So tonight was my first semi-normal Christmas since my overdose. It was extremely emotional but a lot better than last year. I spent the day with the kids and my husband's family. We even took our son to see The rise of the guardian, super cute movie. If you have kids I definitely recommend it! It was a day of reflection and how far I have come. Just reliving all the emotions that I have felt for this last year and even my whole life. With my mom being sick my whole life, her brain surgery, my sister running away from it all, my parents divorce, my rape, my suicide attempt, my marriage, my kids. Just thinking about where I was last year; my hallucinations, being wrongfully diagnosed schizophrenic the hair pulling which has been my one escalation since last year. Just my fear in general. Fear of everything, people, driving, my parenting, eating, life, just everything. It just all feels surreal.
The hair pulling is my one copping mechanism. It's a shitty one but I can't stop and honestly it's hard to even want to. If it weren't for the bald spots and the realization every morning when I clean up huge balls of hair off the floor it wouldn't bother me at all. I ever wonder if I will ever be normal but what the hell is that anyways. All I have learned from is people who have shitty ways of copping; drinking, drugs, porn. Yuck. At least self harm is only that; self harm. Not to say that it doesn't effect anyone else because I am sure it does but at least it's not impairing me or anyone else.
Lately my emotions have really taken a tole on my patience. I am not nearly as patient as I used to be with anyone. I get angry a lot faster than normal. Not like I am out of control I am just used to being so calm and always so patient. It is a weird change for me. I think it is because I am so tired and the holidays are always hard for me because I never get to see my family.
I don't know, looking back on my whole life and everything I have been through; it was nice to look in my kids eyes and just appreciate them. Appreciate the fact that I didn't die that day and I am still able to watch them grow up even if our separation at the moment is not ideal.
On a different note; my mom called me the other day trash talking my sister. That was a really hard experience for me. She was talking about how all she does is drink and do whatever drug she can get a hold of (like pills) and she is not a good mom and is never there for her son. It made me mad because as I told her none of us have been the perfect parents. My mom did drugs almost my whole life and between that and her mental and physical handicaps at the time it made parenting impossible for her. I just don't think anyone has the right to judge anyone elses situation at all. We weren't taught a good example of how to be good mom's let alone normal people. All of us have severe issues; my mom, my sister, my dad. We all do. I just didn't think it was fair. It was hypocritical. Then she begged me not to tell my sister because she doesn't want to start confrontation. Which puts me in a terrible position.
I am still working on identifying my emotions because most of the time I feel numb which I know is not true. It is just the only word I can ever think of but If I were numb I wouldn't feel anything at all. I still wonder if I will ever be happy again. Happy like I used to be before everything spun out of control. But sometimes I think I wasn't even happy then just blissfully unaware and naive. I am sure that is it because things sure as hell weren't perfect. I am trying to reconnect with God but it is hard for me. It is hard to have blind faith.
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