Nowhere

“To be everywhere; is to be nowhere”―Seneca the Elder


Today is my second day on my pills, the first day without my anxiety medications. I felt like I had an okay day and then the second I got overwhelmed everything came crashing down like a ton of bricks on your foot when your barefoot in the snow. I feel like absolutely nothing I do is good enough. Before I did too much, now I do too little. I hide too much because "everyone is my enemy." I have this feeling that no matter how hard I do or do not try no one will ever get it. I am finally for the first time in my life doing what my therapist, psychiatrist, and doctor say and now I am selfish and avoiding. And you know what in a little way I am because honestly I can barely handle myself let alone everyone else. My head spins when I am with more then two people at a time and even then I get overwhelmed.


Everyone keeps saying its unhealthy for me to sit in my room even though I am not in here by myself and I do communicate with other people. Half the time I am too exhausted to even get up let alone have to put on this fake ass half ass attempt to act normal that way no one is ten feet straight up my ass. And even though my therapist says it is perfectly fine everyone else in the world seems to think that they have this deep understanding of what I am feeling inside. That is funny to me too because never out of anyone's mouth do I ever hear, "what is it that YOU need, what is it that YOU want." I just hear this isn't good for you, that's not healthy, why are you so upset, i do so much for you, no one appreciates me, I'm tired, I'm irritated, can you tell _____this, can you tell ______ that, remind me to do this, remind me of that, I don't get enough done, I can't concentrate, I don't get enough sleep, I get no me time, I never get to relax, you will learn to cope, why are you so unappreciative, you're a bad mom, your not a good enough wife, you never clean, the kids miss their mom, you ignore me, and the list goes on.


People don't get why my sister and I spend so much time together away from everyone else. It has nothing to do with avoidance. It truly doesn't and really it doesn't even have to do with anyone else's mood. It's a safe place for us. We can say what we want, act crazy, laugh at things that other people would find weird, talk about our hallucinations, and to us it seems normal. Like nothing is weird about any of it. It's comfort for us. To have time where there is absolutely no judgement at all, just love and understanding, no one getting upset or frustrated, mad or stressed out. We understand each other without words and that makes it a safe haven for us to be in. No words if we don't want, we sit and play games, talk, do or feel as we please and not feel like someone will say what do you need, what do you want, why are you upset, you need to calm down, do you need medication. There is a comforted silence and even when we speak it's understood which doesn't happen often for us. Everything just seems normal and it is....for us.


I hate when people tell me to be in a good mood or be positive, look at things through a good point of view and then they don't even make the same amount of effort to do it themselves. The sad thing about this is that it isn't just one person. It's EVERYONE. It makes me so irritated because that's all I ever do is tell people that I appreciate them, that I love them, that they mean everything to me and I couldn't be in this world without them. Honestly I can't even bitch right now, I am too tired. All I want is to finally be able to sleep to feel my husbands skin against me and to be perfectly blunt to make love to the person that I love most in this world. I need some rest before I can even think.