but my privacy stops me sometimes. The longer this journey has gone on the more I realize that my story is just my story. Its not anyone else's and it is really not only none of my business the judgments that other people place upon my story but its also should not stop me from why I started this to begin with. I have left a lot of details out of MY story because I did not want to expose other people. As much as I would like to keep things for the sake of other people. I can't leave peaces of my own story out. I couldn't leave them out of my life, so i cannot edit them out of my story. 

In saying that and before I begin my story is my version of what I went through and as we all know there are three sides to every story. "Theirs, yours, and the truth." But that doesn't make them any less of my own experiences. 

A lot of my life I have held in for the sake of others and I do not wish to be that person anymore. The person who does things that are unspokenly asked for in hopes that it will keep me from doing one more thing wrong. That person who cannot say "No" in fear that "No" is never good enough. That person who fears being who they truly are because I try to be what everyone else wants me to be. Im taking my power back, my control, and this is me, take it or leave it. 

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I always sheltered my parents. Over the years I have learned to accept my mom for who she is. She has always been my best friend and not so much my mother. I am a product of my mother in every sense of the word. My health problems, my thought process. A lot of who I was was wrapped up in my mother. I spent most of my days worrying that she would die. We were too close to that call before and I was bitter that she did not change her life to truly live after she got a second chance. In saying that I will also say, I did the same thing. A little over two years ago I was also given a second chance, in a different form but the same situation. I spent the year after, grieving, begging, not understanding why I did not want to live, I did not feel like I deserved it but I was still here. After I stopped battling myself and what I felt was a lack of self worth I slow discovered that I never really wanted to die at all. Not one moment in those plentiful nights where I just wished for all the pain to go away did I actually bare the feelings that death was what I wanted. I never truly wanted to die, I wanted more than anything to live. And living was NOT what I was doing. I was surviving. With my father I took a more bitter approach to the situation. I felt like he was always my rock, he was my hero the person that I always looked up to and one day I hit reality and realized he is only human. 

My sister is someone that I always wanted to be. The way people saw her and the image she gave off was always just confident even when she had every reason to be completely different. Feel the opposite of how she was. There have been things in life that I have disagreed with but I always tried to look at things from her unspoken perspective. I was always mad at her for abandoning me. It wasnt her responsibility to take care of me. I wasnt her child and I everyone put that responsibility on her at such a young age. I felt like she should have done something, how she must have felt having to bear something so big being so little is exactly how I have felt in my life so I truly should have been the first one to understand that. I myself have not understood over the years why my sister started to avoid me and today it dawned on me that she is just trying to do the same thing that I have been which goes to the saying, "You cannot live a positive life with a negative mind." and that also means removing negative sources from your life.  I have been nothing but negative in the last few years so in her healing I needed to be one of those distances. Parts of the puzzle, pieces of my life are starting to make sense. Hurt, but make sense. And something my therapist said not that long ago was he felt like everyone is bombarding me now with pieces to the puzzle because my reaction is changing. In this I am slowly seeing that the same things I have been blaming other people for doing to me, I have been doing to them subconsciously. 

Now the complicated one. More complicated on titles but My children's father. There are a lot of things I have sheltered for him. Not because he felt I needed to, quite the opposite actually but I am a private person and when you are trying to, "fake it til you make it," letting your drama be known is a bit difficult especially when you are already a private person to begin with. There has been a lot that we have dealt with in our relationship. Together for 6 years. Married for 4. Two kids. Us being very young. A lot of hurt happened. A lot of things went untalked about. Unnoticed. Ignored from denial. And we were really just two kids who fell in love. We were also two kids who were like fire and gas. We ignite each other issues. He is the bipolar one, anger and frustration, lack of communication, porn problems, and is a people pleaser. I am the PTSD one, the one who gets angry and lets things build up until I explode, the one who communicates but is never clear, and the incredibly insecure one. At first when we fought all the time it was cute, a turn on, seemed like a passionate thing but with time the fighting gets exhausting and we both got exhausted until we just didnt care about ourselves anymore. We both lost sight of God, ourselves, and how to live instead of fight to survive. We blamed each other for so much that was beyond both of our control and we both failed to take responsibility when we needed to. We both felt trapped for so long until we both realized the one thing that was holding us together (our kids) wasnt even working anymore. The kids were unhappy because we were unhappy. We have started to climb out of the holes we dug ourselves in individually which created one giant hole together. We are changing, growing, and starting lives apart. Our circumstances are different than most peoples in a separation but we are doing whats best. The people most involved in our lives know and thats it. We arent involving anyone else because it really isnt anyone's business. We spent our entire relationship being lead by people who didnt have to live with the outcome. A great life lesson. 

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I am finally getting to the point in my therapy where i can honestly say I am sincerely proud of myself at how much I have learned, implemented, grown, let go of, changed, healed and just how far i have come in such a short amount of time. I will continue to push on because I am starting to like and be comfortable with who I am as a person. Growing will always be part of my journey no matter where I am in life but I am headed to the good parts. I see a light at the end of the tunnel and im surely running for it. 

