My bpd has been a little insane lately. Jumping from being angry and frustrated, to impatient, to sad and lonely, to overwhelmed. My life is always so hectic so many that plays a role in all of it as well. I would recap everything but I do not think my brain is functioning enough for that at the moment. Had to get a new computer because my daughter broke mine. Spent all day cleaning, re-cleaning, and cleaning again because my kids have been on a role and today my daughter bit my son so hard that hours later he still has an impression of her teeth. I keep forgetting to turn in the papers for my son's apt at the children's hospital this winter. It was the same set of questions asked over and over again. I hope in one way or another this will help him and me and our whole family. My daughter is really starting to mimic the behaviors so I feel like I am always scrambling to either keep them not breaking something, keep them not screaming, or keep them not talking back. It is a hard road sometimes. I feel like shit because so often I get impatient and feel like they (well at least my son) should be old enough to just mind but it is so confusing because we do not know if he has a defiance disorder or something beyond that. I do not know whether to adjust my expectations because maybe he should know better but really cannot understand some concepts of these things or if he just does it out of defiance.
I have been really good at booting or ignoring the negativity out of my life. I need more positive encouragement that is for sure. I need to learn more patience as we go into fire season, since my husband will not be home more than a day or two a month for 4 or 5 months. As it is he is already working 50+ hours a week. I just need to keep telling myself that I can do this. I am a good mom and I am trying. I will learn more patience I just need to keep reminding myself that they are just kids. I always feel so bad when I get impatient with them. I just feel like a broken record all the time because no one ever listens to me the first few times, adults or kids. LOL.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Trich update
So proud of myself in resisting pulling. I am not pull free but down to one or two hairs a day.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Live.
I downloaded the bible and some divotionals on my phone. I ditched the rest of my music for now and I'm only listening to worship. I made a page on facebook of the encouraging words of God. I'm gonna kick this in the ass. I am strong. I am beautiful. I AM WORTHY! Tears fall to say that but I am. I am going to make myself feel wonderful again. I cut my hair. Stopped pulling (5 hairs in 3 days!) I dyed my hair. I'm wearing nakeup. I will love myself again. I will live. I will feel all these blessings that surround me. I am giving it up to God and embracing what he has given me!
Recapping
Got into an interesting conversation today which brought back a lot of sour memories of my childhood which in turn brought up bad feelings about my current situation with my family. I just don't understand how you can just stop caring about your kid or fake care about them. My family rarely asks how my kids are or makes effort to be a part of their lives. I am just so fed up with people who should care but don't or people who only care when they want something or it is convenient for them
Friday, April 19, 2013
Tired
I am tired of fighting. I fight with myself. I fight with my husband. My kids fight with me. I'm just tired of fighting. I'm tired of being lonely. I'm tired of being tired.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
506 days
I read back on some of my posts during my hardest time; before, during, and after my overdose. There was one post in particular I could not even bring myself to read. Looking back on how close I became with God throughout my journey hits me hard. I am back in a similar emotional and hard to comprehend mind frame, though I am not suicidal. I feel that there is this slap in the face of realizing that if I truly look back on every horrible feeling period in my life, those particular periods of time were also when I turned away from God the most. I have hit this wall will I do NOT accept anyone to treat me like shit any longer. I have been walked on my entire life and I whole heartedly refuse to do it any longer. I will not be slapped in the face and than continue on like nothing ever happened. It did happen, it did hurt, and I will not ignore my true feelings any longer. I may not be perfect, I am not always be worthy, and some of my emotions may be temporary and sometimes maybe even irrational, but everyone on the planet has a right to remove as much negativity from their life as they need in order to feel safe, loved, and able to cope.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Frustrations
I am so frustrated today. My math teacher is trying to screw a bunch of us over. That bpd group was beyond fucking rude and my husband is being so annoying. I'm ready to explode. I am so tired of being ignored by everyone and not being treated well. Uggggh.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
A new safe place
I decided it was best to create a new blog. I figured out that a lot of my lack of posting was due to feeling like I was not able to fully express myself and get out what I need to. I need a safe place where I can say what I need and my husband agreed. I am so overwhelmed lately with school, the kids, and trying to keep my head on straight. I almost burnt our house down two days in a row from forgetting to turn the burner off while a pan was still on it.
Yesterday I had to call poison control for my daughter because she decided to eat half of a tube of children's toothpaste. I felt like the most god awful mom. My son is in the process of being fully formally diagnosed with tourettes among other things. His primary doctor has decided that he is needing to go to the children's hospital this winter so that he can be diagnosed with all the other things going on with him. He is being so self aggressive and just blatantly disrespectful and acting out, though the last two days have been better. I have tried everything with him and nothing is working. We have tried only 2 hours of tv time a day which we are sticking with, an all organic, low sugar, low calorie healthy diet, exercise, spanking (which i hated and we arent doing at all anymore), getting down to his level and being very calm.
They added a possible 4-6 hours more homework to my hardest class. I am just purely overwhelmed. The kids aren't sleeping well so obviously I am not and even when they do im still up around 4am-5am even with sleeping pills. I am fighting my doctors decision to not help remedicate me. My insurance company is going to try and force her to do her job basically.
My pulling slowly decreased and got a ton better and then last night i pulled out my hair for hours. I am so irritable and cranky and just kinda done with people. My borderline personality disorder is defiantly kicking back in full swing because I just feel plain lonely and like I cant do anything right. I feel like if I confront people about what is bothering me that there will be a blow out and I just dont have time or energy for that. I helped create this group on facebook for people struggling in life, it has really given me a chance to use some of my schooling and have some more support. I also joined a bpd group so we will see if that helps a little having people who understand what it is like.
For those of you who do not know what bps is:
Borderline personality disorder is a condition in which people have
long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions, such as feelings
about themselves and others. Persons with BPD are often uncertain about their identity. As a
result, their interests and values can change rapidly. They also tend
to view things in terms of extremes, such as either all good or all bad.
Their views of other people can change quickly. A person who is looked
up to one day may be looked down on the next day. These suddenly
shifting feelings often lead to intense and unstable relationships.
Other symptoms of BPD include:- Intense fear of being abandoned
- Cannot tolerate being alone
- Frequent feelings of emptiness and boredom
- Frequent displays of inappropriate anger
- Impulsiveness, such as with substance abuse or sexual relationships
- Repeated crises and acts of self-injury, such as wrist cutting or overdosing
Vent
I have so much going on in my brain that it feels like my
brain is spilling over. I try and talk things out verbally in hopes that
I will brainstorm and a solution will appear but as each issue appears
it piles up and becomes just one more thing. My secret used to be to
tell myself that I am strong, I can do this, you've been through worse
but that's not working. I don't feel like giving up I just feel useless.
Idk I don't even think its that so much as helpless. I'm trying to work
with one situation at a time but some don't have easy solutions or permanent ones. I'm just so confused and I need more people who I
regularly talk to. Not having many friends typically doesn't bug me but
sometimes it's hard not to want a consistent and unbiased support
system. My family really doesn't even know half of it because they
aren't unbias and they are so busy and consumed in their own worlds and
minds. I will get through this. I am strong. I am independent. I am
hopeful. I am true. I am brave. I am strong willed. I will get through
this.
Speechless
Had a pretty good day minus me and the kids being sick and
then I got new that someone I know tried to take her life. She was just a
kid. Everytime I look at my kids I cry. So much is running through my
head. There are no words right now. I am so utterly heart broken. I am
glad she is still alive but she is not well. Fuck.
Sick to my stomach
People have me truly speechless and baffled lately. I can't even explain
it. It is so sickening how fake people are. Everyone pretends to be
your best friend. Truly no one cares. You can only truly depend on you.
If you do not care about yourself there is no one that will. No one will
ever be there for you without fail, every time.
Another random update
I am at another point in my life where I am extremely
confused at which direction to take. Trying to do a lot of soul
searching but with all the chaos that is damn near impossible. I know I
still have a little bit of time to figure it out but I'm not last
minute. I have to have things planned and know what I am doing. Where I
am doing from there and what I need to do to get there. There are so
many life changing factors involved that it makes the decisions even
harder to make because I do not want to choose the wrong path and have
so much time wasted for nothing.
I successfully passed my math class with a c even though I
had surgery and have been miserable. So I am very proud of myself for
that. I am considering removing my anonymity from the blog. Just not
sure what all I want to expose and to who.
I went back to the doctors for my post opp today she
recapped my surgery and said that she was extremely surprised at how bad
it was she actually got in there. So far I do not have cancer or any
abnormal cells but I have to go back in three months and fill out this
chart every day and then we will recheck and go from there. She is
anticipating more hormone therapy.
I had a panic attack the night before easter. I thought it
was from the loud noises but I'm pretty sure it was just because of the
holidays which are always rough for me.
I have been extremely sick from being sleep deprived. It
has gotten really bad. My husband even had to stay home yesterday
because it got so bad. Sleeping pills aren't working and the kids being
sick again is not helping. I hope it will get better soon.
Blood doesn't make family
Trying to post more but sometimes it's just hard to find
the words. I am trying to remove all the negativity out of my life
because I am just tired of only hearing negative things. I am trying to
make new friends because apparently I can't count on most of mine. I am
just kind of done with all of that. People have to realize that what
they say affects other people. Its been an amazing month but also a
shitty one. Apparently none of my family give a shit anymore except for
my auntie and grandma. My family has gone back into the rumor mill and
choosing to either be an asshole or ignore me and I just don't have time
for that. Just sucks that my whole entire family moves on at once.
It's hard not to feel abandoned by my blood family. How do you just move
on from a child you gave birth to? Or move on from your only daughter
(in my dads case)? Just kind of over it. If I would have known being an
adult meant that your family was too busy with their own lives to care
about yours I dont think I would have made it to adulthood. Oh well at
least I know that's something I would never do to my own kids. I dont
know its just pretty sad when you talk to someone and the words I
haven't even gotten drunk emotional phone calls come out of your mouth
whole heartedly. I guess some people just don't care and if they don't
care then why should I? The only people that I considered true family
here just moved away. That was hard at first but I am used to being on
my own. That's kind of always been how my life has panned out. So i am
not very sad. Just hoping they find what they are looking for out of
life. I just pray that my kids get love from their outside family. Thats
what family is supposed to be about and yet most of mine either haven't
even seen my kids or have selectively. I'm just over the word family.
Family my ass. Family isn't about blood, its about who loves you enough
to stay involved.
Just a few updates
We are loving being in our old routine again. Things at home couldn't be
more perfect. My daughter is absolutely loving being home and will
hardly go to anyone else anymore. She is very mommy attached. She had no
problems getting the hang of our schedule or detaching from all the
people she was used to being around. She had a busy world full of
people so I'm glad she's not feeling like she's missing anything. It's
made my world so much brighter being able to have my family whole again.
There has been some drama in life but I no longer care. I will not feed
into any negativity. I have no problems being a mom and my daughter
and I do not have any attachment issues. My husband went back to work a
month earlier than expected. I just had my surgery thursday. We not only
removed the polyps but we found a mass almost the size of a baseball
which ended up be ing left over placenta. 18 months of it being there.
No wonder why I have been so sick for so long with no answers. My son
has adjusted amazing! He's been in underwear with no accidents during
the day for almost 2 weeks! Both of the kids play amazing together,
rarely ever get annoyed, and love to cuddle with each other and give
loves. Honestly things couldn't have gone any better. Pretty picture
perfect as far as inside home life goes. Husband is learning to parent
better and help more especially because of my surgery. It's a work in
progress that will hopefully continue to get better. I am very thankful
for my best friend who has been none stop checking on me, taking me to
all of our apts, picking up medications, coming over to make sure I am
ok. Just truly being here especially with my surgery. Lots of people
have faded in and out of my life or just been really inconsistent in my
life so I appreciate someone who is there in all areas of my life and
all the time, not just when it's convenient. I am very proud of myself,
how far I have come, and how much I have conquered since November of
2011.
One day at a time.
Thought that I would do an update since so much is going on. We finally go a house and are getting our family back together!!! I also have to have surgery and I am pretty scared. Lots of things going on. It is quite overwhelming but we are taking everything one day at a time.
Tired
Beyond tired. Tired of fake people, tired of fake friends, tired of negativity, tired of being stressed, tired of being sick, tired of being tired; tired, tired, tired. Just over it.
inhale, exhale
Haven't really been writing again. It is getting harder and harder to express myself through writing and easier to express myself through pictures etc. so i have been spending a lot of time on tumblr. I am having a lot of medical problems with my uterus and it's been extremely painful which is making my PTSD flair up which I haven't had a problem with in MONTHS. I think it's getting harder for me to write because I am trying to keep my mind off the negative and express myself in other ways but I am trying to keep those of you who actually fallow along updated. Just a lot of drama, pain, emotions, and stuff going on. Everyone and their mom is pregnant (literally) I can think of 8 people off the top of my head who I know that are pregnant right now and that's just without thinking about it, people are lying about being pregnant and miscarrying, people fighting and robbing shit, people going to jail and dying, my father in law might have cancer and my newish health issues. Just a lot going on in the last two weeks. *inhale* *exhale* Ok I am done, back to tumblr I go. I will write more as I can.
