“It's all tied up with what's inside you. Head and heart, mind and
soul. Who you are and what you want-that's what fuels it. That's what
shapes it. ”~Lesley Livingston
I had a very emotional talk with my aunt today. It's weird how someone so uninvolved in your teenage/adult life can know you so utterly and completely well. I really don't know why but I just have no more spark, I have no more fight left within me. I truly have no hope that things will ever get better. Maybe it is just me, maybe this is just what I deserve. Like how people say you made your bed now you have to sleep in it. Maybe I am just not good enough for this stupid fantasy world that my head has created. I don't think anyone lives like that. I don't think it exists. I have never seen a truly happy person. I have seen people that claim to be happy but then complain about every step of their journey and ever person in their path.
I feel so empty. Everything is just wrong. I have no marriage anymore or at least it feels like i dont, i resent everyone and everything for getting all of his attention and me having none. I don't know what to do anymore, I can;t handle being around people because no one understands what I am going through and I just get yelled at but I can't handle feeling this empty all the time. I have no relationships anymore. I feel like everyone chooses things over me. Like I am just not good enough to be the one chosen. I just don't know, maybe my journey will just always be full of me being the one to compromise. But that's not much of a compromise, that's sacrifice. I am tired of everyone expecting change from me to better everything but when I expect change to better things, I just get yelled at and ignored, rejected, and left feeling more hopeless and unwanted then I did before.
I really think I am just not going to open my big mouth anymore. It brings me nothing but problems. I am not even allowed to comment on how things are done with my kids, everything I say and do is wrong or over-dramatic, or stupid, or just me and my illnesses. I fucking hate that! I am not allowed to have a relationship with my mom, I am too fucked up to have a relationship with my kids, my husband fucking hates me because of all of this and I told him that would happen! I have one friend who I barely talk to. None of my family cares enough about me or my kids to try and help us and the one person (not including my husband) is getting broken down because of me and my issues and having to take on all of my responsibilities because I have failed at doing it all myself.
I don't even know why I am attempting to fight anymore. I just can't keep doing this, I can barely take care of myself anymore. The only reason I even remember to take my pills or show is because I set alarms for everything and a reminder for everything like im fucking 90. I keep busting my ass, working on all of my flaws, all of my downfalls and nothing is getting better. Everything around me just keeps getting worse, harder to deal with. I feel like no one loves me anymore. Like everything that is haunting me opened it's mouth and swallowed everything that ever mattered to me. I feel like I don't have anything to live for. Like I have already fucked everything up and the more I try and make things better the worse they get, the worse I get.
Maybe I am just fucking crazy, maybe this is why I am so empty because I am just too much for anyone to handle. I know that's true. No one can handle me, it's why everyone just throws up their hands and walks away. I am sorry that I can't do enough right now, be good enough, be better. Be easier to handle or more manageable. WTF am I going to do if my brain test come back and say this will only get worse? Do I just dig myself in a fucking hole and hope someone buries me and my troubles like I want them to? I just don't know anymore. I don't know why I continue to fight a battle that I will never win. These are my consequences and I do nothing but hurt everyone around me. I'm tired of being the reason. The negative in everyone's life. I try and say how much I love every, how much I appreciate them, how much I wish they understood how much I thank them for doing the things that I just truly can't do right now. Maybe I just suck at all of this. I don't know anymore.
I spend half of my days exhausted to all shit because I just don't have the capacity for all of everything that happens on a daily basis and the other half of the day I spend wishing that I would just die in my sleep. Then no one could blame me for taking my own life, then no one would judge me or say I am selfish, or say I am just looking for a reason to give up. I don't know what to do. Maybe this is all just me and my crazy ass fantasy. Maybe this is all really just a dream and I am giving myself as much as I feel like I will ever deserve which is nothing at all. I wish someone could just write the answer down for me. I am tired of struggling, I am tired of always having to fight for everything. I am tired of watching everything drift away like I am stuck on an island and everyone is waving goodbye while I am screaming for someone to save me. Maybe this is all just in my head and one day I will finally wake up and realize that this was all a dream.
That I made all of this up and none of this is real. All I know is that I am a terrible person. I can't even take care of myself let alone my family anymore. I feel like a fucking fish on the shore gasping and fighting for a little bit of water in the middle of a damn heat wave. Only the strong survive and maybe I am just not one of them.
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