Screaming Again

"Life s a beautiful melody, it's only the lyrics that are messed up."

I dont even know where to begin anymore. So much is going on and all I want to do is run as fast and as far as my will can get me from all the bullshit in life. Everyone around me is freaking out. No one is handling anything well and im barely holding together. Waiting a few weeks for a new therapist. Still sober, still self harm free and just straight bugging out. Hallucinations are at an all time high, urges suck, and I am at a constant battle to stay in this world. When I go back and forth it makes me worse because i feel like i die and come back, die and come back and each length of time differs.

Talked to my mom today about things from my childhood. Just so fucking lost, confused, scared, alone, cold, and exhausted. I just won a fight a year ago and im in a bigger battle. I thought the last one was my battle. I feel like i am completely failing at everything. Finally told my mom today that I was abused as a teenager. Almost 10 years later and I finally tell my mom. I hate that it makes it real. She thought it was someone else which leaves me questioning why I dont remember that age in my life. Is she right? Was there more? What the fuck is going on???!!!! Am I strong enough for all of this because Ive failed before and I really dont think God will save me again. I am completely doing everything I know how to in my power to get through all of this all at once. Its the most hectic thing that I have ever gone through in my life. My mental stability is crashing, my physical health, everyone around me. I cant hold anyone else up, I cant hold myself up, and yet im doing so much at once. I have no idea how any of this is happening or not happening or why God thinks that I am some how capable of doing everything. I dont know which way is up, which way is down, or where I am headed, all I know is that I constantly o back and forth from one place to another and he rocking motion is making me sick. I just want everything to stop crashing, everything to stop spinning and for the world to get quiet again but we all know what happened the last time the world was quiet for me. One silent moment in life. Just one and then everything fell again. Cant do that again. Cant have quiet. Have to learn to deal with the chaos, the noises of the battle. 

Tired of crying out to God for any amount of guidance or relief. Begging God to make it better, make me better. Make life something not even easier just not so fucked up. God Im screaming again, and I get the feeling you still cant hear me. :(

Hallways

Not okay today. Feeling alone and chaotic. The pain gets worse everyday. Hard to remember and believe that one day will be worth this much pain in one life. I fear that I am running in a long dark hallway chasing a light that just grows further and further away the more I run towards it. Legs are shaking, chest feels like it might collapse and everything in the peripheral is just blurred and passing by. You keep running even though you lost where you're running to and hope your legs don't give before you reach the light.

A Soul Sinking in a Sea of Trouble

"She was the sweetest ever

Whatever happened to forever

She never say never, she rather say whatever

I'd rather stay together and she'd rather chase the devil

Now I'm left to race the rebel

Bartender make it several

Turn up the bass and treble

How 'bout I make it metal

I'm such a fatal fellow

and shes the reason why."

Stress consumes me. I can't feel my soul anymore. All i feel is dark and pain or overwhelming numb, honestly beyond numb almost like I am not capable of feeling at all. That feeling of where am I, how the fuck did i get here? I dont even know this place anymore, these people, these memories. Learning every aspect of your last six years was a brighter fantasy that you created in your head when everything was just as fucked up as you felt it was but convinced yourself it was your paranoia. Found out today that my miscarriage that I have been blaming myself for over the past 6 years wasnt my fault at all. Feel like the walls of my life are shaking, the walls of who I thought I was, the walls of everything I knew, I gave up everything for this. Look where that got me. Fuck this fantasy, I dont want it anymore. Caught between wanting to really wake up and wanting to just create another dream to keep this part of me going. Its conflicting and fucking sucks.  I know exactly what I want but sitting and staring at everything I dont want is trying.

The tragedy of life is in what dies inside a man while he lives - the death of genuine feeling, the death of inspired response, the awareness that makes it possible to feel the pain or the glory of other men in yourself.

Norman Cousins

All of my emotions are taking over lately. Pain is crimpling. Tomorrow will be a long day.

Dizzy Spells

“Broken glass. It's just like glitter, isn't it?”
― Pete Doherty

So much is going on lately. I feel like I am stuck between hell, heaven, and middle school. How much does it cost to buy an island??!! 

Sink, Swim, Fly, or Fall

"This is it. It’s fight or flight. When there’s nothing left for you to do to fix that one thing bringing you down. You've gotta learn. You've gotta decide. When there’s nothing left to say, at first you can run. Run as far away, trying your hardest to escape it all, let it go and live on. But you know...you will never escape. It’ll all come undone again in time. You can hide it as much as you want, it’ll still come back. So then, you've got to fight. You've got to learn that what you’re feeling is wrong, and you've got to live with the consequences. It’s the only way, the only way to learn. You've got to fight for love because in the end, if you run away, you will only regret the decision for the rest of your life. So fight."-Unknown

Has your mind ever been so loud that its silent? Yup I'm there.