Another day
The last little while has been kind of rough. My insomnia is through the roof and on top of that my son has not been sleeping well so the combination is leaving me with like 4 hours max of sleep a night. It is making me sick, loopy, and extremely tired. This week is the last week of this set of classes and then I begin some hard ones. I am kind of nervous because I was told that just one of my classes in the set is the equivalent of two classes and a huge percent of people fail the class. I will just have to work my butt off extra hard and pray that I pass the class. Then after this set I have part II of that class right after. FML. If I fail a class I have to pay for it out of pocket so that's not an option. Right now it is taking me forever to write this blog because my eyes are burning and watering so bad.
My hair pulling/eating has not gotten any better. Especially because I have a lot of regrowth and that's even more of a weakness to me because they are more of a challenge to pull. We got a really good compliment from the one room mate who like never says anything really the other day. Made us feel pretty good especially since we have been busting our asses cleaning and buying anything we can for the house and my hubby has been doing tons and tons of job stuff and communicating with them a lot more and spending more time with them. Still planning on being able to move once we get taxes and he has two paychecks so that we have income to show. We have only gotten two out of the 4 w2's that we need to file so we are still waiting to even know what we are going to be getting back. My hope is that we will have enough money to move and pay off our car so that we will have a decent amount of money to search for a house because our budget right now is slim pickings. I am pretty sure we will get a good amount back because we have always claimed zero and since hubby was on unemployment for 6 months it evens out all the overtime he had working this summer and with the two kids I am crossing my fingers. Hopefully the tax percent increase doesn't hurt us too bad. We will see. Just trying to keep my fingers crossed.
I guess I am just worried about ending back up in the same situation again. I know it's not likely but still it's a fear after all that has happened this last year and a half.
My hair pulling/eating has not gotten any better. Especially because I have a lot of regrowth and that's even more of a weakness to me because they are more of a challenge to pull. We got a really good compliment from the one room mate who like never says anything really the other day. Made us feel pretty good especially since we have been busting our asses cleaning and buying anything we can for the house and my hubby has been doing tons and tons of job stuff and communicating with them a lot more and spending more time with them. Still planning on being able to move once we get taxes and he has two paychecks so that we have income to show. We have only gotten two out of the 4 w2's that we need to file so we are still waiting to even know what we are going to be getting back. My hope is that we will have enough money to move and pay off our car so that we will have a decent amount of money to search for a house because our budget right now is slim pickings. I am pretty sure we will get a good amount back because we have always claimed zero and since hubby was on unemployment for 6 months it evens out all the overtime he had working this summer and with the two kids I am crossing my fingers. Hopefully the tax percent increase doesn't hurt us too bad. We will see. Just trying to keep my fingers crossed.
I guess I am just worried about ending back up in the same situation again. I know it's not likely but still it's a fear after all that has happened this last year and a half.
Random ramblings
I have a hard time writing a lot for fear of sounding like I am complaining too much or getting too repetitive. It's also hard weeding out certain details so that I can remain anonymous. I edited a few of my blog entries tonight out of fear that people will connect the dots. I think the way it is now I could still get away with denying it LOL. The only thing that really connects me is my suicide attempt date but I am sure I was not the only person to try and commit suicide that day and truly not a lot of people remember the exact date anyways.
We have had some childish stuff happen in our house lately. Our room mates do not respect or understand why after we move out I am going to preserve the relationship my daughter has to her grandmother. I certainly do not care who understands or respects it either. She has helped raise her since she was two months old there is no way I am just going to take her cold turkey and never let them have the bond that they have always had. They take that and assume that it means we are not fighting to get our family back together which couldn't be further from the truth.
We literally have to check in with them about all the job searches my husband does, almost like a parole officer. Like I always say and don't get me wrong I am appreciative just to be able to have a roof over mine, my husband, and my son's head but always being told we aren't trying hard enough gets irritating. We try and do everything possible to keep as much peace as possible; cleaning after them and ourselves, keeping our son as quiet as possible, keeping him in the bedroom as much as possible, offering to buy anything for the house, etc. We are even going to be paying them more rent now.
Things aren't perfect because our son is a toddler and makes a mess which is very hard to trail behind him every second and if we miss something there is always a blow out about how we disrespect their home. It makes me feel like a serious inconvenience. And I don't really want to say "room mates" because it is not all of them just one of them. The rest of them try and keep the peace like we do but in different ways. One of them in particular has really gone above and beyond for us and I appreciate that so much because even the small things help. She tries to keep things calm and gives advice and suggestions on how to make things better.
I want to complain about the stuff that bothers me because I know it is healthy to get it out but at the same time it makes me cringe to do because I don't want to seem ungrateful when I am the furthest thing from it. All in all it's not the situations that irritate me at all it's my people pleasing. When something goes wrong I get too hard on myself because I am not doing things perfectly. It is hard living with anyone period and things have to be adjusted to fit the situation. No one and nothing is perfect. It is all trial and error especially when there are 6 different people with 6 different opinions in one house.
I am almost half way done with my associates degree. In this set of classes I have really busted my butt and I have an A in both classes with only 2 weeks left. I am pretty proud of myself especially because these classes have had a much bigger work load because I am getting into the courses that actually have to do with my major.
My husband has been doing more to pitch in since the last room mate blow out the other day, I think he is starting to really realize that it is physically and mentally impossible for one person to do everything. My hair pulling is still very much out of control but I am just trying to stay as positive as possible.
We have had some childish stuff happen in our house lately. Our room mates do not respect or understand why after we move out I am going to preserve the relationship my daughter has to her grandmother. I certainly do not care who understands or respects it either. She has helped raise her since she was two months old there is no way I am just going to take her cold turkey and never let them have the bond that they have always had. They take that and assume that it means we are not fighting to get our family back together which couldn't be further from the truth.
We literally have to check in with them about all the job searches my husband does, almost like a parole officer. Like I always say and don't get me wrong I am appreciative just to be able to have a roof over mine, my husband, and my son's head but always being told we aren't trying hard enough gets irritating. We try and do everything possible to keep as much peace as possible; cleaning after them and ourselves, keeping our son as quiet as possible, keeping him in the bedroom as much as possible, offering to buy anything for the house, etc. We are even going to be paying them more rent now.
Things aren't perfect because our son is a toddler and makes a mess which is very hard to trail behind him every second and if we miss something there is always a blow out about how we disrespect their home. It makes me feel like a serious inconvenience. And I don't really want to say "room mates" because it is not all of them just one of them. The rest of them try and keep the peace like we do but in different ways. One of them in particular has really gone above and beyond for us and I appreciate that so much because even the small things help. She tries to keep things calm and gives advice and suggestions on how to make things better.
I want to complain about the stuff that bothers me because I know it is healthy to get it out but at the same time it makes me cringe to do because I don't want to seem ungrateful when I am the furthest thing from it. All in all it's not the situations that irritate me at all it's my people pleasing. When something goes wrong I get too hard on myself because I am not doing things perfectly. It is hard living with anyone period and things have to be adjusted to fit the situation. No one and nothing is perfect. It is all trial and error especially when there are 6 different people with 6 different opinions in one house.
I am almost half way done with my associates degree. In this set of classes I have really busted my butt and I have an A in both classes with only 2 weeks left. I am pretty proud of myself especially because these classes have had a much bigger work load because I am getting into the courses that actually have to do with my major.
My husband has been doing more to pitch in since the last room mate blow out the other day, I think he is starting to really realize that it is physically and mentally impossible for one person to do everything. My hair pulling is still very much out of control but I am just trying to stay as positive as possible.
Trichophagia
So over the last little while, my Trichophagia has gotten a lot worse. As if having Trichotillomania is not bad enough. All of this is so embarrassing and it truly makes me hate myself. I am getting really bad stomach pains lately and I am sure it is from the Trichophagia. Not a lot of people know that I have Trichophagia that goes along with my Trichotillomania but I figured I have put everything else out there so I mine as well be 100% honest. Up until today I didn't even know there was a name for the other part to my Trichotillomania. I am having a lot of regrowth lately and it is so embarrassing. It's like a haunting reminder at how messed up my coping skills are.
I had a crying spree today because I was so tired and had only gotten a few hours of sleep and I really needed my husband to watch my son for just like an hour while I laid down and like every 5 minutes I had to tell him to either watch what my son was doing or tell my son to stop doing something or to be a little quieter. I just don't get why he has such a problem helping me. He is home he should be doing something, anything. I do everything cook, clean, bath time, bedtime, waking up while he sleeps in, play time, laundry, and picking up after him, all the finances, and reminding him of everything he has to do. Like I told him I truly don't mind doing it at all but when I ask for help because I am getting so frazzled then he needs to step up. It's not fair. He was the one who wanted to have kids so early in our relationship and so early in our lives. Had I known he would never do anything except when he is forced to I probably would have waited longer to have kids. I by no means regret my kids because that's the only thing that keeps me going but damn, seriously. At minimum at least play with the poor kid more often. He is great with our daughter but since she is not here everyday that's really not enough. Both kids need attention and care from their dad not just one.
It makes me feel like a bad mom sometimes like, why can't I take care of him by myself in the first place but then I try and snap out of it because I shouldn't have to be doing it alone and everyone needs breaks. I need to stop punishing myself for the period of time where I was unable to take care of my kids and stop assuming that needing an hour break is compatible.
I had a crying spree today because I was so tired and had only gotten a few hours of sleep and I really needed my husband to watch my son for just like an hour while I laid down and like every 5 minutes I had to tell him to either watch what my son was doing or tell my son to stop doing something or to be a little quieter. I just don't get why he has such a problem helping me. He is home he should be doing something, anything. I do everything cook, clean, bath time, bedtime, waking up while he sleeps in, play time, laundry, and picking up after him, all the finances, and reminding him of everything he has to do. Like I told him I truly don't mind doing it at all but when I ask for help because I am getting so frazzled then he needs to step up. It's not fair. He was the one who wanted to have kids so early in our relationship and so early in our lives. Had I known he would never do anything except when he is forced to I probably would have waited longer to have kids. I by no means regret my kids because that's the only thing that keeps me going but damn, seriously. At minimum at least play with the poor kid more often. He is great with our daughter but since she is not here everyday that's really not enough. Both kids need attention and care from their dad not just one.
It makes me feel like a bad mom sometimes like, why can't I take care of him by myself in the first place but then I try and snap out of it because I shouldn't have to be doing it alone and everyone needs breaks. I need to stop punishing myself for the period of time where I was unable to take care of my kids and stop assuming that needing an hour break is compatible.
Trichotillomania
I joined some Trichotillomania support groups on facebook today. I didn't even know they had any but one has over 700 members. It was relieving knowing that I was not alone in this but at the same time scared the living shit out of me because so many people had to shave their heads just to control their behaviors :( and seeing how long people have struggled with it and hearing their stories. It is empowering but at the same time scares me because I never realized how back my own problem was until I took a picture of the top of my head and posted it in the group. Looking at it was the most horrific thing of my life and now every strand I pull makes me feel disgusting so I have been a big ball of emotional mess today. Kind of just want to cry and scream but I am keeping it together. I never post any pictures of myself because I want to keep this anonymous but this was the picture that I posted in the group.
It makes me so mad because I have overcome so much but this seems so impossible! One day I hope to look back on all of this and have it just be a chapter in my book. I just fear since my mom has it too that it maybe not happen. :(
It makes me so mad because I have overcome so much but this seems so impossible! One day I hope to look back on all of this and have it just be a chapter in my book. I just fear since my mom has it too that it maybe not happen. :(
12/25/12
So tonight was my first semi-normal Christmas since my overdose. It was extremely emotional but a lot better than last year. I spent the day with the kids and my husband's family. We even took our son to see The rise of the guardian, super cute movie. If you have kids I definitely recommend it! It was a day of reflection and how far I have come. Just reliving all the emotions that I have felt for this last year and even my whole life. With my mom being sick my whole life, her brain surgery, my sister running away from it all, my parents divorce, my rape, my suicide attempt, my marriage, my kids. Just thinking about where I was last year; my hallucinations, being wrongfully diagnosed schizophrenic the hair pulling which has been my one escalation since last year. Just my fear in general. Fear of everything, people, driving, my parenting, eating, life, just everything. It just all feels surreal.
The hair pulling is my one copping mechanism. It's a shitty one but I can't stop and honestly it's hard to even want to. If it weren't for the bald spots and the realization every morning when I clean up huge balls of hair off the floor it wouldn't bother me at all. I ever wonder if I will ever be normal but what the hell is that anyways. All I have learned from is people who have shitty ways of copping; drinking, drugs, porn. Yuck. At least self harm is only that; self harm. Not to say that it doesn't effect anyone else because I am sure it does but at least it's not impairing me or anyone else.
Lately my emotions have really taken a tole on my patience. I am not nearly as patient as I used to be with anyone. I get angry a lot faster than normal. Not like I am out of control I am just used to being so calm and always so patient. It is a weird change for me. I think it is because I am so tired and the holidays are always hard for me because I never get to see my family.
I don't know, looking back on my whole life and everything I have been through; it was nice to look in my kids eyes and just appreciate them. Appreciate the fact that I didn't die that day and I am still able to watch them grow up even if our separation at the moment is not ideal.
