“All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream.”
― Edgar Allan Poe
Yesterday I was watching Youtube and I saw a video diary about a girl with Depersonalization. As she was talking a brick hit my throat because all of what she said is what I talk about so often. Since I was a kid I have felt like a lot of the time I am looking in on my life and part of the reason I have always had trouble sleeping is because when I wake up, I can't tell if my dreams were really dreams or if they were just foggy memories. I have had to piece together instances in my life and memories of things that happened that I really just wasn't sure of. When I was little my mom used to think I was always lying about these really big things but they were things that I truly thought had happened. I wasn't just lying with the intent to get attention I truly didn't know the difference.
Most of the time it is like I am looking in from a window. It is strange to me because I know I completely obsess with every work or action because nothing truly seems real, it is like I have to convince myself of everything. There are times where I go to say something and then moments later I have to really try and process and rewind whether or not I said or did what I had been thinking about. All the time I have to look at an object more then once especially if I am just walking by at a glance. Sometimes I will look at one object more then five times in a row just to make sure I am actually seeing what I am seeing. These are things I always took for being paranoid, or schizophrenic, or hallucinating. These kinds of "foggy memories" as I call them, are what lead my doctor to believing I had Fear of impending doom. I don't think they were just paranoid delusions, I think they were much much more then that. These paranoid, in and out state of mind, always threw daydreams my way and I would have to figure out if i I was just hallucinating, making sure that I had not gotten hurt or banged up from your car rolling or if I was truly sitting looking out window and nothing is wrong at all.
So as we all know, yesterday I was talking about my new diagnosis that I received (MDD). Major depressive disorder; Its impact on functioning and well-being has been equated to that of chronic medical conditions such as diabetes. DSM-IV diagnoses of somatization disorder, borderline personality disorder and major depressive disorder, as well as all the dissociative disorders. It inquires about positive symptoms of schizophrenia, secondary features of dissociative identity disorder, extrasensory experiences, substance abuse and other items relevant to the dissociative disorders. I do not say tons of happy things in here but I will put that through out this endless journey, I have relieved some bad images I had of myself with me being 'sick.' I am glad to be learning that I am not in fact a whack job. This depersonalization has been a really huge chunk of my life and something that I was never able to figure it out. Finding out these names gives me correct labels. It's like someone is handing me another lost puzzle piece. I will be talking to my therapist more about this because it would be really nice if she could explain this to me better and what we can do for it. That would a miracle! I want to be able to hop off the acid train brain, this would tie up a huge part of my life that tie into so many different memories.
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