Vision is perception

“What you see determines how you interpret the world, which in turn influences what you expect of the world and how you expect the story of your life to unfold.”―Sheena Iyengar




My heart breaks a little bit each day watching my little sister slip away in the same way I have. This is what I feared. That another person would be negatively affected by my thought patterns. I know it is not something that I should claim, but I feel bad for not being able to save her. 24/7 She needs surveillance and she can't even be alone long enough for my Ma to take a nap. The only time she can be physically by herself is when she is sleeping. She is just a little girl and these demons that she has been fighting off are oh so big. I worry about her every second of every day. The things she says absolutely terrify me. The thing that scares me the most is that she is in a worse place then I am and I am in a pretty bad place right now.


I find that little by little everyday the concept of me being "sick" becomes a little easier. It doesn't make my battle any easier but it is at least making me feel like I am not the only one in the world like this. Like just maybe I have a chance at getting better and brighter. I'm not optimistic but who knows....this may be clinical but there are still people who function and live normally. I hope I can start functioning soon. At this moment in time it take me hours just to do one simple task. Even just writing these blogs take me literally hours to finish. I wish that someone had the time or mentally capacity to take care of me right now because I just can't seem to do it myself. I have never taken care of me. I have always been the caregiver not the caretaker.


Even my therapist said it the other day, sometimes in life you just have to believe that there is a higher power and just realize we have no control over anything. Everything happens for a reason. I am trying to brainwash myself of this. I know this. I love God. I need to get my faith back. My faith in myself, my faith in my family, my faith in God, my faith in life and the world. All I know is that I appreciate the people in my life who have stepped up and taken off some burdens and responsibilities. A friend reminded me yesterday of something I used to say all the time and that is. "it takes a village to raise a child." And this is 100% true, in every culture time and time again we see examples of this. At least I have someone or some people I should say. I dont really know, im in a teeter totter mood today.