On a different note; my mom called me the other day trash talking my sister. That was a really hard experience for me. She was talking about how all she does is drink and do whatever drug she can get a hold of (like pills) and she is not a good mom and is never there for her son. It made me mad because as I told her none of us have been the perfect parents. My mom did drugs almost my whole life and between that and her mental and physical handicaps at the time it made parenting impossible for her. I just don't think anyone has the right to judge anyone elses situation at all. We weren't taught a good example of how to be good mom's let alone normal people. All of us have severe issues; my mom, my sister, my dad. We all do. I just didn't think it was fair. It was hypocritical. Then she begged me not to tell my sister because she doesn't want to start confrontation. Which puts me in a terrible position.
I am still working on identifying my emotions because most of the time I feel numb which I know is not true. It is just the only word I can ever think of but If I were numb I wouldn't feel anything at all. I still wonder if I will ever be happy again. Happy like I used to be before everything spun out of control. But sometimes I think I wasn't even happy then just blissfully unaware and naive. I am sure that is it because things sure as hell weren't perfect. I am trying to reconnect with God but it is hard for me. It is hard to have blind faith.
The hair pulling is my one copping mechanism. It's a shitty one but I can't stop and honestly it's hard to even want to. If it weren't for the bald spots and the realization every morning when I clean up huge balls of hair off the floor it wouldn't bother me at all. I ever wonder if I will ever be normal but what the hell is that anyways. All I have learned from is people who have shitty ways of copping; drinking, drugs, porn. Yuck. At least self harm is only that; self harm. Not to say that it doesn't effect anyone else because I am sure it does but at least it's not impairing me or anyone else.
Lately my emotions have really taken a tole on my patience. I am not nearly as patient as I used to be with anyone. I get angry a lot faster than normal. Not like I am out of control I am just used to being so calm and always so patient. It is a weird change for me. I think it is because I am so tired and the holidays are always hard for me because I never get to see my family.
I don't know, looking back on my whole life and everything I have been through; it was nice to look in my kids eyes and just appreciate them. Appreciate the fact that I didn't die that day and I am still able to watch them grow up even if our separation at the moment is not ideal.
On a different note; my mom called me the other day trash talking my sister. That was a really hard experience for me. She was talking about how all she does is drink and do whatever drug she can get a hold of (like pills) and she is not a good mom and is never there for her son. It made me mad because as I told her none of us have been the perfect parents. My mom did drugs almost my whole life and between that and her mental and physical handicaps at the time it made parenting impossible for her. I just don't think anyone has the right to judge anyone elses situation at all. We weren't taught a good example of how to be good mom's let alone normal people. All of us have severe issues; my mom, my sister, my dad. We all do. I just didn't think it was fair. It was hypocritical. Then she begged me not to tell my sister because she doesn't want to start confrontation. Which puts me in a terrible position.
I am still working on identifying my emotions because most of the time I feel numb which I know is not true. It is just the only word I can ever think of but If I were numb I wouldn't feel anything at all. I still wonder if I will ever be happy again. Happy like I used to be before everything spun out of control. But sometimes I think I wasn't even happy then just blissfully unaware and naive. I am sure that is it because things sure as hell weren't perfect. I am trying to reconnect with God but it is hard for me. It is hard to have blind faith.
Fear
I have been thinking about writing for the last few days but I wasn't sure what to say. My anxiety is really high lately. I think it is from being away from my daughter. Both kids have been sick so I haven't seen her in a week or so. My husband is trying to find a job until he goes back to work and he is going to try and do the jobs program through DHS once we lose our unemployment in a few weeks. I think it is because of the shooting that happened. It really hit me wrong to imagine loosing my babies at such a young age. I obviously know I haven't lost her but missing her doesn't help. I will be so glad to be able to hold her on Monday! Hopefully that will relieve some of my anxiety. I will just feel better when we can move and see her whenever we want all the time. It's so hard having to keep my kids quiet all the time and keep them from annoying everyone else. Don't get me wrong at all I am so unbelievably and amazingly appreciative for the roof over our head and everything they have done for us, it is just hard being split up. For some reason I have this overwhelming fear that something is going to fall through where my daughter lives and she will end up homeless. I am worried that the same thing that happened to my son will happen to my baby and I won't be able to do a single thing about it because we have no more room in the house and my roommates are already having such a hard time with just my son being here. I know it is just paranoia but it is still a fear none the less.
November 29, 2011
I have been trying to think of words to describe today being that it is the anniversary of my overdose but I am still at a loss for words. It is still a tough thing to look back on and definitely an experience that changed my life. November 29, 2011 is a day I will never forget but a day I hate to remember.
I am trying my hardest to stay positive after these last few days. Right after we applied for a house we found out that while my husband is on his winter lay off from fire fighting (because the weather is too cold and erratic for them to work) that we will not be able to get unemployment because he was already on it this year. This means that we will not be able to move or get our daughter back until taxes. Luckily we have enough money to get us through so that we will be able to pay our bills until he is back working or we get taxes, whichever one comes first. It just feels like as soon as something good happens we get thrown three steps back again. We did not even end up getting the house so it wasn't like we had to turn it down.
Thanksgiving was nice but hard because again I didn't get to see any of my family. I called my mom and my sister to wish them a happy thanksgiving and I found it really hard to talk to my sister. I was almost in tears. I really hope that one of these years we have enough money to see them on an important holiday.
Lately my son hasn't been sleeping well because he has been sick so between my insomnia and him being up half the night I haven't been sleeping. My hair pulling is worse then it has ever been. I am seriously so shocked that I even have any hair left on my head!! My husband keeps telling me to just stop as if it is that easy. I wish it was but its worse then an obsession its an impulse that I don't even notice anymore and even when I do I can't control it. My head is spinning with thoughts but I can't sort them out so I guess that is all for tonight.
Thanksgiving was nice but hard because again I didn't get to see any of my family. I called my mom and my sister to wish them a happy thanksgiving and I found it really hard to talk to my sister. I was almost in tears. I really hope that one of these years we have enough money to see them on an important holiday.
Lately my son hasn't been sleeping well because he has been sick so between my insomnia and him being up half the night I haven't been sleeping. My hair pulling is worse then it has ever been. I am seriously so shocked that I even have any hair left on my head!! My husband keeps telling me to just stop as if it is that easy. I wish it was but its worse then an obsession its an impulse that I don't even notice anymore and even when I do I can't control it. My head is spinning with thoughts but I can't sort them out so I guess that is all for tonight.
Update
Again its been a long time since I have written anything. I guess I just feel like no one reads it so there is no point. I know my therapist would absolutely disagree whole heartedly. LOL. As usual a lot has happened since I last posted anything. So let's see how much I can accurately look back on.
In September I started working at Fred Meyer part time in the nutrition center. I absolutely loved it. It gave me a little bit of purpose and taught me something new. It was physically very hard on my body but I enjoyed it. After two months of working there I got fired. I was a little bit disappointed but after talking to my sister and rearranging our bills to make everything work, we got it handled. In October our son moved back in with us because he wasn't doing well being away from me all of the time. He was getting very depressed and it just was not a good situation. We are still renting a room from a family member so things are very cramped and tight but we are making it work. Our daughter is still living with her grandma.
We found a two bedroom apartment that we really liked and applied for it. We will know something between tomorrow and Monday. It was the cheapest thing we could find. Oddly enough it was cheaper then most studio apartments. We are really crossing our fingers because it would be good for us to have our daughter back part time. We aren't taking her away from her grandma because it would not be good for either of them. Our daughter has lived with her grandma since she was two months old (she is 14 months now.) So taking her away from what she knows would be too traumatic for her. So we figure when she wants to be home she will come home. We will shoot for about half the week.
In 9 days it makes it to the one year anniversary of my suicide attempt. I guess all I can say is that it is a bittersweet memory. I am not really sure as of right now how I feel about it. I can still recall each moment like it happened yesterday. So far I have been doing really good. Still exhausted and have spouts of depression and my anxiety and hair pulling is about the same but I have been successfully off of my pills for months now even without therapy. I am taking care of my son 24/7 by myself with very little help from my husband and when my daughter is here even though she prefers her dad all the care is pretty much done by me. So I have been in full swing of the mom thing again. It is tiring but I am closer now to my son then I have ever been which I never thought was possible (because I have always been very attached to him.)
All in all I really don't know what to say. would I say that I'm back to normal? Hell no, I never was at a normal. But I have a better understanding that I will always have to deal with these demons that I have. Depression is just a part of me and I can live with that. There were many times in my life where I thought I couldn't but I think that I can. I hope that I can. Life is not perfect but we are working hard to get everything back in order. Most of the time I am just kind of numb. Numb is not the exact feeling but its the closest thing that I can use to describe it. These headaches bother me more than anything. They are absolutely draining and make me so irritable but I refuse to go back on medication for anything even over the counter. I've had enough of pumping myself full of countless pills. I don't know I guess that is all I have for right now. Just thought I would give an update.
In September I started working at Fred Meyer part time in the nutrition center. I absolutely loved it. It gave me a little bit of purpose and taught me something new. It was physically very hard on my body but I enjoyed it. After two months of working there I got fired. I was a little bit disappointed but after talking to my sister and rearranging our bills to make everything work, we got it handled. In October our son moved back in with us because he wasn't doing well being away from me all of the time. He was getting very depressed and it just was not a good situation. We are still renting a room from a family member so things are very cramped and tight but we are making it work. Our daughter is still living with her grandma.
We found a two bedroom apartment that we really liked and applied for it. We will know something between tomorrow and Monday. It was the cheapest thing we could find. Oddly enough it was cheaper then most studio apartments. We are really crossing our fingers because it would be good for us to have our daughter back part time. We aren't taking her away from her grandma because it would not be good for either of them. Our daughter has lived with her grandma since she was two months old (she is 14 months now.) So taking her away from what she knows would be too traumatic for her. So we figure when she wants to be home she will come home. We will shoot for about half the week.
In 9 days it makes it to the one year anniversary of my suicide attempt. I guess all I can say is that it is a bittersweet memory. I am not really sure as of right now how I feel about it. I can still recall each moment like it happened yesterday. So far I have been doing really good. Still exhausted and have spouts of depression and my anxiety and hair pulling is about the same but I have been successfully off of my pills for months now even without therapy. I am taking care of my son 24/7 by myself with very little help from my husband and when my daughter is here even though she prefers her dad all the care is pretty much done by me. So I have been in full swing of the mom thing again. It is tiring but I am closer now to my son then I have ever been which I never thought was possible (because I have always been very attached to him.)
All in all I really don't know what to say. would I say that I'm back to normal? Hell no, I never was at a normal. But I have a better understanding that I will always have to deal with these demons that I have. Depression is just a part of me and I can live with that. There were many times in my life where I thought I couldn't but I think that I can. I hope that I can. Life is not perfect but we are working hard to get everything back in order. Most of the time I am just kind of numb. Numb is not the exact feeling but its the closest thing that I can use to describe it. These headaches bother me more than anything. They are absolutely draining and make me so irritable but I refuse to go back on medication for anything even over the counter. I've had enough of pumping myself full of countless pills. I don't know I guess that is all I have for right now. Just thought I would give an update.
It's been another long while since I have written. I am not sure why the gaps are getting further apart but I can tell you that my mind has been on anything but blogging. Almost a month ago we lost our house due to not being able to pay rent. We had to give our notice and use our last month rent to pay what we couldn't afford. Due to the fact that there are so many of us in our family. (us and two kids) We were unable to find somewhere to stay that would house all of us until we can find something else. Our family had to split up. The kids are staying in tents with their grandma in someone's yard and we are paying to stay with family. Our family splitting up has become the outspoken secret of my family because no one wants to face the homeless issue. Things for us are shaky. We live with my husband's cousin who already have a room mate themselves. It is not a bad situation but they too are not found of the fact that our family had to split up. It has made things very tense around the house. My husband and I have been busting tail to find jobs and my husband successfully found one. Obviously as you can tell the resident manager position didn't work out and we didn't get hired. He is working as an on call fire fighter. Me, I haven't been so lucky. Although, I did have an interview at a local store chain last Monday.
Things without the kids have been heaven and hell. It was so hard for me to be a Mom lately. So hard to push myself to do the work that so many do and so many are never thanked for. It's a hard job being a parent! I miss the kids to death. We only get to see them maybe twice a week because we can't meet at their house and things are tense here so we can't do that either. When we see the kids we take them places like the park. The kids don't really notice much of a difference not having us around partially because they are with someone who is familiar. We lived with their grandma anyways so its someone they are used to spending everyday with. Me on the other hand, I notice. Yeah it's good not having to be on a schedule, or wake up early, or worry about much more then how much we pay to make sure they are taken care of. But it's not the same. I miss hearing them play and laugh, I miss seeing them everyday, I miss the aggravation.
It has been this bittersweet thing. I hate it but I don't want to get used to it either. I am still going to therapy and my suicidal tendencies have gone done. I am trying to get a hold of my depression because without the kids it could really spiral out of control. I can't believe that at this stage in my life I am back at the very bottom. I want to go back to when my husband and I both worked, we had plenty of money, we had the kids, we had our own apartment. Go back when my depression wasn't out of control and our life was perfect. Sometimes I just really want to run away from my life in general and get a new start. I wish it worked like that, I wish we got do-overs.
Things without the kids have been heaven and hell. It was so hard for me to be a Mom lately. So hard to push myself to do the work that so many do and so many are never thanked for. It's a hard job being a parent! I miss the kids to death. We only get to see them maybe twice a week because we can't meet at their house and things are tense here so we can't do that either. When we see the kids we take them places like the park. The kids don't really notice much of a difference not having us around partially because they are with someone who is familiar. We lived with their grandma anyways so its someone they are used to spending everyday with. Me on the other hand, I notice. Yeah it's good not having to be on a schedule, or wake up early, or worry about much more then how much we pay to make sure they are taken care of. But it's not the same. I miss hearing them play and laugh, I miss seeing them everyday, I miss the aggravation.