How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I'd see you
This darkness would turn to light

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I'm so used to living underneath the surface

Trapped under this pressure and all I can feel is the tide rising. You're in the shallows and then tide comes before you can run the other direction. I don't know where to go from here. All I can do is panic and panic makes me feel like I am going insane. Is this all in my head? Is this some fucked up delusional paranoia? Nothing feels real anymore, nothing. I don't know if I'm sinking, swimming, drowning, or just trying to hold my breath. I am trying to lean on God for comfort and a feeling of safety but all I want to do is numb this all away but I can't and wont go that route. I don't do being scared well. Just have to make it through to a new day....I hope.

So much running through my head. Everything is spinning round and round and I can't tell if I am present or completely separated from everything going on right now. Those moments where your head is so unclear, the room spins, your body aches, nothing feels real, and you feel like maybe you arent really handling things as well as you thought you were. When you stop being in a mode and finally realize you are just not okay in this moment. Not that it will stay but that it feels like it hit you out of no where and all your days feel like they have just ran together. Sometimes its hard to stay sober, clean, and no self harming, etc to numb what already feels numb or maybe to feel what isnt present when your mind escapes you but I know none of that helps. Makes it hard when you still battle things like eating disorders and things that are on the same wave length. Tired of all the stupid masks and disassociation that doesnt even happen on purpose. On-ward to a new day, a new opportunity. 

Never Ending Journey

Happiness is not a reward – it is a consequence. Suffering is not a punishment – it is a result"~Robert Ingersoll 

Trying to keep in an overall positive mind frame about everything in life and what has happened in the past in general. Trying to make amends with everything that has gone wrong to see the bigger picture. I have been pondering, reflecting, and sorting things out mentally on a different level to try to see things from a different viewpoint than I normally do. Just trying to better myself, well continue to better myself as much as possible. Truly a never ending journey. 

Brainwashing

Lately I haven't blogged much. Been spending a lot of time just enjoying the moment of things and trying no to be so wrapped up in things that I didn't have much control over at the time. I know I am not don't grieving but I also cant just sit here and dwell on it like it was something that I could have just changed or done differently I am trying to use radical acceptance to just know that this wasn't my fault. I need to stop blaming myself for everything that happens in my life. Not everything that happens or goes wrong in my life is a product of things that I have done wrong and I have to start believing that. I was brain washed to believe everything I did was wrong and now I have to undo all of that a step at a time.

Spinning in Circles

“No wonder I'm dizzy, the world keeps spinning in circles”.

Lately has been like spinning in circles so fast you get sick and dizzy. I feel like that 24/7 now. I go from happy to giggly to sad to wanting to break down in tears. I feel like I cant even keep in one direction. I feel so confused about whether I am getting better or worse, healing or breaking down.My head always feels so clouded and hurts like I can't even mentally function.

Burning pages

“Letting go doesn't mean that you don't care about someone anymore. It's just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.”
― Deborah Reber

I am so tired of having such long days and nights. Having argument after argument about things that don't matter with people who truly just don't care about the outcomes. It is so exhausting being the only considerate person sometimes especially when I am the one who always has to bare the consequences of what other people say and do. I am so tired of feeling run down, exhausted, stressed out, and ignored in the one time where I truly need none of the above. Wish I could just say fuck it all and run far, far away from all of these responsibilities that people leave me to deal with. I am trying my best to let go, grow as a person, and keep myself above water while grieving all of these different things and the shit that keeps happening doesn't help. >.<

Where am I?

"If you die when there's no one watching and 

your ratings drop and you're forgotten
if they kill you on their TV
you're a martyr and a lamb of god
nothing's going to change
nothing's going to change the world"

I hate feeling like an undesirable of the world. I feel like I am falling through the air, painfully slow, grabbing for anything as I drop lower and lower. Watching everything pass me by, feeling stings of the wind and nothing else. Nothing feels real today. I feel like everything has changed. I opened my eyes and the whole world is just distorted images of things I don't remember. Is this really my life? When did this all change? What the fuck happened?

Grief, the revealing

“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.”
― John Green

I think a lot of people probably wont understand the grieving process that I am going through and the loss that I feel I am going through but I think at this point it's not really for anyone else to understand and I am getting more comfortable in just doing what I feel is right to heal at the moment rather than spending all of my time focusing on whether or not I am doing it in the "right" way to everyone else's standards. Everyone grieves differently and this just happens to be the way I feel comfortable dealing with it. 

I bought my tub today. I decided to do a tub and not a box because I wanted it to be something more substantial than cardboard. I found the one that I wanted and decorated the lid how I wanted it. It's not done or perfect yet but I know that will come with time. I bought some things that I wanted to go in it, some things that are just baby stuff that I really liked that I spent a lot of time picking out and other things had meaning of things that I never got to do that I will never get to do now. I also decided that I am going to be gender specific in my grieving process and the things I got were for a girl. It just felt right and that's what I am going with, with how I feel and what feels right to express all of this and then secure it in a safe place (the box). I also decided today that during main holidays like Christmas I am going to find a special ornament or item to put in the box, then on the anniversary of my surgery and things like that, after I am done getting the main things together or just when I need to put something into the box. My husband and I also decided today that we will think of a name for the baby that we would have had, a girl, and put that in the box too. I told him that I am not ready for that yet. It seems so final and I just don't think that I am there yet. I think that will be one of the last things that I put in there. It's been really hard actually dealing with how I am feeling and not just ignoring it. It hurts and a lot of the time I just want to run away from it all and not deal with it but I know I can't just do that forever.

