Everything's changing

Ohhh
Put me back together
I fell apart
You are Creator
You understand my heart

Man is prone to wander
I feel it everyday
Put me back together
Won't You find a way

The crow and the butterfly

"Just like a crow chasing the butterfly
dandelions lost in the summer sky
When you and I were getting high as outer space,
I never thought you'd slip away
I guess I was just a little too late

Your words still serenade me,
Your lullabies won't let me sleep
I've never heard such a haunting melody.
Oh, it's killing me
You know I can barely breathe."



Things have been pretty unexplainable lately. Not in a bad way just different. I successfully had surgery #1, waiting for #2 on monday. As i get closer my mind gets more hectic, more racing, more insane. I can't really sort out my thoughts at this point, not much of it makes enough sense to. I keep secretly second guessing my decision to have consented on this surgery. I will be calm and then all of a sudden it will pop in my head, "What if I am making a mistake?", "What if I am over exaggerating and I am going to ruin my life over this?" But then i think no,i cant blame myself. A doctor wouldnt have chosen this being my dr for so many years out of a whim. We've done every test, every procedure, every hormone, every pill, every birth control combination. I pass by the baby sections of stores and I have to close my eyes and walk fast. How do you just get over something you see everywhere you go? I try so hard in life to not question the decisions God makes and the paths he brings me to. I really try my hardest to not say why me, why this, why now, why, why, why. I know that somewhere down the line I will understand and that I cannot question this but its so hard not to question the reasoning behind this. I always wanted to adopt so its not like its a forceful way to get me to do so, all I can think is that I am being punished but I know I cant think that way either. Its like a battle in my brain 24/7 of thinking something then trying to think of reasons why i shouldnt think that way then trying to force myself to not think at all. In 3 days my entire life is going to change.

New song

Captivate
Take the hate
Stop drowning in your fears

Let go
Take control
Or drown in floods of tears

Take down what's takes you with it
Wasted time, no need to relive it
Keep pressing on and on

Lullabies and words that shake you
Take your place, they won't mistake you
What's the price you'll give to live today

Wake up, for real this time
Don't just live another lie
Breathe the breath you've held for far too long

It's never too late to sing a brand new song

A new beginning?

                                

Things are changing in every way lately and it's odd to say the least. It's making me nervous because with good change comes opportunity to lose it all. My "ride or die soul sister" up and walked away but I guess that's life,especially mine. But, with bad loss comes great gain sometimes. Ive gotten very close in a friendship with someone who is different from everyone I've ever known. She isn't different because of what she says or when but her actions. Our friendship is so unique and rare because I don't have to force to trust or believe her, I just do because she doesn't just talk she does and she listens, asks, cares. It's not about me just helping her, or me trying to force myself to open up. It's an insane and new feeling. 

On the opposite end, being so open means actually talking about and dealing with my emotions and life. Two surgeries coming up and emotions come in waves now. I had an awful dream about being pregnant and giving birth to a little girl, Anna bell. She disappeared at the end of my dream. 

My husband took time off of work to be here And help with my surgeries which is new and nice. My new friendship has also blossomed into a fellowship so to speak. She has interest in my life goal and I'm excited to teach her. Little by little we get closer in the outreach and I feel like I'm carrying out my purpose. Maybe this is all the new beginning I've been searching for for so long.

Bittersweet Symphony

"Well, then suddenly

There was no one left standing in the hall, yeah yeah
In a flood of tears
That no one really ever heard fall at all

Well, I went searchin' for an answer
Up the stairs and down the hall
And not to find an answer
Just to hear the call
Of a nightbird singing "Come away"

Just like the white winged dove
Sings a song, sounds like she's singing
Ooo, baby, ooo
Said "Ooo"

You know its the most tender, loving, bittersweet, aching feeling to rock and cuddle your baby whose just not a baby anymore and realize that the cuddles are going to end soon, she is soon to be two years old and that will be your last baby you get to rock, your last baby you get to smell and cuddle. Your last baby that will grip you tight when you hold them even tighter. Hard night tonight.This situation has without a doubt made me not take a single moment for granted with my kids and has really opened my eyes but as much as that is a positive in the situation that doesn't make the pain go away. I went to being strong today, positive, feeling like i understood that I don't understand the reasoning behind this now but I will one day to just emotional. I fell like I am becoming that "broken mommy" the one who will like cling to ever child they see because I am longing for something that I cannot have. I dont even know what more to say.