Hallways

Not okay today. Feeling alone and chaotic. The pain gets worse everyday. Hard to remember and believe that one day will be worth this much pain in one life. I fear that I am running in a long dark hallway chasing a light that just grows further and further away the more I run towards it. Legs are shaking, chest feels like it might collapse and everything in the peripheral is just blurred and passing by. You keep running even though you lost where you're running to and hope your legs don't give before you reach the light.

A Soul Sinking in a Sea of Trouble

"She was the sweetest ever

Whatever happened to forever

She never say never, she rather say whatever

I'd rather stay together and she'd rather chase the devil

Now I'm left to race the rebel

Bartender make it several

Turn up the bass and treble

How 'bout I make it metal

I'm such a fatal fellow

and shes the reason why."

Stress consumes me. I can't feel my soul anymore. All i feel is dark and pain or overwhelming numb, honestly beyond numb almost like I am not capable of feeling at all. That feeling of where am I, how the fuck did i get here? I dont even know this place anymore, these people, these memories. Learning every aspect of your last six years was a brighter fantasy that you created in your head when everything was just as fucked up as you felt it was but convinced yourself it was your paranoia. Found out today that my miscarriage that I have been blaming myself for over the past 6 years wasnt my fault at all. Feel like the walls of my life are shaking, the walls of who I thought I was, the walls of everything I knew, I gave up everything for this. Look where that got me. Fuck this fantasy, I dont want it anymore. Caught between wanting to really wake up and wanting to just create another dream to keep this part of me going. Its conflicting and fucking sucks.  I know exactly what I want but sitting and staring at everything I dont want is trying.

The tragedy of life is in what dies inside a man while he lives - the death of genuine feeling, the death of inspired response, the awareness that makes it possible to feel the pain or the glory of other men in yourself.

Norman Cousins

All of my emotions are taking over lately. Pain is crimpling. Tomorrow will be a long day.

Dizzy Spells

“Broken glass. It's just like glitter, isn't it?”
― Pete Doherty

So much is going on lately. I feel like I am stuck between hell, heaven, and middle school. How much does it cost to buy an island??!! 

Sink, Swim, Fly, or Fall

"This is it. It’s fight or flight. When there’s nothing left for you to do to fix that one thing bringing you down. You've gotta learn. You've gotta decide. When there’s nothing left to say, at first you can run. Run as far away, trying your hardest to escape it all, let it go and live on. But you know...you will never escape. It’ll all come undone again in time. You can hide it as much as you want, it’ll still come back. So then, you've got to fight. You've got to learn that what you’re feeling is wrong, and you've got to live with the consequences. It’s the only way, the only way to learn. You've got to fight for love because in the end, if you run away, you will only regret the decision for the rest of your life. So fight."-Unknown

Has your mind ever been so loud that its silent? Yup I'm there.

How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I'd see you
This darkness would turn to light

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I'm so used to living underneath the surface

Trapped under this pressure and all I can feel is the tide rising. You're in the shallows and then tide comes before you can run the other direction. I don't know where to go from here. All I can do is panic and panic makes me feel like I am going insane. Is this all in my head? Is this some fucked up delusional paranoia? Nothing feels real anymore, nothing. I don't know if I'm sinking, swimming, drowning, or just trying to hold my breath. I am trying to lean on God for comfort and a feeling of safety but all I want to do is numb this all away but I can't and wont go that route. I don't do being scared well. Just have to make it through to a new day....I hope.

So much running through my head. Everything is spinning round and round and I can't tell if I am present or completely separated from everything going on right now. Those moments where your head is so unclear, the room spins, your body aches, nothing feels real, and you feel like maybe you arent really handling things as well as you thought you were. When you stop being in a mode and finally realize you are just not okay in this moment. Not that it will stay but that it feels like it hit you out of no where and all your days feel like they have just ran together. Sometimes its hard to stay sober, clean, and no self harming, etc to numb what already feels numb or maybe to feel what isnt present when your mind escapes you but I know none of that helps. Makes it hard when you still battle things like eating disorders and things that are on the same wave length. Tired of all the stupid masks and disassociation that doesnt even happen on purpose. On-ward to a new day, a new opportunity. 

