A Soul Sinking in a Sea of Trouble

"She was the sweetest ever

Whatever happened to forever

She never say never, she rather say whatever

I'd rather stay together and she'd rather chase the devil

Now I'm left to race the rebel

Bartender make it several

Turn up the bass and treble

How 'bout I make it metal

I'm such a fatal fellow

and shes the reason why."

Stress consumes me. I can't feel my soul anymore. All i feel is dark and pain or overwhelming numb, honestly beyond numb almost like I am not capable of feeling at all. That feeling of where am I, how the fuck did i get here? I dont even know this place anymore, these people, these memories. Learning every aspect of your last six years was a brighter fantasy that you created in your head when everything was just as fucked up as you felt it was but convinced yourself it was your paranoia. Found out today that my miscarriage that I have been blaming myself for over the past 6 years wasnt my fault at all. Feel like the walls of my life are shaking, the walls of who I thought I was, the walls of everything I knew, I gave up everything for this. Look where that got me. Fuck this fantasy, I dont want it anymore. Caught between wanting to really wake up and wanting to just create another dream to keep this part of me going. Its conflicting and fucking sucks.  I know exactly what I want but sitting and staring at everything I dont want is trying.