It has been this bittersweet thing. I hate it but I don't want to get used to it either. I am still going to therapy and my suicidal tendencies have gone done. I am trying to get a hold of my depression because without the kids it could really spiral out of control. I can't believe that at this stage in my life I am back at the very bottom. I want to go back to when my husband and I both worked, we had plenty of money, we had the kids, we had our own apartment. Go back when my depression wasn't out of control and our life was perfect. Sometimes I just really want to run away from my life in general and get a new start. I wish it worked like that, I wish we got do-overs.
LIFE
I don't know why life has to be so hard. I'm so fast drowning. I wish things were different. I wish I could just be a part of my life but life is just too hectic to be a part of. I hate being like this. This isn't fun for me. I am really heartbroken for my mom because she is the only one who understands yet is so far away. I am so miserable I can't stand it. I wish I was better. I hate that I am so incapable of being happy. I don't even know what to say. I never know what to say anymore. For the first time in months I just don't want to deal with life. ):
One BAD dream
I am now facing the hardest battle that i never thought i would have to
face. We have no money to pay rent because we are unemployed so now we
have to move out of our house. No one has room for us and the kids to
stay so now the kids have to stay with other people. Luckily we found a
job as resident managers so that we can have a place to live but only
one kid at a time can visit. We have no other options right now but to
separate but i just don't know if i can handle being away from my kids!
Right now they are the only one's keeping me motivated. Tomorrow my
husband does his criminal background check and will soon take his test
for the certification he needs for us to live there. I never thought in a
million years that i would have to live away from my kids. That is the
whole reason i did not stay at the crisis center for more then 24 hours.
I honestly don't know what i can say about all of this aside from the
fact that it all feels like one bad dream! All i can say is thank
freaking god i have therapy tomorrow.
213 days
213 days-7 months later and it is still a daily battle for me! No one will ever truly know how my world spun that day; how things changed forever. It's hard to even explain the feelings that come to mind now. How different things are compared to how they used to be. My world made more sense then. It's like my whole world got tossed around; jumbled up into pieces and my senses became clearer or fussier depending on how you look at it. I began to analyze everything around me. My world became full of whys. Why am I living like this? Why am I so alone? Is this really as happy as I will ever get? My perfect world fell apart. I still have a lot of anger towards the people that pushed me to evaluate the perfection I thought I had. I did everything and I did it happily. Now I can barely do anything and everything is a battle. I don't even remember what it is like to be happy. The last memory I have of happiness is that day. The peace I felt that I would never feel again.
Ups and downs
I hate the ups and downs that come with having sever depression. Tomorrow makes 7 months and it is still a daily battle that no one will ever truly understand. I used to think that my mom never understood me but lately I feel like she may be the only one that understand and accepts the way things are for me right now. She is so accepting about the space I am in and making sure I am really okay. Through all of the things I have learned in therapy, it has really brought us so much closer. I feel an emptiness with her being so far away. She understands that 7 months is a short amount of time to try and balance so many things. Work, school, two kids, being a wife, just existing. The more I take one the more I become drowning again.
My newest battle is my son being almost three. He is so angry all the time and so hard to control. It makes everyday feel absolutely hopeless. He has broken three windows, a door, and a screen. His doctor thinks he has oppositional defiant disorder. Which would explain why he is so persistent in not listening and doing everything he can to demand and take control of every situation. Most people say well that sounds like every three year old but it's to such a different level. Nothing works with him; timeouts, spankings, yelling, being stern, being super nice. He has an evaluation on Monday so hopefully this will give us all some much needed help.
My cousin is an absolute bitch who said that we are doing Munchausen on my son. For those of you who don't know what that is, it is a form of child abuse where you make your kids sick to get attention. You do things like poison them so they appear to be sicker then they would be. I honestly can't believe anyone would ever have the nerve to say something so hurtful. I absolutely do not abuse my child in any way shape or form. I deleted that bitch off of my facebook. Anyone who is going to act like that doesn't have a right to know what is going on with my kids. Some people are just downright nasty!
To top this all off my fibromyalgia has been really flaring up and all the stress just doesn't help. We have no money and are so broke all the time. We can't even pay all of our bills. The biggest one being rent because its 800$. Our rent is due in 3 days and we have none of it at all. It is so stressful. I have a job but I haven't started working yet and even if I was it wouldn't be enough to pay rent anyways because I only get 12 hours a week. At least I will be doing something I love again-caregiving. The caregiving is going to be bad for my fibromyalgia but good for my sanity. It will be nice to get out of the house for a few hours. My hair pulling has gotten terrible! I have giant bald spots now. I feel like my anxiety is low but obviously not because my hair pulling is still just as bad as it was 7 months ago.
I am feeling so alone again. I am around people all day every day but it is just not enough. I have always felt like no one understands me. People just assume but they don't even try and the one person that naturally understands because she has been there lives in a different state. I always thought being like my mom was a bad thing, like a curse or something. In some ways of course I would never wish to have so much wrong with me, but since I already do it is nice to know that someone out there understands what it's like. Not every with regular depression can say they know. Not unless you have been down to the lowest point. The point of no return, where you give up and take your life in your own hands. Only then can you even act like it may be a possibility that you get where I am coming from. Maybe one day someone else will understand what it's like to be trapped in this space. But part of me wishes that no one will ever have to be here where I am to find out.
My newest battle is my son being almost three. He is so angry all the time and so hard to control. It makes everyday feel absolutely hopeless. He has broken three windows, a door, and a screen. His doctor thinks he has oppositional defiant disorder. Which would explain why he is so persistent in not listening and doing everything he can to demand and take control of every situation. Most people say well that sounds like every three year old but it's to such a different level. Nothing works with him; timeouts, spankings, yelling, being stern, being super nice. He has an evaluation on Monday so hopefully this will give us all some much needed help.
My cousin is an absolute bitch who said that we are doing Munchausen on my son. For those of you who don't know what that is, it is a form of child abuse where you make your kids sick to get attention. You do things like poison them so they appear to be sicker then they would be. I honestly can't believe anyone would ever have the nerve to say something so hurtful. I absolutely do not abuse my child in any way shape or form. I deleted that bitch off of my facebook. Anyone who is going to act like that doesn't have a right to know what is going on with my kids. Some people are just downright nasty!
To top this all off my fibromyalgia has been really flaring up and all the stress just doesn't help. We have no money and are so broke all the time. We can't even pay all of our bills. The biggest one being rent because its 800$. Our rent is due in 3 days and we have none of it at all. It is so stressful. I have a job but I haven't started working yet and even if I was it wouldn't be enough to pay rent anyways because I only get 12 hours a week. At least I will be doing something I love again-caregiving. The caregiving is going to be bad for my fibromyalgia but good for my sanity. It will be nice to get out of the house for a few hours. My hair pulling has gotten terrible! I have giant bald spots now. I feel like my anxiety is low but obviously not because my hair pulling is still just as bad as it was 7 months ago.
I am feeling so alone again. I am around people all day every day but it is just not enough. I have always felt like no one understands me. People just assume but they don't even try and the one person that naturally understands because she has been there lives in a different state. I always thought being like my mom was a bad thing, like a curse or something. In some ways of course I would never wish to have so much wrong with me, but since I already do it is nice to know that someone out there understands what it's like. Not every with regular depression can say they know. Not unless you have been down to the lowest point. The point of no return, where you give up and take your life in your own hands. Only then can you even act like it may be a possibility that you get where I am coming from. Maybe one day someone else will understand what it's like to be trapped in this space. But part of me wishes that no one will ever have to be here where I am to find out.
166 days
I guess this is another blog in which I catch everyone up on what has been going on. My husband and I have been working on our marriage. If I have any advice for a successful marriage it would be to never let anyone have a right to a place inside of your marriage. Defending one another is what keeps you strong. It is like my therapist says you can't have a marriage off of 50/50 because no relationship will last on 50% and going on 3 years of marriage I would say is more successful then most.
I am very encouraged by her she has this amazing perspective and is so close with her walk with God. She encourages me to live under my values and I have been slacking in this. I have realized that my unhappiness has come from being forced into relationships with people that don't care for me. I will be taking a step forward into not giving people an opportunity to live in my life if they will not be positive and encouraging. All this negativity really brings me down and I don't believe that I have to live that way. If something or someone makes you unhappy then change it. Family included.
I am very disappointed in the way some of my family has chosen to act of late. All the judgements really have me thinking. Most of them do not even have to do with me but negativity is negativity none the less. Life's journey is about finding a way to become the best person you can be. Everyone fails at this and some people don't even try. There is a lot of people I have let stay in my life out of the fact that they are "family." I don't believe this anymore. Family are the people that love and nurture you, take care of you and are only positive and encouraging. If someone can't uphold that then they have no right or purpose in my life. People make mistakes and as long as people are making a valiant effort to uphold those values then that is okay by me.
I want to teach my kids how people are treated. How to value not only other people but yourself. It is so important to not allow others to treat you in a manner that makes you feel less then you are. No one has the right to belittle you. I am one therapy session away from graduation and I honestly cant believe in just 6 short months I have accomplished all of my goals. *happy dance* I still have a lot to work on to make my life better for my family but kids and husbands are patient.
I am very proud of my husband who has decided that he wants counseling for his porn addiction. Him getting help will encourage me to look at him in a more positive manner. All the destruction in our marriage has made me feel not only less connected to him but less respectful to him. Respect is earned. My therapist asked me why I have decided to stay with him through three years of addiction and what should be considered cheating. My answer was my values. Just because he broke our vows does not mean that I should be forced to break them as a result of his behaviors. I believe in marriage whether he is upholding that or not. I am trying to make me a better person regardless of the choices that other people make.
I am very encouraged by her she has this amazing perspective and is so close with her walk with God. She encourages me to live under my values and I have been slacking in this. I have realized that my unhappiness has come from being forced into relationships with people that don't care for me. I will be taking a step forward into not giving people an opportunity to live in my life if they will not be positive and encouraging. All this negativity really brings me down and I don't believe that I have to live that way. If something or someone makes you unhappy then change it. Family included.
I am very disappointed in the way some of my family has chosen to act of late. All the judgements really have me thinking. Most of them do not even have to do with me but negativity is negativity none the less. Life's journey is about finding a way to become the best person you can be. Everyone fails at this and some people don't even try. There is a lot of people I have let stay in my life out of the fact that they are "family." I don't believe this anymore. Family are the people that love and nurture you, take care of you and are only positive and encouraging. If someone can't uphold that then they have no right or purpose in my life. People make mistakes and as long as people are making a valiant effort to uphold those values then that is okay by me.
I want to teach my kids how people are treated. How to value not only other people but yourself. It is so important to not allow others to treat you in a manner that makes you feel less then you are. No one has the right to belittle you. I am one therapy session away from graduation and I honestly cant believe in just 6 short months I have accomplished all of my goals. *happy dance* I still have a lot to work on to make my life better for my family but kids and husbands are patient.
I am very proud of my husband who has decided that he wants counseling for his porn addiction. Him getting help will encourage me to look at him in a more positive manner. All the destruction in our marriage has made me feel not only less connected to him but less respectful to him. Respect is earned. My therapist asked me why I have decided to stay with him through three years of addiction and what should be considered cheating. My answer was my values. Just because he broke our vows does not mean that I should be forced to break them as a result of his behaviors. I believe in marriage whether he is upholding that or not. I am trying to make me a better person regardless of the choices that other people make.
Wish I could word for word what has happened today. I feel betrayed and even more uncomfortable then I already did in this house. I feel completely unwanted and hated more then ever. I have been virtually gang banged and hung up to dry. I am tired of having this same shit happen all the time. It's always about me and how I am a bad mom and wife. No one else ever has to be accountable for anything they do or say other then the expectation that I must. I am not sure where this puts me. But I truly feel more then ever like I don't belong here.
Everyone wants to try and analyze me like I don't know my flaws or the good things I do. I know who I am, what I do, and lack there of. I don't need anyone to tell me their opinions or observations especially from coming from people who are no better of wives, husbands, or parents then I am. It is absolutely insulting to fight your ass off and then be told your not trying to get better. I feel like someone spit in my face. I am tired of all the center of problems being around me. Frankly it is no one's business. No one asked for an opinion I'm tired of getting everyone's back draft.
I don't know where this punts me in my relationship because no one ever talks other then behind people's backs. I feel like little by little as people get drug into my relationship that isn't theirs, more gets taken out. The only time we even have a problem in our marriage is when other people get involved. I wish I had somewhere to go. A place to clear my head for a while but with no job, no driver's license, and no family around I don't have that option. I am stuck.
I am tired of having to walk on egg shells. The only reason I lack in doing things is because no matter what or how much I do I am always being judged at every turn. I don't think it's fair or right. I don't judge everyone else, there are lots of things I could say but I don't because it's not my place. It's funny how you give up for someone and all you get in return is a tit for tat board. Like you have never given up for them in return.
I never asked anything out of anyone and yet I am supposed to be a mind reader. I am supposed to automatically know when everyone wants help even though no one ever asks and always orders others to not do things. I find this funny because people have enough time to congregate and talk bad about others but not to ask for help. I am absolutely offended to the core and don't know what to say to anyone near me right now.
