I really don't know lately. I am more confused then ever! I feel like I have no guidance and no unconditional love. I need more help in this and getting therapy only twice a month just isn't enough. I need something consistent and not harsh. Something encouraging, motivating, and warm. I don't know anything anymore. I just feel like crying. Rolling in a ball and just letting life take me like its been wanting. I need answers, guidance, respect, understanding, something to hold on to. I feel like I have no one to rely on or turn to, no one to vent to. I feel like no one cares. We weren't put on this earth to walk our journeys alone. I don't know why I keep reaching out and having my hand smacked. Ive been trying, I've been reaching out, I've been trying to get time with people, making myself uncomfortable and overwhelmed and even when i am exhausted and don't feel good i go inside.
I feel like nothing will ever be the same, no one will ever be like they used to, act the way they did, none of my relationships will be like they were and I want them back!!! I want to be happy again and the more my relationship dynamics change the worse I feel. I feel like I am blamed for everything and I am not to blame for everyone's behaviors. I am not the one who causes every issue or every fight. I am still being blamed for things that people should have cared more about from the start. If people wouldn't have stopped caring I wouldn't have tried to kill myself. Everyone got so "busy" that they were blinded. I kept asking for help, asking for a break, asking for more love and attention and no one gave it everyone just argued and pointed fingers.
I need to have a voice and I just don't think that anyone cares to hear it. I have been silenced for a long time now with almost every relationship and friendship I have ever had. Everyone's opinions, feelings, needs have always come before mine. i have always had to be the one to bite my tongue but that never mattered because things were quiet and when they are quiet no one really cares who is keeping it that way.
I haven't slept in almost 4 days. Not a wink. I keep trying but my mind won't allow it. I keep doing things, trying to do more to help everyone else and its not enough everyone keeps cracking and breaking more and I just don't have the strength to old every crack. There is not one single person around me who isn't or hasn't broken or started to break. Even my husband is waring down. He wakes up goes to work, comes home takes care of the kids, maybe plays a video game, goes to bed and does it all over again. Everything is just a mindless routine.
I don't understand people. I don't understand why it is necessary to walk through life ruthless and mean. If people used a little more sensitivity in the way they handled the things they said and did the world would truly be a better place. I keep getting told I lost my fire and you know what I don't want it back. I don't want to be known for being rude like so many people are. I have changed so much and barely anyone wants to see it. Those who don't are only blinded because they see what they want to and not how much work I have been doing to get to where I am right now. I have been tripped at every corner and I will not be kicked down anymore. I have never defended myself and if I don't start caring about myself no one will care about me. Barely anyone does anymore. I have those few, those few that are weave in and out when they have time or patience enough to handle it but no one truly knows how I feel or what part they have played into what happened to me. It wasn't just my fault. I was just the one who finally decided to choose my own ending instead of having everyone choose for me. I still feel like choosing my ending. Everything is changing and a lot of it I haven't decided if any of it is good I just know the more change happens they further apart every person fades away from the whole that made up the happiness we all felt. Every single person is to blame for that not just me, not just solely one person. Every one of us.
It is all of our responsibilities to patch it up and decide if we are all supposed to unconditionally love each other but I have never walked away nor will I ever. I have been sitting in the circle waiting for everyone to come back. Maybe that's my problem, maybe the circle is gone. Maybe I am waiting for the hole in my heart to be filled. Maybe it will never be whole again. It used to be. A few months ago I was happy. I had everything I could ever dream of. A happy family, two beautiful kids, a big family who was always there no matter what that meant, healthy people, friends. Then one day everything changed. I changed, we all changed, and our circle became a defensive triangle. I want to break out of these lines of judgement. Everyone hates everyone else. There is so much war that peace cannot even be seen from a distance and the past can still be seen because while holding hands we all decided to stop walking and look forward. I honestly hate my life. I hate myself. I hate everything and my heart is torn in so many different directions that I feel like I am not sure if it can ever be in one piece again....
I hope I am wrong, I hope things mend, but right now everyone keeps looking in their own directions. Trying to just move forward instead of moving the line forward. We are all moving ahead but moving down different roads. We could be teaching each other, moving each other, helping and learning where the right path is to go. Where is safe and warm and happy but all of us have been lying. None of us know where that place is. We are all searching to find it. )):
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