Never Ending Journey

Happiness is not a reward – it is a consequence. Suffering is not a punishment – it is a result"~Robert Ingersoll 

Trying to keep in an overall positive mind frame about everything in life and what has happened in the past in general. Trying to make amends with everything that has gone wrong to see the bigger picture. I have been pondering, reflecting, and sorting things out mentally on a different level to try to see things from a different viewpoint than I normally do. Just trying to better myself, well continue to better myself as much as possible. Truly a never ending journey. 

Brainwashing

Lately I haven't blogged much. Been spending a lot of time just enjoying the moment of things and trying no to be so wrapped up in things that I didn't have much control over at the time. I know I am not don't grieving but I also cant just sit here and dwell on it like it was something that I could have just changed or done differently I am trying to use radical acceptance to just know that this wasn't my fault. I need to stop blaming myself for everything that happens in my life. Not everything that happens or goes wrong in my life is a product of things that I have done wrong and I have to start believing that. I was brain washed to believe everything I did was wrong and now I have to undo all of that a step at a time.

Spinning in Circles

“No wonder I'm dizzy, the world keeps spinning in circles”.

Lately has been like spinning in circles so fast you get sick and dizzy. I feel like that 24/7 now. I go from happy to giggly to sad to wanting to break down in tears. I feel like I cant even keep in one direction. I feel so confused about whether I am getting better or worse, healing or breaking down.My head always feels so clouded and hurts like I can't even mentally function.

Burning pages

“Letting go doesn't mean that you don't care about someone anymore. It's just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.”
― Deborah Reber

I am so tired of having such long days and nights. Having argument after argument about things that don't matter with people who truly just don't care about the outcomes. It is so exhausting being the only considerate person sometimes especially when I am the one who always has to bare the consequences of what other people say and do. I am so tired of feeling run down, exhausted, stressed out, and ignored in the one time where I truly need none of the above. Wish I could just say fuck it all and run far, far away from all of these responsibilities that people leave me to deal with. I am trying my best to let go, grow as a person, and keep myself above water while grieving all of these different things and the shit that keeps happening doesn't help. >.<

Where am I?

"If you die when there's no one watching and 

your ratings drop and you're forgotten
if they kill you on their TV
you're a martyr and a lamb of god
nothing's going to change
nothing's going to change the world"

I hate feeling like an undesirable of the world. I feel like I am falling through the air, painfully slow, grabbing for anything as I drop lower and lower. Watching everything pass me by, feeling stings of the wind and nothing else. Nothing feels real today. I feel like everything has changed. I opened my eyes and the whole world is just distorted images of things I don't remember. Is this really my life? When did this all change? What the fuck happened?

Grief, the revealing

“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.”
― John Green

I think a lot of people probably wont understand the grieving process that I am going through and the loss that I feel I am going through but I think at this point it's not really for anyone else to understand and I am getting more comfortable in just doing what I feel is right to heal at the moment rather than spending all of my time focusing on whether or not I am doing it in the "right" way to everyone else's standards. Everyone grieves differently and this just happens to be the way I feel comfortable dealing with it. 

I bought my tub today. I decided to do a tub and not a box because I wanted it to be something more substantial than cardboard. I found the one that I wanted and decorated the lid how I wanted it. It's not done or perfect yet but I know that will come with time. I bought some things that I wanted to go in it, some things that are just baby stuff that I really liked that I spent a lot of time picking out and other things had meaning of things that I never got to do that I will never get to do now. I also decided that I am going to be gender specific in my grieving process and the things I got were for a girl. It just felt right and that's what I am going with, with how I feel and what feels right to express all of this and then secure it in a safe place (the box). I also decided today that during main holidays like Christmas I am going to find a special ornament or item to put in the box, then on the anniversary of my surgery and things like that, after I am done getting the main things together or just when I need to put something into the box. My husband and I also decided today that we will think of a name for the baby that we would have had, a girl, and put that in the box too. I told him that I am not ready for that yet. It seems so final and I just don't think that I am there yet. I think that will be one of the last things that I put in there. It's been really hard actually dealing with how I am feeling and not just ignoring it. It hurts and a lot of the time I just want to run away from it all and not deal with it but I know I can't just do that forever.