No one in this entire house knows a single thing about why I feel the way I do because no one ever asks. I am speechless that everyone tries to guess and assume that they know me better then I do. Everyone's wrong and this proves that nobody knows me. I am who I am and no one is going to take that away from me. I am tired of being loved for who everyone else wants me to be. I am my own person, my own kind of parent, my own kind of wife and if that isn't good enough for my kids or my husband then that is for them to say. I am so completely hurt. I am tired of never being good enough. I truly feel like I don't know any of these people anymore. I never thought they were the kinds of people who sit and judge or sit and talk about others. I am just plain hurt and have nothing further to say.
Everyone wants to try and analyze me like I don't know my flaws or the good things I do. I know who I am, what I do, and lack there of. I don't need anyone to tell me their opinions or observations especially from coming from people who are no better of wives, husbands, or parents then I am. It is absolutely insulting to fight your ass off and then be told your not trying to get better. I feel like someone spit in my face. I am tired of all the center of problems being around me. Frankly it is no one's business. No one asked for an opinion I'm tired of getting everyone's back draft.
I don't know where this punts me in my relationship because no one ever talks other then behind people's backs. I feel like little by little as people get drug into my relationship that isn't theirs, more gets taken out. The only time we even have a problem in our marriage is when other people get involved. I wish I had somewhere to go. A place to clear my head for a while but with no job, no driver's license, and no family around I don't have that option. I am stuck.
I am tired of having to walk on egg shells. The only reason I lack in doing things is because no matter what or how much I do I am always being judged at every turn. I don't think it's fair or right. I don't judge everyone else, there are lots of things I could say but I don't because it's not my place. It's funny how you give up for someone and all you get in return is a tit for tat board. Like you have never given up for them in return.
I never asked anything out of anyone and yet I am supposed to be a mind reader. I am supposed to automatically know when everyone wants help even though no one ever asks and always orders others to not do things. I find this funny because people have enough time to congregate and talk bad about others but not to ask for help. I am absolutely offended to the core and don't know what to say to anyone near me right now.
No one in this entire house knows a single thing about why I feel the way I do because no one ever asks. I am speechless that everyone tries to guess and assume that they know me better then I do. Everyone's wrong and this proves that nobody knows me. I am who I am and no one is going to take that away from me. I am tired of being loved for who everyone else wants me to be. I am my own person, my own kind of parent, my own kind of wife and if that isn't good enough for my kids or my husband then that is for them to say. I am so completely hurt. I am tired of never being good enough. I truly feel like I don't know any of these people anymore. I never thought they were the kinds of people who sit and judge or sit and talk about others. I am just plain hurt and have nothing further to say.
Personal Inventory
I go to celebrate recovery every week to deal with my co-dependency and drug use. The last few sessions we have been talking about having to do a personal inventory. I finished mine today so I thought I would share.
In case you do not know a personal inventory is all of the good and bad things that have happened in your life.
·
· -Mom disappeared for three days
· -Mom went to jail
· -Mom tried to jump out of the car
· -Parents got divorced
· -Mom got with her new husband
· -My sister ran away
· -Moved states
· -Was raped
· -Got with an older man (two years together)
· -Met ^ his daughter
· -Was anorexic
· -First suicide attempt
· -Was baptized
· -First time I smoked weed (15)
· -Lost my virginity to older man
· -(16) first time I got drunk
· -(17) parents forgot my birthday
· -Got pregnant with my son
· -My son’s brain problems
· -Fight with brother-in-law-told tye my son wasn’t his
· -Big fight with Ma
· -Moved out of Ma’s house
· -Moved in with cousin-in-law
· -Fight with cousin-moved again
· -Moved back in with my mom
· -Got married
· -Husband lost his job
· -My first job-as a caregiver
· -Got our own apartment
· -Was told I shouldn’t have any more kids
· -New job
· -Tried 10 months to get pregnant again
· -Got pregnant with my daughter
· -Daughter’s health problems in-utero
· -Husband’s porn addiction
· -My overdose
· -Fight with husband that lead to overdose
· -Fight with my mom that lead to overdose
· -CRC
· -Moved in with Ma
· -Big fight with brother-in-law-attacked sister
· -Quit my job
· -Moved into a new house
· -Son’s ITP
· -Husband lost his job
In case you do not know a personal inventory is all of the good and bad things that have happened in your life.
·
· -Mom disappeared for three days
· -Mom went to jail
· -Mom tried to jump out of the car
· -Parents got divorced
· -Mom got with her new husband
· -My sister ran away
· -Moved states
· -Was raped
· -Got with an older man (two years together)
· -Met ^ his daughter
· -Was anorexic
· -First suicide attempt
· -Was baptized
· -First time I smoked weed (15)
· -Lost my virginity to older man
· -(16) first time I got drunk
· -(17) parents forgot my birthday
· -Got pregnant with my son
· -My son’s brain problems
· -Fight with brother-in-law-told tye my son wasn’t his
· -Big fight with Ma
· -Moved out of Ma’s house
· -Moved in with cousin-in-law
· -Fight with cousin-moved again
· -Moved back in with my mom
· -Got married
· -Husband lost his job
· -My first job-as a caregiver
· -Got our own apartment
· -Was told I shouldn’t have any more kids
· -New job
· -Tried 10 months to get pregnant again
· -Got pregnant with my daughter
· -Daughter’s health problems in-utero
· -Husband’s porn addiction
· -My overdose
· -Fight with husband that lead to overdose
· -Fight with my mom that lead to overdose
· -CRC
· -Moved in with Ma
· -Big fight with brother-in-law-attacked sister
· -Quit my job
· -Moved into a new house
· -Son’s ITP
· -Husband lost his job
Days like this....
"Days like this I want to drive away
Pack my bags and watch your shadow fade
You chewed me up and spit me out
Like I was poison in your mouth
You took my light, you drained me down
But that was then and this is now
Now look at me
This is the part of me
That you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no
This is the part of me
That you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no
Throw your sticks and your stones, throw your bombs and your blows
But you’re not gonna break my soul
This is the part of me
That you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no
I just wanna throw my phone away
Find out who is really there for me
You ripped me off, your love was cheap
Was always tearing at the seams
I fell deep, you let me down
But that was then and this is now
Now look at me"-Katy Perry
Pack my bags and watch your shadow fade
You chewed me up and spit me out
Like I was poison in your mouth
You took my light, you drained me down
But that was then and this is now
Now look at me
This is the part of me
That you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no
This is the part of me
That you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no
Throw your sticks and your stones, throw your bombs and your blows
But you’re not gonna break my soul
This is the part of me
That you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no
I just wanna throw my phone away
Find out who is really there for me
You ripped me off, your love was cheap
Was always tearing at the seams
I fell deep, you let me down
But that was then and this is now
Now look at me"-Katy Perry
Where there's a will there's a way
11.29.11♥ Five months ago my life changed. I hit rock bottom and have been picking up the pieces ever since. It has been a long, hard battle but I am making it! Only the strong survive. I am no where near perfect but I am no longer striving to be. That used to be my only goal and I was failing miserably. But, anyone would. Perfection is not just something anyone can expect from you, it is not obtainable or reachable, it is not realistic or measurable. It only exists in Jesus Christ.
My husband and I are getting remarried this year. I wanted my dream wedding but having no more income doesn't make that a realistic expectation at this point. I am so blessed to have people in my life that care. My cousin-in-law was worried that I wouldn't be able to have my wedding after all so she bought my wedding dress<3. She is also going to pay for a tux rental for my mother's day present. I feel so many thanks and gratitude for her helping me in this. I never expected anyone to pitch in or help. We still have a long ways to go and I am not too sure how the rest will pan out but where there is a will there is a way!
My husband and I are getting remarried this year. I wanted my dream wedding but having no more income doesn't make that a realistic expectation at this point. I am so blessed to have people in my life that care. My cousin-in-law was worried that I wouldn't be able to have my wedding after all so she bought my wedding dress<3. She is also going to pay for a tux rental for my mother's day present. I feel so many thanks and gratitude for her helping me in this. I never expected anyone to pitch in or help. We still have a long ways to go and I am not too sure how the rest will pan out but where there is a will there is a way!
Going to break
I REALLY NEED TO VENT. I am going to explode! I am tired of people's bad attitudes. It is not what I want my kids learning. I am so irritated. I don't understand why people can't just be nice and why they have to knowingly be nasty on purpose! God please help me with this because it is a reoccurring problem and I might snap soon. I am finding it harder and harder to not break my silence on this. But I try so hard not to judge and I don't want to be on the same level. God please help those that I am talking about. They really need MAJOR guidance so we can all have a little peace.
And tomorrow makes 5
151 days down and honestly my life is so much different. Tomorrow makes 5 months since my overdose. Under no circumstances would I say that I am 'back to normal,' but for the most part I am doing better. There are pieces of my life that faded when I did and I am still figuring out how to pick up all the pieces. It's not easy but hopefully I can do it.
I still struggle daily with depression and some days (like today) I feel like crying for no reason at all. I am still fragile. I don't think a lot of people realize what falling that hard does to you, how much energy it takes to do one task, and how uncomfortable it is to be around others. People still judge me, a lot. Drama around me being a mom, a wife, and a person in general seems to always be the topic of everyone's conversation.
I guess I am going to keep it short and sweet tonight because other then not feeling good, not much has gone on. Hopefully the unexcitement last!
Death to life
"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live."
Everyone has their own ideas of what death and life truly mean. For me they are both a journey on a road that I visit everyday. Some people live their lives never approaching deaths door, never walking up to the doorbell. Not only have I rang the bell but I have broke the lock and tried to come inside.
The meaning of life and death are very different to me now. The things I used to believe about death never stared me in the eye until I had my mind set on knocking at it's door.
No words will ever be able to describe what I felt that night. The sensation that came over me. The feeling of the air, my skin, my irregular heart beat. The feeling of the blood thinning out in my veins. It was beautiful. The simplicity that poured over every inch of my being.
Not even five minutes after I downed those pills, that one handful, that one swallow, those 67 pills, I felt peace. I closed my eyes and laid my head down on a pillow. Everything become about me. My mind, my body, my soul all enter-twined.
My phone ringing, flashing on silent, I hit ignore. The muffled sound of the police's fists making contact with my front door. No answer.
Finally mustering up the strength to unwind from my deepest fantasy, I picked up the Restricted number. Asking me, pleading to me to answer my front door. The feeling of my jello legs trying to walk to the ambulance. Being swarmed and surrounded by cops and paramedics while walking up the stairs just to make sure I didn't go tumbling down. 11.29.11 Something I never want to forget. This is why I got it tattooed.
In the same, the feeling of being born again has no description. Have God swoop over you transforming your body. 05.06.12 I will be born again, baptized in the eyes of God and those before me. Taking this sweet memory from death to life. <3
Everyone has their own ideas of what death and life truly mean. For me they are both a journey on a road that I visit everyday. Some people live their lives never approaching deaths door, never walking up to the doorbell. Not only have I rang the bell but I have broke the lock and tried to come inside.
The meaning of life and death are very different to me now. The things I used to believe about death never stared me in the eye until I had my mind set on knocking at it's door.
No words will ever be able to describe what I felt that night. The sensation that came over me. The feeling of the air, my skin, my irregular heart beat. The feeling of the blood thinning out in my veins. It was beautiful. The simplicity that poured over every inch of my being.
Not even five minutes after I downed those pills, that one handful, that one swallow, those 67 pills, I felt peace. I closed my eyes and laid my head down on a pillow. Everything become about me. My mind, my body, my soul all enter-twined.
My phone ringing, flashing on silent, I hit ignore. The muffled sound of the police's fists making contact with my front door. No answer.
Finally mustering up the strength to unwind from my deepest fantasy, I picked up the Restricted number. Asking me, pleading to me to answer my front door. The feeling of my jello legs trying to walk to the ambulance. Being swarmed and surrounded by cops and paramedics while walking up the stairs just to make sure I didn't go tumbling down. 11.29.11 Something I never want to forget. This is why I got it tattooed.
In the same, the feeling of being born again has no description. Have God swoop over you transforming your body. 05.06.12 I will be born again, baptized in the eyes of God and those before me. Taking this sweet memory from death to life. <3
150 days
I know I havent written in a long time. I felt like today was the perfect day because I feel like I am going to bust out of my seems. I have some opinions that need to get out before I burst but no one is ready to hear them.
I stopped writing in part because A) my writings have been so sporadic that I can imagine they are very hard to piece in what's missing and B) I feel like no one reads them anyways. I need to keep in mine that getting people to read was never my intention in the first place so I will try to fill in as many gaps as I can partially to get some things out and partially to deconfuse anyone who does read this.
During the last few months things have been just as hard as they usually are. We finally found a house to move in and I am having an incredibly hard time adjusting to my surroundings. In part because I am not used to living with other people and in part because nothing in this house is ours. It is hard looking around to nothing that feels familiar. I have been going to celebrate recovery and it's been about a month of me being sober. Sobriety has been hard for me but I have been making it (so far.)
