The crow and the butterfly

"Just like a crow chasing the butterfly
dandelions lost in the summer sky
When you and I were getting high as outer space,
I never thought you'd slip away
I guess I was just a little too late

Your words still serenade me,
Your lullabies won't let me sleep
I've never heard such a haunting melody.
Oh, it's killing me
You know I can barely breathe."



Things have been pretty unexplainable lately. Not in a bad way just different. I successfully had surgery #1, waiting for #2 on monday. As i get closer my mind gets more hectic, more racing, more insane. I can't really sort out my thoughts at this point, not much of it makes enough sense to. I keep secretly second guessing my decision to have consented on this surgery. I will be calm and then all of a sudden it will pop in my head, "What if I am making a mistake?", "What if I am over exaggerating and I am going to ruin my life over this?" But then i think no,i cant blame myself. A doctor wouldnt have chosen this being my dr for so many years out of a whim. We've done every test, every procedure, every hormone, every pill, every birth control combination. I pass by the baby sections of stores and I have to close my eyes and walk fast. How do you just get over something you see everywhere you go? I try so hard in life to not question the decisions God makes and the paths he brings me to. I really try my hardest to not say why me, why this, why now, why, why, why. I know that somewhere down the line I will understand and that I cannot question this but its so hard not to question the reasoning behind this. I always wanted to adopt so its not like its a forceful way to get me to do so, all I can think is that I am being punished but I know I cant think that way either. Its like a battle in my brain 24/7 of thinking something then trying to think of reasons why i shouldnt think that way then trying to force myself to not think at all. In 3 days my entire life is going to change.