Punished: The Girl Who Doesn't Believe in Coincidence

“There I was, cold, isolated and desperate for something I knew I couldn't have.
A solution. A remedy. Anything.

...I hated it. Alone and confused was the last place I wanted to be.
Somehow I knew I deserved this.” 
― Brian Krans, A Constant Suicide


Well after five very long years of battling one uterine issue after another we hit our last option. Five years, three specialists, two clinics, and soon to be two surgeries later I will no longer have my God given ability to have kids. I have been disassociating so bad, not really talking to anyone about it which I know is a "no-no" almost all of my closest friends do not even know yet. I am just not ready to face this. I feel so defeated. My doctor even cried, said she feels like she failed me because I am so young and we did not want this. But we have tried everything there is, every birth control, we did the procedure, tried different pills and hormones. And I feel like I dont have a right to be upset because I already have two kids and I feel like I deserve this. I deserve to never get all the experiences that I never did, that I will never get to. I will never get to have maternity pictures or a gender reveal, I will never get to decorate a nursery or get the opportunity to breastfeed, I will never get to have a baby in the good portion of my strong marriage which it was not before. But it is hard because i dont believe in coincidence which makes it harder because i also dont believe that god punishes us in these kinds of ways either but i believe in karma. Its the most confusing set of beliefs ever. I am just so conflicted and it has not fully hit me yet and I know when it does I am in big trouble. I have always wanted nothing more then to be a mom, have three or so kids, just try and grow as a mom watching my kids grow. I am very blessed to have had two children when they told me I would not be able to have any at all but that does not make this hurt any less. This makes me feel like I am less of a women or a person to not be able to do something that is a God given, normal function. Having that ripped away from you. To be told you can NEVER have another child. That is the most devastating thing to hear. That's all I can say atm.

Radical Acceptance

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 
the courage to change the things I can, 
and the wisdom to know the difference."



I had a gap in posting again with so much going on and my mind just not being in a remembering place. I've been in and out of the hospital, not feeling well at all. My body is shutting down and I've been having severe flare ups. They are saying instead of me having IBS that i have IBD so either crohnes disease or colitis. Didn't need another incurable, painful, chronic health problem and I am having a hard time keeping so positive about the situation. It's hard not to feel like why me, why do I always have so many problems, why do i try so hard to do such good things if all i get back is shit after shit. But i know its not okay to think that way and I just need to accept it so I don't get bitter. I am on bed rest and they want me on a clear liquid diet which obviously i cannot do or i will relapse on my eating disorder. My kids are visiting their Nana so i am supposed to follow through with my resting. It's hard when everyone is saying the same thing about me not deserving being so sick all the time. Life just isnt on a deserve basis and by me agreeing with them or feeling that way it doesnt change anything it only allows me to continue to hurt myself with what's going on. I guess that's all I can say right now.

This is war

A warning to the people,
The good and the evil,
This is war.

To the soldier, the civilian,
The martyr, the victim,
This is war.

It's the moment of truth, 
and the moment to lie,
The moment to live and the moment to die,
The moment to fight,
the moment to fight
To fight, to fight, to fight!

To the right, To the left
We will fight to the death!
To the edge of the earth
It's a brave new world
From the last to the first
To the right, To the left
We will fight to the death!
To the edge of the earth.

Another filler post. I need to get on myself about blogging on a more regular basis but here I am switching blogs and shifting posts again. Really tried to push to post on the original one but its not a possibility another. It is not a safe place and if I don't have a safe place I cant blog. I have had a lot of deception lately. Someone tried to call CPS on me. Someone close to our family. Really took me back but I've completely separated and disassociated from the situation completely. As if it never happened at all. I called that person, flipped out, talked it out so to speak, and it still affects me but it has turned into paranoia. Me trying to be perfect again. Every time I feel like I do not have to be perfect something huge and crucial happens that says, "NO, You go right back there and you fake your stuff, you kill yourself to try and be perfect. If you're not perfect you are nothing. You're not good enough. You'll never be good enough." Which of course makes my eating disorder battle a fucking million in a half times worse. I have really been forcing myself to eat, combating all the bullshit drama, all the emotions, all the health problems and just trying to remain busy and calm. Husband is on another fire as always and I am just trying to push through the next 2 months to make it through another season. Then we can go back to just full time work but him coming home. It is hard battling it all on my own and taking care of the kids on my own, dealing with all the bills, all the questions, all the apts, all the everything because i am the only one here to do it. Two days or so a month just isnt enough. But I appreciate the huge sacrifice we all give so other people can live and survive. He loves what he does and I stick behind that. With all the paranoia and disassociation I am a little bit hesitant that the schizophrenic diagnosis was ever wrong. Maybe it is true, I mean it is genetic and my mom does have it. It doesn't really need a label since I can't get any actual help anyways. I really think I need to be proud of myself for combating all of this alone without medication, without therapy, without support. I am not feeling well today so that's all i have for right now but hopefully I can stick with this. I need to do this.