Perception

“Many realities are hidden behind walls of perception.”
― Toba Beta



So yesterday I think it was, I was talking about me needing more ideas to deal with everything that is going on. I finally figured out what I want to do with the whole surgery, infertile thing. I am going to do a box of memories but things that I would have wanted to do but never had the opportunity to. My mind is really chaotic and doesn't make a ton of sense right now so I don't have a ton to say tonight. I've been in pain today and very mentally exhausted. Had to be around someone who was drunk last night and it really sent me into a panic which really exhausted me today. My husband and I have been bickering a lot lately because he's been stressed out, I just keep telling him that I don't want to argue. I am a little in shock that it is already Sunday night and he goes back to work Tuesday morning.

Fear

“There are many who don't wish to sleep for fear of nightmares. Sadly, there are many who don't wish to wake for the same fear.”
― Richelle E. Goodrich

So, I went back a little bit since I only blogged because I was upset earlier and not really summing up last night and my whole day today. I must say it's quite a bitch when you don't know what sucks worse; your dreams while you're asleep or your reality when you're awake. I can't escape any of this at all between the two. Woke up frantically shaking this morning from having a dream last night that I mysteriously found out I was pregnant despite my surgery. Which I will clarify that if it ever even happens the baby will die or need to be aborted. Since I no longer have fallopian tubes the baby would be an ectopic pregnancy. These baby dreams are getting old. 

On a different note my mom called me today. I cried really hard because at what seemed to be the end of our conversation she decided to say that she knows even though I didn't say it that I am suffering. It was a very hard conversation to have. She also made me promise her that I would be okay which it's obvious that I am not okay right now, but I think she means not plummeting again. It was a hard conversation to have because normally we avoid talking about things like that. My mother and I are so much alike that we do things in such similar ways and have such similar health issues that I know she knows what I am going through and we handle things in such similar fashions. I was upset though because she stopped taking her medication so she could drink since she hasnt in almost a week. That was really upsetting to me. I told her that she's not allowed to die on me. 

Emotionally, I have been on a rollercoaster lately but because of my best friend who is really making sure that I actually handle what I am going through instead of just suppressing it like I always do, it's been so new and different of feelings. I am not sure how to even describe them. I've been trying to do a mood tracker and a gratitude journal everyday along with a worry box. I decided for my friend's death anniversary which is something that I normally also suppress; grieving, that this year I am going to write her a letter for her two year anniversary and tie it to a balloon to release. I'm still thinking of other ways to handle the other situations but one step at a time, one day at a time.

Silent Screaming

I feel like I don't even know what to say anymore. I am so tired of being shut down when I try to express myself to people who should at least try and hear what I am saying to them. When you sit in a room and all you feel like doing is screaming and crying because you have to force yourself to sit in silence even though you're screaming on the inside is the worst most God awful feeling in the world. It makes me feel like an outcast or like I am not important enough to be heard in the first place. I am not sure why I even try to express myself verbally anymore. I just feel crushed.

One day at a time?

"And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.”

― Friedrich Nietzsche



It's mind blowing that one situation can change your entire life. I feel like all that I am doing lately is going through the motions. I'm not happy and I'm not sad. Sometimes I feel like screaming and crying and just breaking down and other times I feel like maybe I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I see babies and sometimes I want to just squeeze them and cry and other times I want to run as far away as possible from everyone and everything. I feel defective, like they took something away that makes me disfigured. It makes me feel repulsive and disgusting, like there is something wrong with me and everyone should run away. Like they will catch some disease. Sometimes I am optimistic and other times I feel so stressed out like I am going to blow. Like a ticking time bomb. I guess just one day at a time.

What kind of fantasy is this?

''Everything you're running from is in your head.''

I keep waking up in a panic. Fight or flight is hitting me hard but all I want to do is run away. I want to run, run far until I can't see any of this anymore. I feel like everything is happening in slow motion. This pain feels like it's never going to end and the more I talk to people in similar situations the more scared I get that this will always just be another deep scar that I carry around with me. I fear that this pain is never going to go away. 

Why me? Why did this have to happen to me? Why did the one thing that ever meant something to me, something so small that so many people take for granted, something that I always just wanted to be able to utilize get taken away from me? Everything that makes me who I am, what I love, what I enjoy gets taken away from me little by little until I feel like there isn't anything left anymore. Who the hell am I? What does this mean now? When is this sharp, can't breath feeling going to go away? I know I am a strong person and I have been through a lot but when does life say, "Maybe she's had enough." 

Nightmare

"Hush little baby don't say a word 

And never mind that noise you heard 
It's just the beast under your bed 
In your closet in your head."

Today was amazing but terrible at the same time. We had my friend's ultrasound today. It was so amazing and so adorable because the baby moved all around for us. Found out she is nine weeks and due in may. We have another ultasound in 4 weeks. That part of my day was awesome and exciting.. I feel so blessed to be a part of all of that with them and so thankful for them to allow me to be such a big part of their experience. 

