Punished: The Girl Who Doesn't Believe in Coincidence

“There I was, cold, isolated and desperate for something I knew I couldn't have.
A solution. A remedy. Anything.

...I hated it. Alone and confused was the last place I wanted to be.
Somehow I knew I deserved this.” 
― Brian Krans, A Constant Suicide


Well after five very long years of battling one uterine issue after another we hit our last option. Five years, three specialists, two clinics, and soon to be two surgeries later I will no longer have my God given ability to have kids. I have been disassociating so bad, not really talking to anyone about it which I know is a "no-no" almost all of my closest friends do not even know yet. I am just not ready to face this. I feel so defeated. My doctor even cried, said she feels like she failed me because I am so young and we did not want this. But we have tried everything there is, every birth control, we did the procedure, tried different pills and hormones. And I feel like I dont have a right to be upset because I already have two kids and I feel like I deserve this. I deserve to never get all the experiences that I never did, that I will never get to. I will never get to have maternity pictures or a gender reveal, I will never get to decorate a nursery or get the opportunity to breastfeed, I will never get to have a baby in the good portion of my strong marriage which it was not before. But it is hard because i dont believe in coincidence which makes it harder because i also dont believe that god punishes us in these kinds of ways either but i believe in karma. Its the most confusing set of beliefs ever. I am just so conflicted and it has not fully hit me yet and I know when it does I am in big trouble. I have always wanted nothing more then to be a mom, have three or so kids, just try and grow as a mom watching my kids grow. I am very blessed to have had two children when they told me I would not be able to have any at all but that does not make this hurt any less. This makes me feel like I am less of a women or a person to not be able to do something that is a God given, normal function. Having that ripped away from you. To be told you can NEVER have another child. That is the most devastating thing to hear. That's all I can say atm.