"Either the well was very deep, or she fell very slowly, for she had plenty of time as she went down to look about her, and to wonder what was going to happen next."


Down, down, down. Would the fall never come to an end? "I wonder how many miles I've fallen by this time?" she said aloud.


I guess I am taking the plunge back into blogging. I feel so exhausted about not being true to myself or this process of blogging my story. There are so many huge details and events that I have left out of my blog in order to shelter people from harm. But in reality that is not fair to me. I should not have to bottle up all of my emotions in order to shelter those people who do take the time to read this. but I must trust my instincts and the process. If I ever want to be better I have to allow myself to open up and if I cannot even do that on an anonymous blog then there is a giant problem with other people controlling my life. I apologize ahead of time if anyone gets offended by this process but it is my own reality, my own mind, and my own life and if I do not have a safe place to let out my emotions then I am digging my own grave so take your pick.



I feel very abandoned lately by a lot of people. I am so tired of living life alone, not having anyone to see or talk to in person, not having any positive energy in my life. The only people I ever see are my children and frankly no person can live off of that alone. My "family" and "friends" never check to see if I am okay or how I am doing with my husband never being home. How I am doing raising two kids on my own, one who of which is special needs.



The stress is kicking my ass, flaring my health problems, killing me by really affecting my insomnia. My kids have been not sleeping and sleeping in weird spurts. Its just a lot to handle on your own. My soul sister is the only one getting me through right now. That and music. But she is far away too. I text her every waking minute and music has been how I cope but I hope it will be enough. I have made so much progress in the last two years I would be so devastated to just plummet again. I finally got my eating disorder under control because i promised my soul sister I would focus on that right now. Eating healthy and not depriving myself. She makes me accountable and I have been doing that. She made a promise to me as well. We have really been holding each other above water even though sometimes, especially for her, it doesn't feel that way.



I fell like Alice falling down the rabbit hole. It's not dark and I am not afraid but I am curious and not sure of where I will end up next. I know the hole leads to somewhere but is it to the light or the dark? And then I have this huge fear right now of losing my soul sister. I went through losing someone to suicide and it still eats at me daily. She's the closest person I have ever had to letting someone in whole heartedly and I just cannot afford to lose that connection. She is the only person who has gotten me to open up this much and so naturally. She understands and accepts all the bad shit that I go through and actually understands it since she has been there and is there herself.



There is just so much going on through my brain. I am so good normally at moving forward with each day but in a way I feel like doing that has been unhealthy because I am just pushing things under the rug so to speak instead of really handling the issue and then moving forward. So now that I am alone and emotional everything surfaces and then I sit here like FUCK! I can't deal with all this shit on my own. It is like your entire past comes to kick you in the ass when you're already not doing your fullest potential. I guess that is all that I have for today. I am going to try and do this more often.