Fear

“There are many who don't wish to sleep for fear of nightmares. Sadly, there are many who don't wish to wake for the same fear.”
― Richelle E. Goodrich

So, I went back a little bit since I only blogged because I was upset earlier and not really summing up last night and my whole day today. I must say it's quite a bitch when you don't know what sucks worse; your dreams while you're asleep or your reality when you're awake. I can't escape any of this at all between the two. Woke up frantically shaking this morning from having a dream last night that I mysteriously found out I was pregnant despite my surgery. Which I will clarify that if it ever even happens the baby will die or need to be aborted. Since I no longer have fallopian tubes the baby would be an ectopic pregnancy. These baby dreams are getting old. 

On a different note my mom called me today. I cried really hard because at what seemed to be the end of our conversation she decided to say that she knows even though I didn't say it that I am suffering. It was a very hard conversation to have. She also made me promise her that I would be okay which it's obvious that I am not okay right now, but I think she means not plummeting again. It was a hard conversation to have because normally we avoid talking about things like that. My mother and I are so much alike that we do things in such similar ways and have such similar health issues that I know she knows what I am going through and we handle things in such similar fashions. I was upset though because she stopped taking her medication so she could drink since she hasnt in almost a week. That was really upsetting to me. I told her that she's not allowed to die on me. 

Emotionally, I have been on a rollercoaster lately but because of my best friend who is really making sure that I actually handle what I am going through instead of just suppressing it like I always do, it's been so new and different of feelings. I am not sure how to even describe them. I've been trying to do a mood tracker and a gratitude journal everyday along with a worry box. I decided for my friend's death anniversary which is something that I normally also suppress; grieving, that this year I am going to write her a letter for her two year anniversary and tie it to a balloon to release. I'm still thinking of other ways to handle the other situations but one step at a time, one day at a time.