Except then I took a nap and had a weird dream, the pain started getting worse and then little by little my emotions started getting worse. I think it's finally starting to hit me because I sat there trying to draw my best friend a picture for her wall and I had my bucket of craft stuff open. I went to grab a new colored marker and I saw the exacto knife sitting there. It's like time stopped and I saw myself grab it and cut open my incision but bigger. It was so awful and so terrible. I'm not sure why it even came to me but I couldn't get it out of my head. I shut the bucket and ran to the shower. Maybe it's because I feel like it's not real and seeing missing pieces makes it more real. I really don't know on that one, but it scared me. I see the incision, I feel the pain, I look at the incision on my arm of my missing birth control and it's the only reminder that this isnt all some crazy ass, fucked up nightmare. I keep thinking that maybe I will wake up and all of this will go away. I feel like I am living in a nightmare. An ugly, nasty, awful, terrible nightmare. It is bringing me to my miscarriage which I also never dealt with and the combination is overwhelming. 

What's real anymore?

   

                                 

"Scars have the strange power to remind us that our past is real.”
― Cormac McCarthy

Things have been so chaotic lately. It's hard to even wrap my head around everything. I feel like nothing is real, like nothing that has happened has actually happened. Like I am sitting in some fucked up, crazy dream that I can't wake up from. I know it's real, I now have two scars and pain to prove it but mentally I just can't accept it. I look down at this scar on my stomach, I touch it, and I get scared. There is no turning back from this and it's so hard having people not understand how this effects me. It's not like I had my youngest and said okay this is it, we don't want anymore, we sure of this, we'll do this. No, we wanted more, we were waiting for perfect timing, and then we were faced with this and its not like getting your tubes tied, they removed my fallopian tubes completely. I just, I'm so confused right now. 

My husband has been helpful in the way of the kids but his attitude sucks and its really making things mentally for me a lot harder. I feel like we should be in this together, since we made this decision together and its me, handling it without him like I do everything else. I know its hard for him too but it actually happened to me. Whatever he is feeling, I am feeling to a higher extent because I was the one cut open and defeminized not him. He has been so moody and not understanding at all, he wants to fight and right now that's the last thing on the earth I truly wish to be doing is fighting with him. I already feel worthless being here, wanting a baby, but not being able to have one and then we fight and it makes me feel like I am less of a person. Like a terrible, broken, I dont even know. Just makes me feel like everyone who should be support for me isnt. 

Then you have my mom, who has kidney stones and is on bed rest, completely drugged up, sick, and has been getting sicker over the last few months because she drinks all the time. Bad timing to find that out. I dont even know what to say anymore. I feel like I dont know anyone around me. My friends, my family, everyone whose ever made all these promises to me has never been able to keep them. It hurts. I feel like maybe I was never the stranger, maybe I just look around and dont know any of these people anymore. 

On a side not, I have the deepest appreciation for my two best friends right now. Especially my person. I couldnt have survived these two surgeries without her. To feel like someones walking the path with you makes it seem less scary, less lonely, just less shitty. It's nice to know someone truly cares about how I am doing. My other friend is pregnant. She has been above and beyond to involved me whole heartedly since she found out when i found out about her surgery and her husband has gone so above and beyond as well. Her first ultrasound is tomorrow. Im excited. They also told me today that when the gender apt comes along I am the only one who is allowed to know until we do a gender reveal party. It's very exciting feeling like im getting to do some of the things I missed out on doing, and being so involved with her kids as well as her with mine and me with the baby. My friends are just amazing and I feel so blessed to have these friendships while I am going through this disaster. 

In about a week or so I find out the results to my biopsies that were taken from my first surgery last week. I am nervous, we know i have pre cancerous cells but the biopsy will tell us my diagnosis. I am scared that I wont have one at all and that I will just be pushed back into this awful nasty cycle just like how my uterine problems started and obviously we all know how that ended up. Well I guess that's all for today. Just feels so unreal, everything, the good and bad. One day at a time i guess, it's all anyone can do. 

Everything's changing

Ohhh
Put me back together
I fell apart
You are Creator
You understand my heart

Man is prone to wander
I feel it everyday
Put me back together
Won't You find a way

The crow and the butterfly

"Just like a crow chasing the butterfly
dandelions lost in the summer sky
When you and I were getting high as outer space,
I never thought you'd slip away
I guess I was just a little too late

Your words still serenade me,
Your lullabies won't let me sleep
I've never heard such a haunting melody.
Oh, it's killing me
You know I can barely breathe."