I started on a new combination of vitamins and medications which for the most part have been helping. It is pure will that gets me through the day but I am taking it one day at a time with the help of God and His strengths. My husband lost his job of almost three years so things have been tight. I am not used to this kind of life and honestly have never even been close to being this broke. My debt has debt at this point in our life. I got a job very quickly working for a credit agency but my heart just couldn't do it. To be forced to see everything so black and white goes against everything I have been learning to change in my life since November. So I quit. We didn't have the means to do so and I regret not having the income but it went against every fiber of who I want to be and who I am fighting to become.
I have seen so much change in my life and who I am in these last 5 months and I am glad for all the growth I have been able to accomplish on my own. I never thought I could do it so independently but I did.
There has been a lot of drama and quarrel with people in our house and people outside of it. It almost feels like no one else is here for us but at times it feels like everyone is against us too. I know this is not true but feelings are feelings. I have learned to not judge anyone and to keep my mouth closed unless asked my opinion. This is really hard for me right now because there are some things in my life going on right now. But my mouth is closed.
My sister in law and I have gotten in a few blowouts because of disrespect and attitude and that is something that is still kind of wounded and fresh. She called me a bad mom and a bad wife and I lost it. I won't say much more about this because again it isn't my place. But it is something that hurt me deeply.
I recently had a drs appointment because of the tremendous amount of uterine pain that I was having. Turned out I had a uterine infection, my body rejected and pushed out my IUD and I had a cyst on my left ovary that had burst.
Things in my marriage have been very hard and we have hit a point of fighting to keep together. Most of our separation is due to the fact that we get no time together. Our lives are the kids and school (which we both do full time.) The other hump we are crossing is this separation I feel from everyone lately. I feel like I have no connection to anyone that I used to be close with.
Things with my mom have gotten a lot better. I am learning when to separate myself from drama with everyone and learn to place boundaries in where I feel they are needed. She is sorting her life out and has done a great job staying sober. I am very proud of her but there are things that in due time will need mending.
Overall I guess I can say my life has gotten better, but in truth that is a lie. My life is the same turn of events that it always has been, one bump in the road after another I am just learning how to fight to survive like I used to. I wouldn't say that I am "living", I still have a long road until I can say that, but in time I think I will get there. Suicide used to be an outlet for me, something I would run to when things got hard. I didn't want to live this life any longer but I am not God and that is not my choice to choose. I do not get to decide who lives and who dies.
Today during therapy I had my husband come for the first time. Things were very hard and emotional and we will see where it goes. My sessions have been about communication which is something our household desperately needs to learn so I figured what better session to be a part of. I think there were things said in there that hurt his feelings but I was being honest. The discussion stemmed from a packet that I did. We only got through part of the first question which was 'Who do I feel I have the hardest time communicating with?' My answer was my husband and my mother in law (Ma), which is very surprising because 6 months ago or even a year ago my answer would have been different. I had to explain why I felt that way. The answer for my husband was that I feel like nothing is ever important enough to be discussed and my Ma's was because I don't ever have time with her. If I am with her there is always someone else there and I can't be open like that and it seems silly to have to email or text her to talk.
I have gotten back in the swing with being a Mom and all my time has been spent with either one or both of my kids. It still gets overwhelming but I am trying to juggle life again. Overall, I am doing the best that I can and some people may not like that but no one is perfect so no one has the right to judge how much I am or am not doing. Contrary to people's believe I do not 'sit on my ass in my room while other people raise my kids' and when I am in my room my son sits right there with me watching cartoons which is usually only when he can't watch TV out in the living room. I used to think this story was about my journey as a mom, a wife, a daughter, a friend but it's not it's a journey about me. It's my road, my path, my journey. You can either accept me for who I am or find a place in someone else's book.
I stopped writing in part because A) my writings have been so sporadic that I can imagine they are very hard to piece in what's missing and B) I feel like no one reads them anyways. I need to keep in mine that getting people to read was never my intention in the first place so I will try to fill in as many gaps as I can partially to get some things out and partially to deconfuse anyone who does read this.
During the last few months things have been just as hard as they usually are. We finally found a house to move in and I am having an incredibly hard time adjusting to my surroundings. In part because I am not used to living with other people and in part because nothing in this house is ours. It is hard looking around to nothing that feels familiar. I have been going to celebrate recovery and it's been about a month of me being sober. Sobriety has been hard for me but I have been making it (so far.)
I started on a new combination of vitamins and medications which for the most part have been helping. It is pure will that gets me through the day but I am taking it one day at a time with the help of God and His strengths. My husband lost his job of almost three years so things have been tight. I am not used to this kind of life and honestly have never even been close to being this broke. My debt has debt at this point in our life. I got a job very quickly working for a credit agency but my heart just couldn't do it. To be forced to see everything so black and white goes against everything I have been learning to change in my life since November. So I quit. We didn't have the means to do so and I regret not having the income but it went against every fiber of who I want to be and who I am fighting to become.
I have seen so much change in my life and who I am in these last 5 months and I am glad for all the growth I have been able to accomplish on my own. I never thought I could do it so independently but I did.
There has been a lot of drama and quarrel with people in our house and people outside of it. It almost feels like no one else is here for us but at times it feels like everyone is against us too. I know this is not true but feelings are feelings. I have learned to not judge anyone and to keep my mouth closed unless asked my opinion. This is really hard for me right now because there are some things in my life going on right now. But my mouth is closed.
My sister in law and I have gotten in a few blowouts because of disrespect and attitude and that is something that is still kind of wounded and fresh. She called me a bad mom and a bad wife and I lost it. I won't say much more about this because again it isn't my place. But it is something that hurt me deeply.
I recently had a drs appointment because of the tremendous amount of uterine pain that I was having. Turned out I had a uterine infection, my body rejected and pushed out my IUD and I had a cyst on my left ovary that had burst.
Things in my marriage have been very hard and we have hit a point of fighting to keep together. Most of our separation is due to the fact that we get no time together. Our lives are the kids and school (which we both do full time.) The other hump we are crossing is this separation I feel from everyone lately. I feel like I have no connection to anyone that I used to be close with.
Things with my mom have gotten a lot better. I am learning when to separate myself from drama with everyone and learn to place boundaries in where I feel they are needed. She is sorting her life out and has done a great job staying sober. I am very proud of her but there are things that in due time will need mending.
Overall I guess I can say my life has gotten better, but in truth that is a lie. My life is the same turn of events that it always has been, one bump in the road after another I am just learning how to fight to survive like I used to. I wouldn't say that I am "living", I still have a long road until I can say that, but in time I think I will get there. Suicide used to be an outlet for me, something I would run to when things got hard. I didn't want to live this life any longer but I am not God and that is not my choice to choose. I do not get to decide who lives and who dies.
Today during therapy I had my husband come for the first time. Things were very hard and emotional and we will see where it goes. My sessions have been about communication which is something our household desperately needs to learn so I figured what better session to be a part of. I think there were things said in there that hurt his feelings but I was being honest. The discussion stemmed from a packet that I did. We only got through part of the first question which was 'Who do I feel I have the hardest time communicating with?' My answer was my husband and my mother in law (Ma), which is very surprising because 6 months ago or even a year ago my answer would have been different. I had to explain why I felt that way. The answer for my husband was that I feel like nothing is ever important enough to be discussed and my Ma's was because I don't ever have time with her. If I am with her there is always someone else there and I can't be open like that and it seems silly to have to email or text her to talk.
I have gotten back in the swing with being a Mom and all my time has been spent with either one or both of my kids. It still gets overwhelming but I am trying to juggle life again. Overall, I am doing the best that I can and some people may not like that but no one is perfect so no one has the right to judge how much I am or am not doing. Contrary to people's believe I do not 'sit on my ass in my room while other people raise my kids' and when I am in my room my son sits right there with me watching cartoons which is usually only when he can't watch TV out in the living room. I used to think this story was about my journey as a mom, a wife, a daughter, a friend but it's not it's a journey about me. It's my road, my path, my journey. You can either accept me for who I am or find a place in someone else's book.
So many things have been happening lately. I am happy to say I have been emotionally feeling a lot better. I think this new medication along with new skills have been doing me a lot of good. I feel very blessed to have the family I have and everything getting better. I quit my job because morally I wasnt comfortable being mean to people I dont know. I am looking for a new job right now.
My husband still hasnt found a job. My mom and I have been mending our relationship which I am very glad of and I am almost done with therapy. I have been spending a lot of time with my kids. God is good.
My husband still hasnt found a job. My mom and I have been mending our relationship which I am very glad of and I am almost done with therapy. I have been spending a lot of time with my kids. God is good.
132 days
I hate my job. It is not something that my heart is able to do. Being mean to people isn't what I like doing. I don't think I was ready to go back. I left work crying today. This isn't good. I feel really out of place like I am trying to be someone else. I wonder if I will always be unhappy. I feel like it will never end. Being confronted by person after person is hard to take, not something I can just push aside. I don't think I can do this. But I don't have a choice, I don't know which one is harder knowing I can't do this or knowing I don't have an option.
131 days
131 days.
God has been lifting my spirits. Though I am still tired and in pain, I have been feeling better. At least today, I can say I feel renewed. I have a deep appreciation for my husband and Ma who do everything for me. I am not 100% and I am trying to do as much as I can. I am glad that they are here to pick up the slack so to speak. I don't know what I would do without them. They make my life easier. I am trying to be a better person, mom, wife, etc. I am still learning what exactly that means. I don't write as often as I should but I am still fighting. Fighting to get better, be better, be not so tired and lonely. I am still brainwashing myself. Little by little I am getting there.
The Lord's Prayer
Our Father, who art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy Name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,
and the power,
and the glory,
for ever and ever.
Amen.
Today my spirits are in utter worry. I have been working all week and so exhausted mentally and physically. During NA my son unlocked the back door and ran outside where he almost got hit by a car and the person called child services! I am so in worry. This is and has always been my worst fear. Something happening that can get my kids taken away from me. Me being branded a BAD parent. To top it off he was only in a diaper at night in the rain. F U C K. My kids are the only thing that are keeping me going. If I lose them I don't know what I will do. I would be right back down at the bottom I can tell you that.
Our Father, who art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy Name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,
and the power,
and the glory,
for ever and ever.
Amen.
Today my spirits are in utter worry. I have been working all week and so exhausted mentally and physically. During NA my son unlocked the back door and ran outside where he almost got hit by a car and the person called child services! I am so in worry. This is and has always been my worst fear. Something happening that can get my kids taken away from me. Me being branded a BAD parent. To top it off he was only in a diaper at night in the rain. F U C K. My kids are the only thing that are keeping me going. If I lose them I don't know what I will do. I would be right back down at the bottom I can tell you that.
123 days
I am just so irritated today. I want to get out of this stupid house. I hate living in town and I am not in a good mood at all. Every bit of my marbles I am losing tonight. Everyone's attitudes and the yelling and my kids being unruly. It is frustrating. I can't find anything even after a month of being moved. ^.^ AHHHH
I am absolutely losing my mind! Grumpy husband who lost his job and nothing to do around here. I keep cleaning things but thats not exactly mind blowing. I am talking to my husband less then when he worked full time. I dont much like how things are right now. I wish things could be better. I am so happy to be going to work on monday! I am seriously either going to die of boredom or scream from all the emotions around here. Uh.
4 months
I feel like i have been cheating because i havent been faithful in writing these, I feel terrible that I have no been as dedicated as i should be to it. Things have been up and down but I am trying to remember that this is just the beginning. I am at my 4 month mark and it seems as if today it is just a number. I am not bound down by this number i should be further i should be better shoulda woulda coulda. I am still fighting and i think that is what matters to me. Everyday has been a fight even just to get out of bed and i do mean fight i go rounds with myself about whether or not to even leave my bedroom but i am trying. Everyday is a new day and today i tried. Thats all that matters.
I keep wondering when things will get better. When I will stop hurting or things seem brighter. I got an interview for a job today which I am half in and half out of being happy about. I had to such it up and help support my family. But I don't necessarily think I was ready to go back to work. I still feel like things are overflowing and my therapist says I have every right to feel that way. With our finances plummeting and me feeling like i don't belong in my new house, things are still just way too hectic.
I am so utterly exhausted from always being in pain and me breaking my foot yesterday doesn't help at all. I feel like all my husband and I do is fight, probably because it is the only communication or interaction we ever have. Part of my therapy homework is to be more honest (openly) and having to write my feelings down again. We will see how this goes.
I am so utterly exhausted from always being in pain and me breaking my foot yesterday doesn't help at all. I feel like all my husband and I do is fight, probably because it is the only communication or interaction we ever have. Part of my therapy homework is to be more honest (openly) and having to write my feelings down again. We will see how this goes.
113 days
I am so frustrated. I feel like I am living the same thing over and over again. I went through the period of my step dad being grumpy and frustrated because of his insecurities of not having a job and I went through my husband doing it once and now I am back there again. I feel like nothing in life is secure. Not even a job. We now have no more security. My bank has continued to be over and over again overdrawn and that was before my husband lost his job. I am so in disarray. We have no money, no prospects. Even I have been looking for a job which I am absolutely not supposed to be doing. Everyone seems to think I should be at 100% or happy about my life. I am not, I have nothing anymore. Everything that used to belong to me no longer does. Even my kids, the only one that attached to me is my son and that's just because I don't favor my daughter like everyone else does. I don't know anymore. I want to run away and never come back. That's honestly how I feel right now. Nothing is going even remotely right. We can't even get one income in this house. I don't know anymore. What is the point of life except for struggles. Nothing good ever comes.
