Nightmare

"Hush little baby don't say a word 

And never mind that noise you heard 
It's just the beast under your bed 
In your closet in your head."

Today was amazing but terrible at the same time. We had my friend's ultrasound today. It was so amazing and so adorable because the baby moved all around for us. Found out she is nine weeks and due in may. We have another ultasound in 4 weeks. That part of my day was awesome and exciting.. I feel so blessed to be a part of all of that with them and so thankful for them to allow me to be such a big part of their experience. 

Except then I took a nap and had a weird dream, the pain started getting worse and then little by little my emotions started getting worse. I think it's finally starting to hit me because I sat there trying to draw my best friend a picture for her wall and I had my bucket of craft stuff open. I went to grab a new colored marker and I saw the exacto knife sitting there. It's like time stopped and I saw myself grab it and cut open my incision but bigger. It was so awful and so terrible. I'm not sure why it even came to me but I couldn't get it out of my head. I shut the bucket and ran to the shower. Maybe it's because I feel like it's not real and seeing missing pieces makes it more real. I really don't know on that one, but it scared me. I see the incision, I feel the pain, I look at the incision on my arm of my missing birth control and it's the only reminder that this isnt all some crazy ass, fucked up nightmare. I keep thinking that maybe I will wake up and all of this will go away. I feel like I am living in a nightmare. An ugly, nasty, awful, terrible nightmare. It is bringing me to my miscarriage which I also never dealt with and the combination is overwhelming.