Things have been pretty unexplainable lately. Not in a bad way just different. I successfully had surgery #1, waiting for #2 on monday. As i get closer my mind gets more hectic, more racing, more insane. I can't really sort out my thoughts at this point, not much of it makes enough sense to. I keep secretly second guessing my decision to have consented on this surgery. I will be calm and then all of a sudden it will pop in my head, "What if I am making a mistake?", "What if I am over exaggerating and I am going to ruin my life over this?" But then i think no,i cant blame myself. A doctor wouldnt have chosen this being my dr for so many years out of a whim. We've done every test, every procedure, every hormone, every pill, every birth control combination. I pass by the baby sections of stores and I have to close my eyes and walk fast. How do you just get over something you see everywhere you go? I try so hard in life to not question the decisions God makes and the paths he brings me to. I really try my hardest to not say why me, why this, why now, why, why, why. I know that somewhere down the line I will understand and that I cannot question this but its so hard not to question the reasoning behind this. I always wanted to adopt so its not like its a forceful way to get me to do so, all I can think is that I am being punished but I know I cant think that way either. Its like a battle in my brain 24/7 of thinking something then trying to think of reasons why i shouldnt think that way then trying to force myself to not think at all. In 3 days my entire life is going to change.

New song

Captivate
Take the hate
Stop drowning in your fears

Let go
Take control
Or drown in floods of tears

Take down what's takes you with it
Wasted time, no need to relive it
Keep pressing on and on

Lullabies and words that shake you
Take your place, they won't mistake you
What's the price you'll give to live today

Wake up, for real this time
Don't just live another lie
Breathe the breath you've held for far too long

It's never too late to sing a brand new song

A new beginning?

                                

Things are changing in every way lately and it's odd to say the least. It's making me nervous because with good change comes opportunity to lose it all. My "ride or die soul sister" up and walked away but I guess that's life,especially mine. But, with bad loss comes great gain sometimes. Ive gotten very close in a friendship with someone who is different from everyone I've ever known. She isn't different because of what she says or when but her actions. Our friendship is so unique and rare because I don't have to force to trust or believe her, I just do because she doesn't just talk she does and she listens, asks, cares. It's not about me just helping her, or me trying to force myself to open up. It's an insane and new feeling. 

On the opposite end, being so open means actually talking about and dealing with my emotions and life. Two surgeries coming up and emotions come in waves now. I had an awful dream about being pregnant and giving birth to a little girl, Anna bell. She disappeared at the end of my dream. 

My husband took time off of work to be here And help with my surgeries which is new and nice. My new friendship has also blossomed into a fellowship so to speak. She has interest in my life goal and I'm excited to teach her. Little by little we get closer in the outreach and I feel like I'm carrying out my purpose. Maybe this is all the new beginning I've been searching for for so long.

Bittersweet Symphony

"Well, then suddenly

There was no one left standing in the hall, yeah yeah
In a flood of tears
That no one really ever heard fall at all

Well, I went searchin' for an answer
Up the stairs and down the hall
And not to find an answer
Just to hear the call
Of a nightbird singing "Come away"

Just like the white winged dove
Sings a song, sounds like she's singing
Ooo, baby, ooo
Said "Ooo"

You know its the most tender, loving, bittersweet, aching feeling to rock and cuddle your baby whose just not a baby anymore and realize that the cuddles are going to end soon, she is soon to be two years old and that will be your last baby you get to rock, your last baby you get to smell and cuddle. Your last baby that will grip you tight when you hold them even tighter. Hard night tonight.This situation has without a doubt made me not take a single moment for granted with my kids and has really opened my eyes but as much as that is a positive in the situation that doesn't make the pain go away. I went to being strong today, positive, feeling like i understood that I don't understand the reasoning behind this now but I will one day to just emotional. I fell like I am becoming that "broken mommy" the one who will like cling to ever child they see because I am longing for something that I cannot have. I dont even know what more to say.

Punished: The Girl Who Doesn't Believe in Coincidence

“There I was, cold, isolated and desperate for something I knew I couldn't have.
A solution. A remedy. Anything.

...I hated it. Alone and confused was the last place I wanted to be.
Somehow I knew I deserved this.” 
― Brian Krans, A Constant Suicide


Well after five very long years of battling one uterine issue after another we hit our last option. Five years, three specialists, two clinics, and soon to be two surgeries later I will no longer have my God given ability to have kids. I have been disassociating so bad, not really talking to anyone about it which I know is a "no-no" almost all of my closest friends do not even know yet. I am just not ready to face this. I feel so defeated. My doctor even cried, said she feels like she failed me because I am so young and we did not want this. But we have tried everything there is, every birth control, we did the procedure, tried different pills and hormones. And I feel like I dont have a right to be upset because I already have two kids and I feel like I deserve this. I deserve to never get all the experiences that I never did, that I will never get to. I will never get to have maternity pictures or a gender reveal, I will never get to decorate a nursery or get the opportunity to breastfeed, I will never get to have a baby in the good portion of my strong marriage which it was not before. But it is hard because i dont believe in coincidence which makes it harder because i also dont believe that god punishes us in these kinds of ways either but i believe in karma. Its the most confusing set of beliefs ever. I am just so conflicted and it has not fully hit me yet and I know when it does I am in big trouble. I have always wanted nothing more then to be a mom, have three or so kids, just try and grow as a mom watching my kids grow. I am very blessed to have had two children when they told me I would not be able to have any at all but that does not make this hurt any less. This makes me feel like I am less of a women or a person to not be able to do something that is a God given, normal function. Having that ripped away from you. To be told you can NEVER have another child. That is the most devastating thing to hear. That's all I can say atm.

