Wake me up inside

“Knowing that you're crazy doesn't make the crazy things stop happening.”
―Mark Vonnegut


So today marks 49 days for me, but today also marks another day that I really don't think I will ever forget. I had my first psychiatric appointment today. It was only supposed to be an hour long and I ended up in there for two in a half hours. What I thought was simply depersonalization (which in itself isn't good,) I was very wrong and I have a whole lot more wrong with me then I ever thought. It scares me because this break of irrationality and rationality was truly my worse fear. After a ton of talking about pretty much my whole freaking life story and taking test after test she informed me that I have severe clinical depression, paranoid schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder, clinical insomnia, severe PTSD, and trichotillomania. So I will break this down for those of you who do not fully understand each one of these things.

Severe clinical depression- is what I was previously diagnosed with and I have definitions of in my past blogs.




Paranoid schizophrenia- is the most common form of schizophrenia. With this type of schizophrenia, the primary symptoms are delusions or auditory hallucinations. People with paranoid schizophrenia usually do not have thought disorders, disorganized behavior, or affective flattening. People with this condition have grandiose delusions. For example, they may believe that others are deliberately:


Cheating them
Harassing them
Poisoning them
Spying upon them
Plotting against them or the people they care about.Auditory hallucinations can include hearing "voices" that may:


Comment on the person's behavior
Order him or her to do things
Warn of impending danger
Talk to each other (usually about the affected person).


Bi-polar disorder- is a condition in which people go back and forth between periods of a very good or irritable mood and depression. The "mood swings" between mania and depression can be very quick.
Symptoms


The manic phase may last from days to months. It can include the following symptoms:


Easily distracted
Little need for sleep
Poor judgment
Poor temper control
Reckless behavior and lack of self control
Binge eating, drinking, and/or drug use
Poor judgment
Sex with many partners (promiscuity)
Spending sprees
Very elevated mood
Excess activity (hyperactivity)
Increased energy
Racing thoughts
Talking a lot
Very high self-esteem (false beliefs about self or abilities)
Very involved in activities
Very upset (agitated or irritated)These symptoms of mania occur with bipolar disorder I. In people with bipolar disorder II, the symptoms of mania are similar but less intense. The depressed phase of both types of bipolar disorder includes the following symptoms:


Daily low mood or sadness
Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
Eating problems
Loss of appetite and weight loss
Overeating and weight gain
Fatigue or lack of energy
Feeling worthless, hopeless, or guilty
Loss of pleasure in activities once enjoyed
Loss of self-esteem
Thoughts of death and suicide
Trouble getting to sleep or sleeping too much
Pulling away from friends or activities that were once enjoyed. There is a high risk of suicide with bipolar disorder. Sometimes the two phases overlap. Manic and depressive symptoms may occur together or quickly one after the other in what is called a mixed state.


Clinical insomnia- insomnia is most often thought of as both a sign and a symptom that can accompany several sleep, medical, and psychiatric disorders, characterized by persistent difficulty falling asleep and/or staying asleep or sleep of poor quality. Insomnia is typically followed by functional impairment while awake. One definition of insomnia is difficulties initiating and/or maintaining sleep, or nonrestorative sleep, associated with impairments of daytime functioning or marked distress for more than 1 month." Insomnia can be grouped into primary and secondary, or comorbid, insomnia. Primary insomnia is a sleep disorder not attributable to a medical, psychiatric, or environmental cause. A complete diagnosis will differentiate between: insomnia as secondary to another condition, primary insomnia co-morbid with one or more conditions, or free-standing primary insomnia.


Severe PTSD: is also another thing I was previously diagnosed with and is something that I talk about often.


Trichotillomania-is hair loss from repeated urges to pull or twist the hair until it breaks off. Patients are unable to stop this behavior, even as their hair becomes thinner. Trichotillomania is a type of impulsive control disorder. Its causes are not clearly understood. It may affect as much as 4% of the population. Women are four times more likely to be affected than men. Symptoms usually begin before age 17. The hair may come out in round patches or across the scalp. The effect is an uneven appearance. The person may pluck other hairy areas, such as the eyebrows, eyelashes, or body hair. Most people with this disorder also have problems with: Feeling sad or depressed, Anxiety, or Poor self image.




So at this point I have to be on an anti-psychotic which mean that first I have to ween off of my current medications. I have to decrease my Welbutron in half tonight and then decrease it over the next five days. When I hit my fifth day I can get on my new medication which is an Atypical antipsychotic(Lurasidone also known as Latuda.) Once I start the Latuda then I need to get off of my Zoloft cold turkey. It is going to be a very emotional, very long few weeks for me.


As each day goes on my fine line between reality and fantasy gets so much worse. Usually my lapses are only twice maybe three times a day, lately it has been every couple of minutes. This is all very frightening for me and the more scared and anxious I get, the more my schizophrenia comes to haunt me. Almost every waking minute of my day I spend trying to rewind back memories of just the last few minutes to figure out if things are really happening or if my mind is playing tricks on me. This has always been my biggest fear...ending up just like my mom. The sad truth is that I am worse and being diagnosed with schizophrenia leaves room for the possibility that my kids will have it also. Your chances of getting this disorder are more likely if it is part of your genetics. I was afraid that I would have these things but I never thought I had them all. And yet in the back of my mind I always knew it. It has been lingering in me since I was little. I used to think I could read people's minds, that I could for-see the future, that I could control the wind, and that I had magical powers. These are things that I have never told anyone until today. I used to think I knew all of these foreign languages and I thought I could communicate with people who knew no English at all (which legitimately happened when I was in elementary school.)


I am having such a hard time processing this, I always felt trapped, bridged from reality, more paranoid then most people, jumpy, and so unable to control my anger and impulses. I felt like I did things and couldn't control it, like it was someone else doing it and I was just looking in, defenseless. I don't know much more of what to say right now. My whole life feels like one bad nightmare. Like I am never going to wake up. I was hoping that maybe I would have something that could just go away. These are life long disorders that I can minimize but will never go away. I guess my endless journey really is endless.