Grief, the revealing

“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.”
― John Green

I think a lot of people probably wont understand the grieving process that I am going through and the loss that I feel I am going through but I think at this point it's not really for anyone else to understand and I am getting more comfortable in just doing what I feel is right to heal at the moment rather than spending all of my time focusing on whether or not I am doing it in the "right" way to everyone else's standards. Everyone grieves differently and this just happens to be the way I feel comfortable dealing with it. 

I bought my tub today. I decided to do a tub and not a box because I wanted it to be something more substantial than cardboard. I found the one that I wanted and decorated the lid how I wanted it. It's not done or perfect yet but I know that will come with time. I bought some things that I wanted to go in it, some things that are just baby stuff that I really liked that I spent a lot of time picking out and other things had meaning of things that I never got to do that I will never get to do now. I also decided that I am going to be gender specific in my grieving process and the things I got were for a girl. It just felt right and that's what I am going with, with how I feel and what feels right to express all of this and then secure it in a safe place (the box). I also decided today that during main holidays like Christmas I am going to find a special ornament or item to put in the box, then on the anniversary of my surgery and things like that, after I am done getting the main things together or just when I need to put something into the box. My husband and I also decided today that we will think of a name for the baby that we would have had, a girl, and put that in the box too. I told him that I am not ready for that yet. It seems so final and I just don't think that I am there yet. I think that will be one of the last things that I put in there. It's been really hard actually dealing with how I am feeling and not just ignoring it. It hurts and a lot of the time I just want to run away from it all and not deal with it but I know I can't just do that forever.