Radical Acceptance

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 
the courage to change the things I can, 
and the wisdom to know the difference."



I had a gap in posting again with so much going on and my mind just not being in a remembering place. I've been in and out of the hospital, not feeling well at all. My body is shutting down and I've been having severe flare ups. They are saying instead of me having IBS that i have IBD so either crohnes disease or colitis. Didn't need another incurable, painful, chronic health problem and I am having a hard time keeping so positive about the situation. It's hard not to feel like why me, why do I always have so many problems, why do i try so hard to do such good things if all i get back is shit after shit. But i know its not okay to think that way and I just need to accept it so I don't get bitter. I am on bed rest and they want me on a clear liquid diet which obviously i cannot do or i will relapse on my eating disorder. My kids are visiting their Nana so i am supposed to follow through with my resting. It's hard when everyone is saying the same thing about me not deserving being so sick all the time. Life just isnt on a deserve basis and by me agreeing with them or feeling that way it doesnt change anything it only allows me to continue to hurt myself with what's going on. I guess that's all I can say right now.

This is war

A warning to the people,
The good and the evil,
This is war.

To the soldier, the civilian,
The martyr, the victim,
This is war.

It's the moment of truth, 
and the moment to lie,
The moment to live and the moment to die,
The moment to fight,
the moment to fight
To fight, to fight, to fight!

To the right, To the left
We will fight to the death!
To the edge of the earth
It's a brave new world
From the last to the first
To the right, To the left
We will fight to the death!
To the edge of the earth.

Another filler post. I need to get on myself about blogging on a more regular basis but here I am switching blogs and shifting posts again. Really tried to push to post on the original one but its not a possibility another. It is not a safe place and if I don't have a safe place I cant blog. I have had a lot of deception lately. Someone tried to call CPS on me. Someone close to our family. Really took me back but I've completely separated and disassociated from the situation completely. As if it never happened at all. I called that person, flipped out, talked it out so to speak, and it still affects me but it has turned into paranoia. Me trying to be perfect again. Every time I feel like I do not have to be perfect something huge and crucial happens that says, "NO, You go right back there and you fake your stuff, you kill yourself to try and be perfect. If you're not perfect you are nothing. You're not good enough. You'll never be good enough." Which of course makes my eating disorder battle a fucking million in a half times worse. I have really been forcing myself to eat, combating all the bullshit drama, all the emotions, all the health problems and just trying to remain busy and calm. Husband is on another fire as always and I am just trying to push through the next 2 months to make it through another season. Then we can go back to just full time work but him coming home. It is hard battling it all on my own and taking care of the kids on my own, dealing with all the bills, all the questions, all the apts, all the everything because i am the only one here to do it. Two days or so a month just isnt enough. But I appreciate the huge sacrifice we all give so other people can live and survive. He loves what he does and I stick behind that. With all the paranoia and disassociation I am a little bit hesitant that the schizophrenic diagnosis was ever wrong. Maybe it is true, I mean it is genetic and my mom does have it. It doesn't really need a label since I can't get any actual help anyways. I really think I need to be proud of myself for combating all of this alone without medication, without therapy, without support. I am not feeling well today so that's all i have for right now but hopefully I can stick with this. I need to do this.

I don't even know what to say at this moment. So much has gone on and I hate night time. All of my friends are abandoning me. The not people that I trust are kicking me when I'm down. I'm not sure how I am doing as well as I am. I can't even say that all day every day is terrible. I am just so sick of so much drama and lies and people being conniving and deceptive. I don't understand why people can't just be straight forward. I wish I was just talking about one person so I could vent and feel better but it's so many people that it is beyond overwhelming. But tomorrow is a new day and I am counting down days until I can have my husband home for those two days again. This fire season is really taking its tole on me. I never thought it would get harder as he's been there longer. I just need real rest and then I can bounce back with vengeance. I'm just so exhausted in every sense but where there is a will there is a way.

"Either the well was very deep, or she fell very slowly, for she had plenty of time as she went down to look about her, and to wonder what was going to happen next."


Down, down, down. Would the fall never come to an end? "I wonder how many miles I've fallen by this time?" she said aloud.


I guess I am taking the plunge back into blogging. I feel so exhausted about not being true to myself or this process of blogging my story. There are so many huge details and events that I have left out of my blog in order to shelter people from harm. But in reality that is not fair to me. I should not have to bottle up all of my emotions in order to shelter those people who do take the time to read this. but I must trust my instincts and the process. If I ever want to be better I have to allow myself to open up and if I cannot even do that on an anonymous blog then there is a giant problem with other people controlling my life. I apologize ahead of time if anyone gets offended by this process but it is my own reality, my own mind, and my own life and if I do not have a safe place to let out my emotions then I am digging my own grave so take your pick.



I feel very abandoned lately by a lot of people. I am so tired of living life alone, not having anyone to see or talk to in person, not having any positive energy in my life. The only people I ever see are my children and frankly no person can live off of that alone. My "family" and "friends" never check to see if I am okay or how I am doing with my husband never being home. How I am doing raising two kids on my own, one who of which is special needs.



