My mind has been racing a lot more often lately. Seems like I just can't shake it. My anxiety is pretty high. I had almost completely stopped pulling for about a month and then boom here I am again at square one. We are in fire season now so of course we have to deal with the uncertainty of never knowing when or if my husband will be home or come home for that matter. I am okay with that. It comes with the job, though the first call was emotional for me.
Recently we hit reality that if we do not have another baby in the next few years that we may never have another one because of my health problems especially revolving around my uterus. It is a hard decision to try and face. Am I a good enough mom for three kids? Are we ready for another kid? Do we even need another child? Do I want one because of my mistakes in the past that I made with my kids and the times that I wasn't whole heartedly there because I was ill minded? Would I face a mental decline if I were to have another baby? Could I handle the stress of basically single parenting three kids since my husband is not home so often? Would I have enough support? Just lots of things to consider. I went about all the steps, thought it out, prayed, hesitated, questioned myself, talk to my mom, close friends, my husband, my doctor. I came to a conclusion that it was not a good time. As much as my heart yurns for that expirience again, the full experience that I was not able to get the first two times I am faced with the fact that I may not ever get it and that's hard. It definitely brings out all of my insecurities and I question myself every second as it is.
I have hit this spot where though I do appreciate every second with my children I feel like I need to surround myself with appreciation every moment that I have them because I don't want to seem ungrateful. I do have two beautiful kids. One boy, one girl. I have everything and more I could have asked for when it came to having kids. I feel like saying that I long for another one makes me seem like I feel incomplete with my own children. I do not feel incomplete, I feel saddened that I cannot have a do over in some of the areas that I have faced in becoming who I am and being a parent, becoming a better parent and continuing this journey of growth as every parent stives to do daily.
I know that I wake up everyday with an understanding that today is a new day and I will try my damnedest to do and give my all to these kids that I love with all of my heart. I know I am not perfect but is that enough? Is that drive enough to be enough for a whole new life on top of these beautiful kids that I am already blessed with? And that is a question that I just don't have an answer to.
I know that I am a better mom then I was but not as good as I used to be.
