Give it a rest

"There is hope for the helpless

Rest for the weary

Love for the broken heart

There is grace and forgiveness

Mercy and healing

He'll meet you wherever you are

Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus"

I am learning a lot about self love lately and how me taking care of myself lowers my selfishness. Not something I ever thought I would grasp the concept of but I am truly proud of myself. Doing what I have to in order to be the best person I can be which helps everyone not just myself. :)

One hell of a bumpy ride

Proverbs 31:25

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.

In a lot of my growth I have found out that giving it to God really does lift so much off of you. It doesnt give you an escape from feeling the emotions but I am learning that I have more control than I thought I did. I have more strength in me than I anticipated and my weakness came from my lack of letting God empower me. It definitely has been one hell of a bumpy ride and the worst is not over yet but instead of feeling like life is coming at me and I did something wrong to deserve it I feel like maybe I am finally doing something right and im getting a test of my faithfulness. I wont give up this time. 

Tell me I cant do it and I will show you over and over again that I can!

You make a choice

To take a chance

Or your life may never change.

This month has been really hard for me. Kind of sums up why it has been so long since the last entry that I have made. A poor excuse really because that is when I need to be doing this more but my privacy stops me sometimes. The longer this journey has gone on the more I realize that my story is just my story. Its not anyone else's and it is really not only none of my business the judgments that other people place upon my story but its also should not stop me from why I started this to begin with. I have left a lot of details out of MY story because I did not want to expose other people. As much as I would like to keep things for the sake of other people. I can't leave peaces of my own story out. I couldn't leave them out of my life, so i cannot edit them out of my story. 

In saying that and before I begin my story is my version of what I went through and as we all know there are three sides to every story. "Theirs, yours, and the truth." But that doesn't make them any less of my own experiences. 

A lot of my life I have held in for the sake of others and I do not wish to be that person anymore. The person who does things that are unspokenly asked for in hopes that it will keep me from doing one more thing wrong. That person who cannot say "No" in fear that "No" is never good enough. That person who fears being who they truly are because I try to be what everyone else wants me to be. Im taking my power back, my control, and this is me, take it or leave it. 

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I always sheltered my parents. Over the years I have learned to accept my mom for who she is. She has always been my best friend and not so much my mother. I am a product of my mother in every sense of the word. My health problems, my thought process. A lot of who I was was wrapped up in my mother. I spent most of my days worrying that she would die. We were too close to that call before and I was bitter that she did not change her life to truly live after she got a second chance. In saying that I will also say, I did the same thing. A little over two years ago I was also given a second chance, in a different form but the same situation. I spent the year after, grieving, begging, not understanding why I did not want to live, I did not feel like I deserved it but I was still here. After I stopped battling myself and what I felt was a lack of self worth I slow discovered that I never really wanted to die at all. Not one moment in those plentiful nights where I just wished for all the pain to go away did I actually bare the feelings that death was what I wanted. I never truly wanted to die, I wanted more than anything to live. And living was NOT what I was doing. I was surviving. With my father I took a more bitter approach to the situation. I felt like he was always my rock, he was my hero the person that I always looked up to and one day I hit reality and realized he is only human. 

My sister is someone that I always wanted to be. The way people saw her and the image she gave off was always just confident even when she had every reason to be completely different. Feel the opposite of how she was. There have been things in life that I have disagreed with but I always tried to look at things from her unspoken perspective. I was always mad at her for abandoning me. It wasnt her responsibility to take care of me. I wasnt her child and I everyone put that responsibility on her at such a young age. I felt like she should have done something, how she must have felt having to bear something so big being so little is exactly how I have felt in my life so I truly should have been the first one to understand that. I myself have not understood over the years why my sister started to avoid me and today it dawned on me that she is just trying to do the same thing that I have been which goes to the saying, "You cannot live a positive life with a negative mind." and that also means removing negative sources from your life.  I have been nothing but negative in the last few years so in her healing I needed to be one of those distances. Parts of the puzzle, pieces of my life are starting to make sense. Hurt, but make sense. And something my therapist said not that long ago was he felt like everyone is bombarding me now with pieces to the puzzle because my reaction is changing. In this I am slowly seeing that the same things I have been blaming other people for doing to me, I have been doing to them subconsciously. 