The stress is kicking my ass, flaring my health problems, killing me by really affecting my insomnia. My kids have been not sleeping and sleeping in weird spurts. Its just a lot to handle on your own. My soul sister is the only one getting me through right now. That and music. But she is far away too. I text her every waking minute and music has been how I cope but I hope it will be enough. I have made so much progress in the last two years I would be so devastated to just plummet again. I finally got my eating disorder under control because i promised my soul sister I would focus on that right now. Eating healthy and not depriving myself. She makes me accountable and I have been doing that. She made a promise to me as well. We have really been holding each other above water even though sometimes, especially for her, it doesn't feel that way.



I fell like Alice falling down the rabbit hole. It's not dark and I am not afraid but I am curious and not sure of where I will end up next. I know the hole leads to somewhere but is it to the light or the dark? And then I have this huge fear right now of losing my soul sister. I went through losing someone to suicide and it still eats at me daily. She's the closest person I have ever had to letting someone in whole heartedly and I just cannot afford to lose that connection. She is the only person who has gotten me to open up this much and so naturally. She understands and accepts all the bad shit that I go through and actually understands it since she has been there and is there herself.



There is just so much going on through my brain. I am so good normally at moving forward with each day but in a way I feel like doing that has been unhealthy because I am just pushing things under the rug so to speak instead of really handling the issue and then moving forward. So now that I am alone and emotional everything surfaces and then I sit here like FUCK! I can't deal with all this shit on my own. It is like your entire past comes to kick you in the ass when you're already not doing your fullest potential. I guess that is all that I have for today. I am going to try and do this more often.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us."





I am really at battle with myself lately. Being indecisive about what I want, what I am doing, what i should be doing, if i am doing good enough, if i should even be blogging. I feel like I am not being true to myself in a lot of areas of my life. I am so tired of hiding all the time, worrying what everyone will think, worrying about being continuously judged all the time. Tired of trying to be perfect for everyone!

I have so much going on in my brain that it feels like my brain is spilling over. I try and talk things out verbally in hopes that I will brainstorm and a solution will appear but as each issue appears it piles up and becomes just one more thing. My secret used to be to tell myself that I am strong, I can do this, you've been through worse but that's not working. I don't feel like giving up I just feel useless. Idk I don't even think its that so much as helpless. I'm trying to work with one situation at a time but some don't have easy solutions or permenant ones. I'm just so confused and I need more people who I regularly talk to. Not having many friends typically doesn't bug me but sometimes it's hard not to want a consistent and unbiased support system. My family really doesn't even know half of it because they aren't unbias and they are so busy and consumed in their own worlds and minds. I will get through this. I am strong. I am independent. I am hopeful. I am true. I am brave. I am strong willed. I will get through this.

Blogging

I've been thinking a lot about this blogging stuff. I feel so conflicted and at war with this. I want to share my story, I always have but how much should you compromise in order to do so freely? To set aside being judged and criticised to just be honest with yourself?

Mama drama

My mind has been racing a lot more often lately. Seems like I just can't shake it. My anxiety is pretty high. I had almost completely stopped pulling for about a month and then boom here I am again at square one. We are in fire season now so of course we have to deal with the uncertainty of never knowing when or if my husband will be home or come home for that matter.  I am okay with that. It comes with the job, though the first call was emotional for me.

Recently we hit reality that if we do not have another baby in the next few years that we may never have another one because of my health problems especially revolving around my uterus. It is a hard decision to try and face. Am I a good enough mom for three kids? Are we ready for another kid? Do we even need another child? Do I want one because of my mistakes in the past that I made with my kids and the times that I wasn't whole heartedly there because I was ill minded? Would I face a mental decline if I were to have another baby? Could I handle the stress of basically single parenting three kids since my husband is not home so often?  Would I have enough support? Just lots of things to consider. I went about all the steps, thought it out, prayed, hesitated, questioned myself, talk to my mom, close friends, my husband, my doctor. I came to a conclusion that it was not a good time. As much as my heart yurns for that expirience again, the full experience that I was not able to get the first two times I am faced with the fact that I may not ever get it and that's hard. It definitely brings out all of my insecurities and I question myself every second as it is.

I have hit this spot where though I do appreciate every second with my children I feel like I need to surround myself with appreciation every moment that I have them because I don't want to seem ungrateful. I do have two beautiful kids. One boy, one girl. I have everything and more I could have asked for when it came to having kids. I feel like saying that I long for another one makes me seem like I feel incomplete with my own children. I do not feel incomplete, I feel saddened that I cannot have a do over in some of the areas that I have faced in becoming who I am and  being a parent, becoming a better parent and continuing this journey of growth as every parent stives to do daily.

I know that I wake up everyday with an understanding that today is a new day and I will try my damnedest to do and give my all to these kids that I love with all of my heart. I know I am not perfect but is that enough? Is that drive enough to be enough for a whole new life on top of these beautiful kids that I am already blessed with? And that is a question that I just don't have an answer to.

I know that I am a better mom then I was but not as good as I used to be.