Perception

“Many realities are hidden behind walls of perception.”
― Toba Beta



So yesterday I think it was, I was talking about me needing more ideas to deal with everything that is going on. I finally figured out what I want to do with the whole surgery, infertile thing. I am going to do a box of memories but things that I would have wanted to do but never had the opportunity to. My mind is really chaotic and doesn't make a ton of sense right now so I don't have a ton to say tonight. I've been in pain today and very mentally exhausted. Had to be around someone who was drunk last night and it really sent me into a panic which really exhausted me today. My husband and I have been bickering a lot lately because he's been stressed out, I just keep telling him that I don't want to argue. I am a little in shock that it is already Sunday night and he goes back to work Tuesday morning.

Fear

“There are many who don't wish to sleep for fear of nightmares. Sadly, there are many who don't wish to wake for the same fear.”
― Richelle E. Goodrich

So, I went back a little bit since I only blogged because I was upset earlier and not really summing up last night and my whole day today. I must say it's quite a bitch when you don't know what sucks worse; your dreams while you're asleep or your reality when you're awake. I can't escape any of this at all between the two. Woke up frantically shaking this morning from having a dream last night that I mysteriously found out I was pregnant despite my surgery. Which I will clarify that if it ever even happens the baby will die or need to be aborted. Since I no longer have fallopian tubes the baby would be an ectopic pregnancy. These baby dreams are getting old. 

On a different note my mom called me today. I cried really hard because at what seemed to be the end of our conversation she decided to say that she knows even though I didn't say it that I am suffering. It was a very hard conversation to have. She also made me promise her that I would be okay which it's obvious that I am not okay right now, but I think she means not plummeting again. It was a hard conversation to have because normally we avoid talking about things like that. My mother and I are so much alike that we do things in such similar ways and have such similar health issues that I know she knows what I am going through and we handle things in such similar fashions. I was upset though because she stopped taking her medication so she could drink since she hasnt in almost a week. That was really upsetting to me. I told her that she's not allowed to die on me. 

Emotionally, I have been on a rollercoaster lately but because of my best friend who is really making sure that I actually handle what I am going through instead of just suppressing it like I always do, it's been so new and different of feelings. I am not sure how to even describe them. I've been trying to do a mood tracker and a gratitude journal everyday along with a worry box. I decided for my friend's death anniversary which is something that I normally also suppress; grieving, that this year I am going to write her a letter for her two year anniversary and tie it to a balloon to release. I'm still thinking of other ways to handle the other situations but one step at a time, one day at a time.

Silent Screaming

I feel like I don't even know what to say anymore. I am so tired of being shut down when I try to express myself to people who should at least try and hear what I am saying to them. When you sit in a room and all you feel like doing is screaming and crying because you have to force yourself to sit in silence even though you're screaming on the inside is the worst most God awful feeling in the world. It makes me feel like an outcast or like I am not important enough to be heard in the first place. I am not sure why I even try to express myself verbally anymore. I just feel crushed.

One day at a time?

"And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.”

― Friedrich Nietzsche



It's mind blowing that one situation can change your entire life. I feel like all that I am doing lately is going through the motions. I'm not happy and I'm not sad. Sometimes I feel like screaming and crying and just breaking down and other times I feel like maybe I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I see babies and sometimes I want to just squeeze them and cry and other times I want to run as far away as possible from everyone and everything. I feel defective, like they took something away that makes me disfigured. It makes me feel repulsive and disgusting, like there is something wrong with me and everyone should run away. Like they will catch some disease. Sometimes I am optimistic and other times I feel so stressed out like I am going to blow. Like a ticking time bomb. I guess just one day at a time.

What kind of fantasy is this?

''Everything you're running from is in your head.''

I keep waking up in a panic. Fight or flight is hitting me hard but all I want to do is run away. I want to run, run far until I can't see any of this anymore. I feel like everything is happening in slow motion. This pain feels like it's never going to end and the more I talk to people in similar situations the more scared I get that this will always just be another deep scar that I carry around with me. I fear that this pain is never going to go away. 

Why me? Why did this have to happen to me? Why did the one thing that ever meant something to me, something so small that so many people take for granted, something that I always just wanted to be able to utilize get taken away from me? Everything that makes me who I am, what I love, what I enjoy gets taken away from me little by little until I feel like there isn't anything left anymore. Who the hell am I? What does this mean now? When is this sharp, can't breath feeling going to go away? I know I am a strong person and I have been through a lot but when does life say, "Maybe she's had enough." 

Nightmare

"Hush little baby don't say a word 

And never mind that noise you heard 
It's just the beast under your bed 
In your closet in your head."

