― Cormac McCarthy
Things have been so chaotic lately. It's hard to even wrap my head around everything. I feel like nothing is real, like nothing that has happened has actually happened. Like I am sitting in some fucked up, crazy dream that I can't wake up from. I know it's real, I now have two scars and pain to prove it but mentally I just can't accept it. I look down at this scar on my stomach, I touch it, and I get scared. There is no turning back from this and it's so hard having people not understand how this effects me. It's not like I had my youngest and said okay this is it, we don't want anymore, we sure of this, we'll do this. No, we wanted more, we were waiting for perfect timing, and then we were faced with this and its not like getting your tubes tied, they removed my fallopian tubes completely. I just, I'm so confused right now.
My husband has been helpful in the way of the kids but his attitude sucks and its really making things mentally for me a lot harder. I feel like we should be in this together, since we made this decision together and its me, handling it without him like I do everything else. I know its hard for him too but it actually happened to me. Whatever he is feeling, I am feeling to a higher extent because I was the one cut open and defeminized not him. He has been so moody and not understanding at all, he wants to fight and right now that's the last thing on the earth I truly wish to be doing is fighting with him. I already feel worthless being here, wanting a baby, but not being able to have one and then we fight and it makes me feel like I am less of a person. Like a terrible, broken, I dont even know. Just makes me feel like everyone who should be support for me isnt.
Then you have my mom, who has kidney stones and is on bed rest, completely drugged up, sick, and has been getting sicker over the last few months because she drinks all the time. Bad timing to find that out. I dont even know what to say anymore. I feel like I dont know anyone around me. My friends, my family, everyone whose ever made all these promises to me has never been able to keep them. It hurts. I feel like maybe I was never the stranger, maybe I just look around and dont know any of these people anymore.
On a side not, I have the deepest appreciation for my two best friends right now. Especially my person. I couldnt have survived these two surgeries without her. To feel like someones walking the path with you makes it seem less scary, less lonely, just less shitty. It's nice to know someone truly cares about how I am doing. My other friend is pregnant. She has been above and beyond to involved me whole heartedly since she found out when i found out about her surgery and her husband has gone so above and beyond as well. Her first ultrasound is tomorrow. Im excited. They also told me today that when the gender apt comes along I am the only one who is allowed to know until we do a gender reveal party. It's very exciting feeling like im getting to do some of the things I missed out on doing, and being so involved with her kids as well as her with mine and me with the baby. My friends are just amazing and I feel so blessed to have these friendships while I am going through this disaster.
In about a week or so I find out the results to my biopsies that were taken from my first surgery last week. I am nervous, we know i have pre cancerous cells but the biopsy will tell us my diagnosis. I am scared that I wont have one at all and that I will just be pushed back into this awful nasty cycle just like how my uterine problems started and obviously we all know how that ended up. Well I guess that's all for today. Just feels so unreal, everything, the good and bad. One day at a time i guess, it's all anyone can do.
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