Now the complicated one. More complicated on titles but My children's father. There are a lot of things I have sheltered for him. Not because he felt I needed to, quite the opposite actually but I am a private person and when you are trying to, "fake it til you make it," letting your drama be known is a bit difficult especially when you are already a private person to begin with. There has been a lot that we have dealt with in our relationship. Together for 6 years. Married for 4. Two kids. Us being very young. A lot of hurt happened. A lot of things went untalked about. Unnoticed. Ignored from denial. And we were really just two kids who fell in love. We were also two kids who were like fire and gas. We ignite each other issues. He is the bipolar one, anger and frustration, lack of communication, porn problems, and is a people pleaser. I am the PTSD one, the one who gets angry and lets things build up until I explode, the one who communicates but is never clear, and the incredibly insecure one. At first when we fought all the time it was cute, a turn on, seemed like a passionate thing but with time the fighting gets exhausting and we both got exhausted until we just didnt care about ourselves anymore. We both lost sight of God, ourselves, and how to live instead of fight to survive. We blamed each other for so much that was beyond both of our control and we both failed to take responsibility when we needed to. We both felt trapped for so long until we both realized the one thing that was holding us together (our kids) wasnt even working anymore. The kids were unhappy because we were unhappy. We have started to climb out of the holes we dug ourselves in individually which created one giant hole together. We are changing, growing, and starting lives apart. Our circumstances are different than most peoples in a separation but we are doing whats best. The people most involved in our lives know and thats it. We arent involving anyone else because it really isnt anyone's business. We spent our entire relationship being lead by people who didnt have to live with the outcome. A great life lesson. 

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I am finally getting to the point in my therapy where i can honestly say I am sincerely proud of myself at how much I have learned, implemented, grown, let go of, changed, healed and just how far i have come in such a short amount of time. I will continue to push on because I am starting to like and be comfortable with who I am as a person. Growing will always be part of my journey no matter where I am in life but I am headed to the good parts. I see a light at the end of the tunnel and im surely running for it. 

Screaming Again

"Life s a beautiful melody, it's only the lyrics that are messed up."

I dont even know where to begin anymore. So much is going on and all I want to do is run as fast and as far as my will can get me from all the bullshit in life. Everyone around me is freaking out. No one is handling anything well and im barely holding together. Waiting a few weeks for a new therapist. Still sober, still self harm free and just straight bugging out. Hallucinations are at an all time high, urges suck, and I am at a constant battle to stay in this world. When I go back and forth it makes me worse because i feel like i die and come back, die and come back and each length of time differs.

Talked to my mom today about things from my childhood. Just so fucking lost, confused, scared, alone, cold, and exhausted. I just won a fight a year ago and im in a bigger battle. I thought the last one was my battle. I feel like i am completely failing at everything. Finally told my mom today that I was abused as a teenager. Almost 10 years later and I finally tell my mom. I hate that it makes it real. She thought it was someone else which leaves me questioning why I dont remember that age in my life. Is she right? Was there more? What the fuck is going on???!!!! Am I strong enough for all of this because Ive failed before and I really dont think God will save me again. I am completely doing everything I know how to in my power to get through all of this all at once. Its the most hectic thing that I have ever gone through in my life. My mental stability is crashing, my physical health, everyone around me. I cant hold anyone else up, I cant hold myself up, and yet im doing so much at once. I have no idea how any of this is happening or not happening or why God thinks that I am some how capable of doing everything. I dont know which way is up, which way is down, or where I am headed, all I know is that I constantly o back and forth from one place to another and he rocking motion is making me sick. I just want everything to stop crashing, everything to stop spinning and for the world to get quiet again but we all know what happened the last time the world was quiet for me. One silent moment in life. Just one and then everything fell again. Cant do that again. Cant have quiet. Have to learn to deal with the chaos, the noises of the battle. 

Tired of crying out to God for any amount of guidance or relief. Begging God to make it better, make me better. Make life something not even easier just not so fucked up. God Im screaming again, and I get the feeling you still cant hear me. :(

Hallways

Not okay today. Feeling alone and chaotic. The pain gets worse everyday. Hard to remember and believe that one day will be worth this much pain in one life. I fear that I am running in a long dark hallway chasing a light that just grows further and further away the more I run towards it. Legs are shaking, chest feels like it might collapse and everything in the peripheral is just blurred and passing by. You keep running even though you lost where you're running to and hope your legs don't give before you reach the light.