Today was amazing but terrible at the same time. We had my friend's ultrasound today. It was so amazing and so adorable because the baby moved all around for us. Found out she is nine weeks and due in may. We have another ultasound in 4 weeks. That part of my day was awesome and exciting.. I feel so blessed to be a part of all of that with them and so thankful for them to allow me to be such a big part of their experience. 

Except then I took a nap and had a weird dream, the pain started getting worse and then little by little my emotions started getting worse. I think it's finally starting to hit me because I sat there trying to draw my best friend a picture for her wall and I had my bucket of craft stuff open. I went to grab a new colored marker and I saw the exacto knife sitting there. It's like time stopped and I saw myself grab it and cut open my incision but bigger. It was so awful and so terrible. I'm not sure why it even came to me but I couldn't get it out of my head. I shut the bucket and ran to the shower. Maybe it's because I feel like it's not real and seeing missing pieces makes it more real. I really don't know on that one, but it scared me. I see the incision, I feel the pain, I look at the incision on my arm of my missing birth control and it's the only reminder that this isnt all some crazy ass, fucked up nightmare. I keep thinking that maybe I will wake up and all of this will go away. I feel like I am living in a nightmare. An ugly, nasty, awful, terrible nightmare. It is bringing me to my miscarriage which I also never dealt with and the combination is overwhelming. 

What's real anymore?

   

                                 

"Scars have the strange power to remind us that our past is real.”
― Cormac McCarthy

Things have been so chaotic lately. It's hard to even wrap my head around everything. I feel like nothing is real, like nothing that has happened has actually happened. Like I am sitting in some fucked up, crazy dream that I can't wake up from. I know it's real, I now have two scars and pain to prove it but mentally I just can't accept it. I look down at this scar on my stomach, I touch it, and I get scared. There is no turning back from this and it's so hard having people not understand how this effects me. It's not like I had my youngest and said okay this is it, we don't want anymore, we sure of this, we'll do this. No, we wanted more, we were waiting for perfect timing, and then we were faced with this and its not like getting your tubes tied, they removed my fallopian tubes completely. I just, I'm so confused right now. 

My husband has been helpful in the way of the kids but his attitude sucks and its really making things mentally for me a lot harder. I feel like we should be in this together, since we made this decision together and its me, handling it without him like I do everything else. I know its hard for him too but it actually happened to me. Whatever he is feeling, I am feeling to a higher extent because I was the one cut open and defeminized not him. He has been so moody and not understanding at all, he wants to fight and right now that's the last thing on the earth I truly wish to be doing is fighting with him. I already feel worthless being here, wanting a baby, but not being able to have one and then we fight and it makes me feel like I am less of a person. Like a terrible, broken, I dont even know. Just makes me feel like everyone who should be support for me isnt. 

Then you have my mom, who has kidney stones and is on bed rest, completely drugged up, sick, and has been getting sicker over the last few months because she drinks all the time. Bad timing to find that out. I dont even know what to say anymore. I feel like I dont know anyone around me. My friends, my family, everyone whose ever made all these promises to me has never been able to keep them. It hurts. I feel like maybe I was never the stranger, maybe I just look around and dont know any of these people anymore. 

On a side not, I have the deepest appreciation for my two best friends right now. Especially my person. I couldnt have survived these two surgeries without her. To feel like someones walking the path with you makes it seem less scary, less lonely, just less shitty. It's nice to know someone truly cares about how I am doing. My other friend is pregnant. She has been above and beyond to involved me whole heartedly since she found out when i found out about her surgery and her husband has gone so above and beyond as well. Her first ultrasound is tomorrow. Im excited. They also told me today that when the gender apt comes along I am the only one who is allowed to know until we do a gender reveal party. It's very exciting feeling like im getting to do some of the things I missed out on doing, and being so involved with her kids as well as her with mine and me with the baby. My friends are just amazing and I feel so blessed to have these friendships while I am going through this disaster. 

In about a week or so I find out the results to my biopsies that were taken from my first surgery last week. I am nervous, we know i have pre cancerous cells but the biopsy will tell us my diagnosis. I am scared that I wont have one at all and that I will just be pushed back into this awful nasty cycle just like how my uterine problems started and obviously we all know how that ended up. Well I guess that's all for today. Just feels so unreal, everything, the good and bad. One day at a time i guess, it's all anyone can do.