Screaming Again

"Life s a beautiful melody, it's only the lyrics that are messed up."

I dont even know where to begin anymore. So much is going on and all I want to do is run as fast and as far as my will can get me from all the bullshit in life. Everyone around me is freaking out. No one is handling anything well and im barely holding together. Waiting a few weeks for a new therapist. Still sober, still self harm free and just straight bugging out. Hallucinations are at an all time high, urges suck, and I am at a constant battle to stay in this world. When I go back and forth it makes me worse because i feel like i die and come back, die and come back and each length of time differs.

Talked to my mom today about things from my childhood. Just so fucking lost, confused, scared, alone, cold, and exhausted. I just won a fight a year ago and im in a bigger battle. I thought the last one was my battle. I feel like i am completely failing at everything. Finally told my mom today that I was abused as a teenager. Almost 10 years later and I finally tell my mom. I hate that it makes it real. She thought it was someone else which leaves me questioning why I dont remember that age in my life. Is she right? Was there more? What the fuck is going on???!!!! Am I strong enough for all of this because Ive failed before and I really dont think God will save me again. I am completely doing everything I know how to in my power to get through all of this all at once. Its the most hectic thing that I have ever gone through in my life. My mental stability is crashing, my physical health, everyone around me. I cant hold anyone else up, I cant hold myself up, and yet im doing so much at once. I have no idea how any of this is happening or not happening or why God thinks that I am some how capable of doing everything. I dont know which way is up, which way is down, or where I am headed, all I know is that I constantly o back and forth from one place to another and he rocking motion is making me sick. I just want everything to stop crashing, everything to stop spinning and for the world to get quiet again but we all know what happened the last time the world was quiet for me. One silent moment in life. Just one and then everything fell again. Cant do that again. Cant have quiet. Have to learn to deal with the chaos, the noises of the battle. 

Tired of crying out to God for any amount of guidance or relief. Begging God to make it better, make me better. Make life something not even easier just not so fucked up. God Im screaming again, and I get the feeling you still cant hear me. :(