Just gone

“Dying was misery. Death was that period at the end of the sentence.”―Holly Hood




I don't know what to really say. i went to therapy today and was told that I have to do brain testing because my therapist thinks that my mental lapses are not just in my head, she thinks that I might truly have an 'organic' problem. I am really scared, I think I would rather be just straight crazy then have the possibility of something being mentally wrong with me. Talk about not being able to feel normal again.

I feel like I really don't know what to do. Am I never going to be normal? Do I have no chance at all at getting better? Will every relationship I have always be this shitty? I get nothing but mowed over because I never stand my ground, I never stand up for myself and I am always too scared to say what's on my mind. I am losing it and it is terrifying me. Will I seriously never be able to take care of myself?


I feel like I have no one. Everyone is so upset and so frustrated that I am stuck. I am caught in something that I will never be able to get away from. I have no true close friends, no family that is involved in my life, a husband that I live with but never see, never get time with, never even get to talk to because everyone is so busy picking up my slack. I am a piece of shit. I can't believe that this is where my life has taken me to. I am angry and bitter and pissed off. Why does my life always have to be one thing after another? I wish just once something, anything could come easy or just a little bit less difficult.


I had to fight to carry and keep both my kids, fight for both my kids to be healthy, fight to survive past childhood, fight to keep my nightmares away every single night of my life, fight to have people think that I am not completely fucking insane. I have had to fight my way through every single relationship, every friendship, every personal connection, I have had to fight to not be an addict, fight to stop being an alcoholic at 16, fight to never try drugs, fight to be a decent mom, a decent wife, a decent student, fight to be a good daughter, fight to never hurt anyone's feelings, fight to be a semi-decent person. And look where that has all gotten me. It has gotten me stuck in a fucking cement hole that's what!

What am I supposed to do from here?! Someone please tell me because I truly just don't know. I have failed at everything I have ever even attempted to do. I am the one that put myself in this fucked up place in life and I am the one that can't get me out. I am sitting here screaming my head off pounding on a sound proof blacked out window. I am losing this battle. A little more each day I am dying and I don't have much more in me that's alive.