I don't even know what to say at this moment. So much has gone on and I hate night time. All of my friends are abandoning me. The not people that I trust are kicking me when I'm down. I'm not sure how I am doing as well as I am. I can't even say that all day every day is terrible. I am just so sick of so much drama and lies and people being conniving and deceptive. I don't understand why people can't just be straight forward. I wish I was just talking about one person so I could vent and feel better but it's so many people that it is beyond overwhelming. But tomorrow is a new day and I am counting down days until I can have my husband home for those two days again. This fire season is really taking its tole on me. I never thought it would get harder as he's been there longer. I just need real rest and then I can bounce back with vengeance. I'm just so exhausted in every sense but where there is a will there is a way.

"Either the well was very deep, or she fell very slowly, for she had plenty of time as she went down to look about her, and to wonder what was going to happen next."


Down, down, down. Would the fall never come to an end? "I wonder how many miles I've fallen by this time?" she said aloud.


I guess I am taking the plunge back into blogging. I feel so exhausted about not being true to myself or this process of blogging my story. There are so many huge details and events that I have left out of my blog in order to shelter people from harm. But in reality that is not fair to me. I should not have to bottle up all of my emotions in order to shelter those people who do take the time to read this. but I must trust my instincts and the process. If I ever want to be better I have to allow myself to open up and if I cannot even do that on an anonymous blog then there is a giant problem with other people controlling my life. I apologize ahead of time if anyone gets offended by this process but it is my own reality, my own mind, and my own life and if I do not have a safe place to let out my emotions then I am digging my own grave so take your pick.



I feel very abandoned lately by a lot of people. I am so tired of living life alone, not having anyone to see or talk to in person, not having any positive energy in my life. The only people I ever see are my children and frankly no person can live off of that alone. My "family" and "friends" never check to see if I am okay or how I am doing with my husband never being home. How I am doing raising two kids on my own, one who of which is special needs.



The stress is kicking my ass, flaring my health problems, killing me by really affecting my insomnia. My kids have been not sleeping and sleeping in weird spurts. Its just a lot to handle on your own. My soul sister is the only one getting me through right now. That and music. But she is far away too. I text her every waking minute and music has been how I cope but I hope it will be enough. I have made so much progress in the last two years I would be so devastated to just plummet again. I finally got my eating disorder under control because i promised my soul sister I would focus on that right now. Eating healthy and not depriving myself. She makes me accountable and I have been doing that. She made a promise to me as well. We have really been holding each other above water even though sometimes, especially for her, it doesn't feel that way.



I fell like Alice falling down the rabbit hole. It's not dark and I am not afraid but I am curious and not sure of where I will end up next. I know the hole leads to somewhere but is it to the light or the dark? And then I have this huge fear right now of losing my soul sister. I went through losing someone to suicide and it still eats at me daily. She's the closest person I have ever had to letting someone in whole heartedly and I just cannot afford to lose that connection. She is the only person who has gotten me to open up this much and so naturally. She understands and accepts all the bad shit that I go through and actually understands it since she has been there and is there herself.



There is just so much going on through my brain. I am so good normally at moving forward with each day but in a way I feel like doing that has been unhealthy because I am just pushing things under the rug so to speak instead of really handling the issue and then moving forward. So now that I am alone and emotional everything surfaces and then I sit here like FUCK! I can't deal with all this shit on my own. It is like your entire past comes to kick you in the ass when you're already not doing your fullest potential. I guess that is all that I have for today. I am going to try and do this more often.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us."





I am really at battle with myself lately. Being indecisive about what I want, what I am doing, what i should be doing, if i am doing good enough, if i should even be blogging. I feel like I am not being true to myself in a lot of areas of my life. I am so tired of hiding all the time, worrying what everyone will think, worrying about being continuously judged all the time. Tired of trying to be perfect for everyone!

I have so much going on in my brain that it feels like my brain is spilling over. I try and talk things out verbally in hopes that I will brainstorm and a solution will appear but as each issue appears it piles up and becomes just one more thing. My secret used to be to tell myself that I am strong, I can do this, you've been through worse but that's not working. I don't feel like giving up I just feel useless. Idk I don't even think its that so much as helpless. I'm trying to work with one situation at a time but some don't have easy solutions or permenant ones. I'm just so confused and I need more people who I regularly talk to. Not having many friends typically doesn't bug me but sometimes it's hard not to want a consistent and unbiased support system. My family really doesn't even know half of it because they aren't unbias and they are so busy and consumed in their own worlds and minds. I will get through this. I am strong. I am independent. I am hopeful. I am true. I am brave. I am strong willed. I will get through this.

Blogging

I've been thinking a lot about this blogging stuff. I feel so conflicted and at war with this. I want to share my story, I always have but how much should you compromise in order to do so freely? To set aside being judged and criticised to just be honest with yourself?