I am trying to keep optimistic but things are just not going very well. My husband lost his job and he was out only income. I have been having the worst nightmares ever! I am trying so hard to be positive and just keep trying to convince myself that things can only get better and he will find something soon. I have been in so much pain today! I still have about three weeks until I find out what is going wrong with me. I guess I just have to keep trying to brainwash myself even though I dont feel very hopeful. :/
102 days
This week I am supposed to be analyzing my feelings and emotions and this is extremely hard for me. Today I have felt inferior, weak, painful, jealous, fearful, confused, sad, not good enough, frustrated, lost, and i'm sure more but right now those are all i can think of. I am having a really hard time with this move. It feels really foreign like I don't belong here. I feel like I am staying in a hotel, uncomfortable and definitely not like home! I feel really unwanted for some reason. Maybe it ties into not feeling at home or at peace but all of this is really hard for me. I have been doing more as a mom but it is hard because I cant even describe the level of pain I am in. I am really worried that they aren't just cysts this time. I am at 102 days and you what now more then ever I feel like suicide is just as much of an addiction as any drug is. I feel like I am trying to get sober. I want someone to make it better. Make me feel like I have a place in this world. I feel like no one needs me. I knew I shouldn't have listened to anyone when I was told to cut back on life. No I feel like even though I have been doing more that things will never be the same, I feel like my life will always be this way. Like I will always be second or third best at everything I do. I really feel like I have failed at being a wife, being a mom, being a person. I have no damn identity, no fucking feelings, i don't have anything anymore. I have no friends, no life, even when i'm being a mom i feel like i am never doing enough. I always feel like no one else thinks i am doing enough either and i don't know why i feel that way. I feel like I let everyone down, like i just didn't meet anyone's expectations. Like everyone is disappointed. I feel like maybe once somewhere in life someone could have bragged about me, how good i was at doing anything, how good of a mom i was, how good of a wife. What is there now? All there is is a stupid broken person. A stupid broken, piece of crap that never feels good enough. Why can't I just be happy again? Why isn't waking up good enough? Why isn't being a mom good enough? Why isn't me trying good enough??????!!!!!!!!!!!! I am trying my best. I am fighting. I am being a mom. Being a wife. Doing everything I used to love to do. Will I ever be good enough again? Will I ever be happy like I was? Will my life ever be like it used to be? I don't know when I started failing at everything. I used to be an amazing mom, an amazing wife, an amazing person. Yet everyone just thinks I am this broken, irritated bitch. Maybe I just feel like no one loves me. I used to be needed and loved. I feel abandoned. I'm starting to drown again. FUCK! I thought I was getting better. Honestly, that's why I stopped writing. FUCK.
101 days
I used to be religious about blogging because I feel that it is important to share my story. The truth is though, I haven't been honest in a lot of what I write. I leave pieces out. Pieces I feel uncomfortable with or are too afraid to put into writing. Things I am too ashamed to admit or things I just don't want to be judged for and in truth those are the things I want people to know, these chapters and pages are the important ones. I am going to try and be more honest with myself and be more religious about writing again. My motivation has been lacking as I have been in this slump. My therapist reiterated the importance of daily schedules and how I need to be on a schedule whether I feel like doing them or not. I need to be taking care of myself and I have no been doing them.
Damned
For the last 24 hours I have done full mommy mode and it is way too much way too fast! I honestly just want to punch a wall. I had both kids crying in sync for more then 2 hours with a migraine. It is hard not getting a break from your kids all at once when you were used to it. When you were used to one day of quiet and just you and your husband. We don't get that anymore. We don't get a period of time where we don't feel obligated.
I may not be taking care of them but even when I don't they are still around, I hear every scream, every yell, everything. To make it all harder I am in the house now which means I truly hear everything at full power. I feel really overwhelmed like someone chucked me in a shark tank. I don't mind doing more but doing this much all of a sudden in the last week even in the times I can't handle it is way more then I can do right now.
I feel like my head is spinning out of control. Too much change way too fast. Moving, not having therapy, cranky unhappy adjusting kids, mommy mode, full time school, trying to heal my marriage and everything else plopped down on my plate. I feel like thanksgiving dinner with way too many guests :((. I haven't even adjusted to my current life and now I am thrown back into a different one, it's different but at the same time the same thing I've been trying to change.
I feel like there is no happy medium. I love my kids with all my heart and when they are good it is one thing but I just don't have the patience for both of them being cranky or needy at the same time. I was fine up until about 4 when kids started none stop screaming. I feel like I don't know what to do, I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.
I may not be taking care of them but even when I don't they are still around, I hear every scream, every yell, everything. To make it all harder I am in the house now which means I truly hear everything at full power. I feel really overwhelmed like someone chucked me in a shark tank. I don't mind doing more but doing this much all of a sudden in the last week even in the times I can't handle it is way more then I can do right now.
I feel like my head is spinning out of control. Too much change way too fast. Moving, not having therapy, cranky unhappy adjusting kids, mommy mode, full time school, trying to heal my marriage and everything else plopped down on my plate. I feel like thanksgiving dinner with way too many guests :((. I haven't even adjusted to my current life and now I am thrown back into a different one, it's different but at the same time the same thing I've been trying to change.
I feel like there is no happy medium. I love my kids with all my heart and when they are good it is one thing but I just don't have the patience for both of them being cranky or needy at the same time. I was fine up until about 4 when kids started none stop screaming. I feel like I don't know what to do, I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.
Storm
So tonight will be day two of my new medication combination and so far other then feeling sick and really tired I feel better. A lot better then I have been. I was even able to feed my daughter and spend a few hours with her without getting frustrated or sad or upset at all. I hope this is the start of sunshine peeking through the storm!
My psychologist was really harsh on me today talking about how my mom
never loved me and I need to find something to fill my plan of suicide.
She said she doesn't expect my suicidal thoughts to go away but my plan
needs to be taken off the table and replaced with something else. A lot
to think about there considering I have no idea what to replace it with.
I probably wouldn't be so admit about having a full length plan if I
had something to turn to. </3
Fill me up
Today and yesterday have been absolutely awful! I am caught between this place where I can't vent or express my emotions. Everyone is so busy and occupied and feeling so many emotions themselves. I feel even more now then ever like I am slowly losing my husband. I keep trying to figure out why and how to make it better but it seems like the closer I try and get the further apart we drift. I tried to apply at my job again and they wouldn't even give me an interview. I am so torn up that I couldn't even get a chance. It really made me feel like not only am I not a good enough mom or wife but now the one thing I have never failed at, have always been needed at, doesn't even want to give me an opportunity to even try. One of my best friend's is in jail for a ridiculous thing and on top of that I found out he was on meth.
I sent my son away for the weekend but because my daughter is too young to go anywhere it doesn't make a difference and there is still no time for my husband and I. We want to get remarried and I haven't even had enough time with him to fill out a guest list. The last few days out of everything I have really needed someone here for me and that just can't happen. Time or society or whatever it is keeps someone, anyone from being there for me. All I have done in the last two days is cry. To top all of this off I am in such a bad place in my head that I don't get to get off any of my medication but I have to add to it 6 more pills a day. )):
I feel like I am always second best. I wish people would have left me alone when all I cared about was everyone else and I didn't need anything and I didn't know how to be selfish. Now I am just alone, with no one to vent to, no one to run to, no one who understands how broken down I am. Now I know what my emotions are and I DONT LIKE THEM. I feel like I will never get what I need like I don't matter anymore. Why can't I go back to when I didn't care that I didn't matter. When I didn't care that no one was there when I really needed someone. When I didn't care that everyone was so busy.
It's just hard having heavy burdens. When you feel like your just not good enough for anything. When your caught in a place where your surrounded by so many people with so many issues that you have to burst out for attention. I'm not the kind of person to want to burst out for attention so I just fade in the background. Moving has hit me past my last straw.
This is the second time I have had to move in three months and the last home I had here. I don't have family here and now the family that I have chosen to take on doesn't even have a home for me to run to. I feel like everything has been taken away from me. I know I should be grateful for what I have, and I am but I feel so empty. I keep reaching my hands out to God asking for him to fill my heart with anything, just something that will take even a little bit of this pain away. I have nothing to run to anymore. That was the last place I had to call home, the last place I always felt safe and this just doesn't feel right. This is how I felt when I was in the Crisis Center. Like its a fake plastering of a home that no one really feels conformable in. Somewhere you just make due.
I sent my son away for the weekend but because my daughter is too young to go anywhere it doesn't make a difference and there is still no time for my husband and I. We want to get remarried and I haven't even had enough time with him to fill out a guest list. The last few days out of everything I have really needed someone here for me and that just can't happen. Time or society or whatever it is keeps someone, anyone from being there for me. All I have done in the last two days is cry. To top all of this off I am in such a bad place in my head that I don't get to get off any of my medication but I have to add to it 6 more pills a day. )):
I feel like I am always second best. I wish people would have left me alone when all I cared about was everyone else and I didn't need anything and I didn't know how to be selfish. Now I am just alone, with no one to vent to, no one to run to, no one who understands how broken down I am. Now I know what my emotions are and I DONT LIKE THEM. I feel like I will never get what I need like I don't matter anymore. Why can't I go back to when I didn't care that I didn't matter. When I didn't care that no one was there when I really needed someone. When I didn't care that everyone was so busy.
It's just hard having heavy burdens. When you feel like your just not good enough for anything. When your caught in a place where your surrounded by so many people with so many issues that you have to burst out for attention. I'm not the kind of person to want to burst out for attention so I just fade in the background. Moving has hit me past my last straw.
This is the second time I have had to move in three months and the last home I had here. I don't have family here and now the family that I have chosen to take on doesn't even have a home for me to run to. I feel like everything has been taken away from me. I know I should be grateful for what I have, and I am but I feel so empty. I keep reaching my hands out to God asking for him to fill my heart with anything, just something that will take even a little bit of this pain away. I have nothing to run to anymore. That was the last place I had to call home, the last place I always felt safe and this just doesn't feel right. This is how I felt when I was in the Crisis Center. Like its a fake plastering of a home that no one really feels conformable in. Somewhere you just make due.
Mixed directions
I really don't know lately. I am more confused then ever! I feel like I have no guidance and no unconditional love. I need more help in this and getting therapy only twice a month just isn't enough. I need something consistent and not harsh. Something encouraging, motivating, and warm. I don't know anything anymore. I just feel like crying. Rolling in a ball and just letting life take me like its been wanting. I need answers, guidance, respect, understanding, something to hold on to. I feel like I have no one to rely on or turn to, no one to vent to. I feel like no one cares. We weren't put on this earth to walk our journeys alone. I don't know why I keep reaching out and having my hand smacked. Ive been trying, I've been reaching out, I've been trying to get time with people, making myself uncomfortable and overwhelmed and even when i am exhausted and don't feel good i go inside.
I feel like nothing will ever be the same, no one will ever be like they used to, act the way they did, none of my relationships will be like they were and I want them back!!! I want to be happy again and the more my relationship dynamics change the worse I feel. I feel like I am blamed for everything and I am not to blame for everyone's behaviors. I am not the one who causes every issue or every fight. I am still being blamed for things that people should have cared more about from the start. If people wouldn't have stopped caring I wouldn't have tried to kill myself. Everyone got so "busy" that they were blinded. I kept asking for help, asking for a break, asking for more love and attention and no one gave it everyone just argued and pointed fingers.
I need to have a voice and I just don't think that anyone cares to hear it. I have been silenced for a long time now with almost every relationship and friendship I have ever had. Everyone's opinions, feelings, needs have always come before mine. i have always had to be the one to bite my tongue but that never mattered because things were quiet and when they are quiet no one really cares who is keeping it that way.
I haven't slept in almost 4 days. Not a wink. I keep trying but my mind won't allow it. I keep doing things, trying to do more to help everyone else and its not enough everyone keeps cracking and breaking more and I just don't have the strength to old every crack. There is not one single person around me who isn't or hasn't broken or started to break. Even my husband is waring down. He wakes up goes to work, comes home takes care of the kids, maybe plays a video game, goes to bed and does it all over again. Everything is just a mindless routine.
I don't understand people. I don't understand why it is necessary to walk through life ruthless and mean. If people used a little more sensitivity in the way they handled the things they said and did the world would truly be a better place. I keep getting told I lost my fire and you know what I don't want it back. I don't want to be known for being rude like so many people are. I have changed so much and barely anyone wants to see it. Those who don't are only blinded because they see what they want to and not how much work I have been doing to get to where I am right now. I have been tripped at every corner and I will not be kicked down anymore. I have never defended myself and if I don't start caring about myself no one will care about me. Barely anyone does anymore. I have those few, those few that are weave in and out when they have time or patience enough to handle it but no one truly knows how I feel or what part they have played into what happened to me. It wasn't just my fault. I was just the one who finally decided to choose my own ending instead of having everyone choose for me. I still feel like choosing my ending. Everything is changing and a lot of it I haven't decided if any of it is good I just know the more change happens they further apart every person fades away from the whole that made up the happiness we all felt. Every single person is to blame for that not just me, not just solely one person. Every one of us.
