Day 49

 “An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.” ―Mahatma Gandhi

I feel like nothing is right with the world. I am only on day one of my weening process and I am already not doing very good. Last night my little sister expressed that she has no reason to wake up in the morning, she has no reason to continue on with all of this. The is 14 years old. What is wrong with the world that we can make kids feel like they have no reason to get up in the morning, like they have no meaning or purpose, no faith and no future plans or goals. She has never been married or pregnant, left the state, traveled, gone past the 9th grade, been to a prom, been engaged, lived on her own, gone to college, drove a car, got her permit, none of the things that go beyond 14. She has never had her first legal scratch-it or bought her first legal drink. She is always so medicated and so over the top emotional. 

As each day passes, my bridge with reality gets further and further away. My lapses are getting shorter and I am getting increasingly more paranoid by the minute. Everything seems unreal lately. On a brighter note, my son's ITP went away successfully on it's own. We only have to watch him for the next 6 months to make sure it doesn't come back. There is a 25-32 percent change it will come back. If it comes back it will be a life long disease. I am still waiting back to hear on my labs. I may have a vitamin d deficiency and they had to check my white blood cell count because Latuda is known for lowering your count. Which sucks for me because my immune system isn't very efficient as is. 

I feel bad for my husband who is now forever life sentenced into helping take care of me. It's not a role I am used to and finding all of this out made me very sad for him. I watched what all of this did to my dad. The way it broke him down and haunted him. The way it still does after all of these years and they haven't been together in 9 years. Almost half of my life. I keep playing back something the psychiatrist said to me yesterday. She asked how old I was, and she was a little blown away because the way I talked made it seems like 18 was so long ago. Three years, these three years have been long and to me they feel more like 10. She said I looked a lot older. Life has a way of doing that to you. 

Weening down off of my pills shocks my body, my head is pounding, my emotions are all kinds of foggy, and these hot and cold flashes are shitty. It feels like I was hit by a truck and being sick doesn't help with that. Every day feels like a year, and yet time escapes me. I can't wrap my head around everything. I wish my mind would stop playing tricks on me.