Fuck life

Another day ended on a shitty virtue. More shit I don't understand mixed in with more shit that will never change. I am so exhausted of everything. I hate how people sit and complain that I don't do anything with anyone and yet I don't get asked to do anything but sit in a different location. My husband went on a two hour walk by himself and didn't even tell me where he went. At 10 oclock at night and when I got upset because he didn't even invite me I got told well you never want to do anything. How would everyone know that? Today was the first time anyone has asked me to do anything and it's when I don't feels good but I would have sucked it up to go on a walk with my husband considering I live with him and don't even see him an hour a day. I feel like everything stole him from me. But it is no one's fault but my own. I got us here. I never see him, I never get time with him, and my illnesses have kept me from the little minute amount of time I would ever be able to get with him in the situation we are now in.


I hate my life. I truly do, I don't understand any of this. I will not say that there is a reason for all of this because that's bullshit and I don't think it's true. When I finally do what my counselor says and start expressing my feelings then I just get told why would anyone think to ask when I never want to do anything. That I twist things around to make them about me. Maybe if I started doing little things or felt like I was wanted to do them instead of guilt tripped into doing them then I would start wanting to be around people. All I feel is judged and when I can't even say I am just kind of upset that no one thought to let me know or just ask me I get chewed out. About how I think everyone treats me badly and they won't do anything for themselves anymore. This is why I am so scared to ever say anything to anyone.


Little by little everyday I die inside because I get no part of him at all. None. If I am allowed a piece I have to be inside with a bunch of other people, I can't just have a little private time with people to wean me back into life. This is why I never say anything at all. Where does it get me? No where. It gets me three steps back further then I was before. I just get told why would I ask when you always say no? Okay so give up on me. Everyone can give up on me but tell me I need to fight my ass off. Real fair. Fuck this. Fuck everything. I'm not fighting anymore.