It is all of our responsibilities to patch it up and decide if we are all supposed to unconditionally love each other but I have never walked away nor will I ever. I have been sitting in the circle waiting for everyone to come back. Maybe that's my problem, maybe the circle is gone. Maybe I am waiting for the hole in my heart to be filled. Maybe it will never be whole again. It used to be. A few months ago I was happy. I had everything I could ever dream of. A happy family, two beautiful kids, a big family who was always there no matter what that meant, healthy people, friends. Then one day everything changed. I changed, we all changed, and our circle became a defensive triangle. I want to break out of these lines of judgement. Everyone hates everyone else. There is so much war that peace cannot even be seen from a distance and the past can still be seen because while holding hands we all decided to stop walking and look forward. I honestly hate my life. I hate myself. I hate everything and my heart is torn in so many different directions that I feel like I am not sure if it can ever be in one piece again....
I hope I am wrong, I hope things mend, but right now everyone keeps looking in their own directions. Trying to just move forward instead of moving the line forward. We are all moving ahead but moving down different roads. We could be teaching each other, moving each other, helping and learning where the right path is to go. Where is safe and warm and happy but all of us have been lying. None of us know where that place is. We are all searching to find it. )):
I feel like nothing will ever be the same, no one will ever be like they used to, act the way they did, none of my relationships will be like they were and I want them back!!! I want to be happy again and the more my relationship dynamics change the worse I feel. I feel like I am blamed for everything and I am not to blame for everyone's behaviors. I am not the one who causes every issue or every fight. I am still being blamed for things that people should have cared more about from the start. If people wouldn't have stopped caring I wouldn't have tried to kill myself. Everyone got so "busy" that they were blinded. I kept asking for help, asking for a break, asking for more love and attention and no one gave it everyone just argued and pointed fingers.
I need to have a voice and I just don't think that anyone cares to hear it. I have been silenced for a long time now with almost every relationship and friendship I have ever had. Everyone's opinions, feelings, needs have always come before mine. i have always had to be the one to bite my tongue but that never mattered because things were quiet and when they are quiet no one really cares who is keeping it that way.
I haven't slept in almost 4 days. Not a wink. I keep trying but my mind won't allow it. I keep doing things, trying to do more to help everyone else and its not enough everyone keeps cracking and breaking more and I just don't have the strength to old every crack. There is not one single person around me who isn't or hasn't broken or started to break. Even my husband is waring down. He wakes up goes to work, comes home takes care of the kids, maybe plays a video game, goes to bed and does it all over again. Everything is just a mindless routine.
I don't understand people. I don't understand why it is necessary to walk through life ruthless and mean. If people used a little more sensitivity in the way they handled the things they said and did the world would truly be a better place. I keep getting told I lost my fire and you know what I don't want it back. I don't want to be known for being rude like so many people are. I have changed so much and barely anyone wants to see it. Those who don't are only blinded because they see what they want to and not how much work I have been doing to get to where I am right now. I have been tripped at every corner and I will not be kicked down anymore. I have never defended myself and if I don't start caring about myself no one will care about me. Barely anyone does anymore. I have those few, those few that are weave in and out when they have time or patience enough to handle it but no one truly knows how I feel or what part they have played into what happened to me. It wasn't just my fault. I was just the one who finally decided to choose my own ending instead of having everyone choose for me. I still feel like choosing my ending. Everything is changing and a lot of it I haven't decided if any of it is good I just know the more change happens they further apart every person fades away from the whole that made up the happiness we all felt. Every single person is to blame for that not just me, not just solely one person. Every one of us.
It is all of our responsibilities to patch it up and decide if we are all supposed to unconditionally love each other but I have never walked away nor will I ever. I have been sitting in the circle waiting for everyone to come back. Maybe that's my problem, maybe the circle is gone. Maybe I am waiting for the hole in my heart to be filled. Maybe it will never be whole again. It used to be. A few months ago I was happy. I had everything I could ever dream of. A happy family, two beautiful kids, a big family who was always there no matter what that meant, healthy people, friends. Then one day everything changed. I changed, we all changed, and our circle became a defensive triangle. I want to break out of these lines of judgement. Everyone hates everyone else. There is so much war that peace cannot even be seen from a distance and the past can still be seen because while holding hands we all decided to stop walking and look forward. I honestly hate my life. I hate myself. I hate everything and my heart is torn in so many different directions that I feel like I am not sure if it can ever be in one piece again....
I hope I am wrong, I hope things mend, but right now everyone keeps looking in their own directions. Trying to just move forward instead of moving the line forward. We are all moving ahead but moving down different roads. We could be teaching each other, moving each other, helping and learning where the right path is to go. Where is safe and warm and happy but all of us have been lying. None of us know where that place is. We are all searching to find it. )):
This house just aint a home
So I must say the evening turned into a better night, I got some time with my husband which made me feel better and he seems a little interested in my reality exercises which I like. I am still really emotional because we are moving and I feel like I am leaving the last home I know. The last place I had that was consistent. This place may be a broken down piece of crap but it was ours. For 3 years I called this house home. :(
Digging through these memories is going to kill me. This is the place all of us kids called home, the place where we run to when no one loved us or cared for us, the place we could rely on. It was home away from our broken home.
Digging through these memories is going to kill me. This is the place all of us kids called home, the place where we run to when no one loved us or cared for us, the place we could rely on. It was home away from our broken home.
5 days
I am so upset I can't even begin to describe it anymore. I am numb and I feel like I am slowly losing grip of my marriage. I feel like I am grasping that shirt at the end of my fingertips. People keep telling me its because I have kids and that's a BUNCH of bullshit! My son is getting close to being 3 years old and even when my daughter was a newborn I still got time with my husband. Im not doing well but I am getting really good at hiding it when i want to, I dont think thats a good time because i know if i do something again i want
confide in anyone. I confided last time because i thought i was too far gone. I still feel like I am. I feel like I am too far gone. Like i am still right there sitting on that bed alone staring out the door wishing and hoping for someone I know to sit beside me.
I dont feel good, i am ALWAYS half asleep because I never get to sleep. I keep doing more so people can do less so that someone, anyone can just be with me but it never works that way and people are around less now then they were before. I cant tell you the way i hurt. the way my heart feels everyday. the pain that tingles in my face and stabs my heart. the lump in my throat that feels like a knife. that sharp gasping of air that feels so painful. thats how i feel everyday.
I still feel abandoned. Even sitting in a room of people i feel like no ones there. i sit and listen about people lives and what is going on with them and it feels like time has stopped for me, like i will never get a second chance to get out of this. the pain hurts so bad sometimes i feel like cutting again just to get the pain in one area. to feel again. feel something other then that piercing in my chest, in my blood and veins. What if this is all me, what if there is nothing more i will ever get and everything i was ever ungrateful for will never be the same again? what if i am the one that will never change big enough for anyone to ever love me the way they used to?
I live in this world of memories by myself chancing things that aren't there and hoping for the way things used to be. When i was happy and free, full of love and feeling like nothing could ever stop me? When did everything change? When did the world decide that I just wasn't good enough? Why wont God just take me away? I get help, I take my meds, I eat when i remember, i remind those that i love them, i spend time when them when allowed, i do as much as my heart will let me but nothing is ever enough.
What do you do when you have no friends, your husband is slipping away, your family is far, and those who are close are more distant then ever and just dont understand your heart? What do you do when you just need love and encouragement, healing and someone to always be there. Unconditional love. My therapist says I am searching for something to fill this huge hole from being abandoned. I wish my family loved me. I wish I was enough. I wish for once someone could check on me or make sure im okay ask me how my day is. anything! i wish that more people could understand where i am at right now. I am so empty and i just feel like one person cant fill it but no one else is there. everyone has their own problems, their own kids, their own stresses and i cant be one more topping it off. god please fill this hole. i dont know how much longer i can hurt like this. pretending is making it worse.
confide in anyone. I confided last time because i thought i was too far gone. I still feel like I am. I feel like I am too far gone. Like i am still right there sitting on that bed alone staring out the door wishing and hoping for someone I know to sit beside me.
I dont feel good, i am ALWAYS half asleep because I never get to sleep. I keep doing more so people can do less so that someone, anyone can just be with me but it never works that way and people are around less now then they were before. I cant tell you the way i hurt. the way my heart feels everyday. the pain that tingles in my face and stabs my heart. the lump in my throat that feels like a knife. that sharp gasping of air that feels so painful. thats how i feel everyday.
I still feel abandoned. Even sitting in a room of people i feel like no ones there. i sit and listen about people lives and what is going on with them and it feels like time has stopped for me, like i will never get a second chance to get out of this. the pain hurts so bad sometimes i feel like cutting again just to get the pain in one area. to feel again. feel something other then that piercing in my chest, in my blood and veins. What if this is all me, what if there is nothing more i will ever get and everything i was ever ungrateful for will never be the same again? what if i am the one that will never change big enough for anyone to ever love me the way they used to?
I live in this world of memories by myself chancing things that aren't there and hoping for the way things used to be. When i was happy and free, full of love and feeling like nothing could ever stop me? When did everything change? When did the world decide that I just wasn't good enough? Why wont God just take me away? I get help, I take my meds, I eat when i remember, i remind those that i love them, i spend time when them when allowed, i do as much as my heart will let me but nothing is ever enough.
What do you do when you have no friends, your husband is slipping away, your family is far, and those who are close are more distant then ever and just dont understand your heart? What do you do when you just need love and encouragement, healing and someone to always be there. Unconditional love. My therapist says I am searching for something to fill this huge hole from being abandoned. I wish my family loved me. I wish I was enough. I wish for once someone could check on me or make sure im okay ask me how my day is. anything! i wish that more people could understand where i am at right now. I am so empty and i just feel like one person cant fill it but no one else is there. everyone has their own problems, their own kids, their own stresses and i cant be one more topping it off. god please fill this hole. i dont know how much longer i can hurt like this. pretending is making it worse.
86 days
I am so conflicted. I think I want to start helping with my kids again my I know my temper isn't good enough. I don't think I have it in my to rush back into life. I am so lost and I don't know what to do. I am so discouraged and let down and hurt and upset and so worried if I jump back in that things just will never change. I don't want to be stuck in that same rut where I do EVERYTHING. I can't do it all, I am not superwoman and even superwoman would get weak from full time school, full time mom of two kids, full time wife, full time accountant, etc.
I want to scream! I don't know what to do. All I know is what my therapist tells me is running through my head that I need to figure out if being a mom, having all these labels, being this superwoman is really what I want. Either ease back in, give this life up, or do something. Make a decision about what I really want. Problem is I don't know what I want. We talked about how people do the best they can and I know I always have but what if you feel like it is never good enough for those around you? Like everyone else feels you are never doing good enough or just enough period? I don't want to just run away from my whole life but I know that in no way do i want everything to be the same as it was! I am exhausted of doing it all and I don't think it's fair. Because even when I did it all everyone still told me I wasn't doing enough or good enough. No one ever appreciated all that I did.
I chose this life and this life makes me happy but attitudes don't. The lack of appreciation and dedication and honesty and thoughtfulness. That is what I don't like. My kids need me though and the longer I go on the less they learn. I want them to be taught not just watched and that is a Mom duty that no one can replace or fill. I don't want anyone else to be called mom or known as mom or have them feel like they have no mom at all. But I don't just want to jump in and do things and still be unhappy like I know I will be because it has never been my kids that make my unhappy. This week in therapy we talked about the weight of tasks and if I am being honest with myself it has never been my kids that weighed me down. But in order to go back to being a mom again I need help, encouragement, appreciation, love, reminders that I am doing good, it is a lot. I need someone to remind me why I am doing this on a constant basis.
My other problem is that I can't handle both of my kids at once all the time because they are different now. I don't know them anymore. I just need to keep reminding myself that I have always been a good mom. That has always been something I was good at. I want to be a mom again I just know I can't do it alone and I don't know how to not do too much to make me go over the deep end. My therapist is right I have a lot of thinking to do this week!!! And a lot of talking my decisions out.
I want to scream! I don't know what to do. All I know is what my therapist tells me is running through my head that I need to figure out if being a mom, having all these labels, being this superwoman is really what I want. Either ease back in, give this life up, or do something. Make a decision about what I really want. Problem is I don't know what I want. We talked about how people do the best they can and I know I always have but what if you feel like it is never good enough for those around you? Like everyone else feels you are never doing good enough or just enough period? I don't want to just run away from my whole life but I know that in no way do i want everything to be the same as it was! I am exhausted of doing it all and I don't think it's fair. Because even when I did it all everyone still told me I wasn't doing enough or good enough. No one ever appreciated all that I did.
I chose this life and this life makes me happy but attitudes don't. The lack of appreciation and dedication and honesty and thoughtfulness. That is what I don't like. My kids need me though and the longer I go on the less they learn. I want them to be taught not just watched and that is a Mom duty that no one can replace or fill. I don't want anyone else to be called mom or known as mom or have them feel like they have no mom at all. But I don't just want to jump in and do things and still be unhappy like I know I will be because it has never been my kids that make my unhappy. This week in therapy we talked about the weight of tasks and if I am being honest with myself it has never been my kids that weighed me down. But in order to go back to being a mom again I need help, encouragement, appreciation, love, reminders that I am doing good, it is a lot. I need someone to remind me why I am doing this on a constant basis.
My other problem is that I can't handle both of my kids at once all the time because they are different now. I don't know them anymore. I just need to keep reminding myself that I have always been a good mom. That has always been something I was good at. I want to be a mom again I just know I can't do it alone and I don't know how to not do too much to make me go over the deep end. My therapist is right I have a lot of thinking to do this week!!! And a lot of talking my decisions out.
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