Day 45

“The most important thing is this: to sacrifice what you are now for what you can become tomorrow.”―Shannon L. Alder








I am not sure if anyone has seen a trend yet but it seems like my strongest and only strong days are Friday and half of Saturday. I wish that I could go see my therapist every day to keep me strong but maybe in time I will get there. When my little sister was in her appointment I had free time and decided to read a panel. Of course the one thing that truly grabbed my attention was something that I struggle with on a daily basis; co-dependency. I thought I would share the characteristics of co-dependency because for a very long time I wouldn't figure out why I thought the way I did on some subjects. It brought a little more clarity to my situation.






"Denial Patterns:




-Have difficulty identifying their feelings.




-Minimize, alter, or deny their feelings.




-Perceive themselves as being completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.




Low Self-Esteem Patterns:




-Have difficulty making decisions.




-Judge their thoughts, words, and actions harshly and never being good enough.




-Are embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.




-Are unable to ask others to meet their needs or wants.




-Value other people's approval of their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors over self-approval.




Compliance Patterns:




-Compromise their values and integrity to avoid rejection and other people's anger.




-Are very sensitive to other people's feelings and assume the same feelings.




-Are extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.




-Place a higher value on other people's opinions and feelings and are afraid to express differing view points or feelings.




-Put aside personal interests and hobbies to do what others want.




-Accept sex as a substitute for love.






Control Patterns:




-Believe most other people are incapable of caring for themselves or others.




-Attempt to convince others what they should think or feel.




-Become resentful when others refuse their offerings of help.




-Freely offer advice and guidance without being asked.




-Lavish gifts and favors on those they care about.




-Use sex to gain approval and acceptance.




-Have to be needed in order to have a relationship with others.








When I got into my therapy appointment, my therapist let me know that after a lot of discussion and thought, my diagnosis needed to be changed from dysthymic disorder to sever clinical depression or in other words Major depressive disorder (MDD) "Major depressive disorder is a disabling condition that adversely affects a person's family, work or school life, sleeping and eating habits, and general health. In the United States, around 3.4% of people with major depression commit suicide, and up to 60% of people who committed suicide had depression or another mood disorder. The course of the disorder varies widely, from one episode lasting weeks to a lifelong disorder with recurrent major depressive episodes. Depressed individuals have shorter life expectancies than those without depression, in part because of greater susceptibility to medical illnesses and suicide. Its impact on functioning and well-being has been equated to that of chronic medical conditions such as diabetes. A person having a major depressive episode usually exhibits a very low mood, which pervades all aspects of life, and an inability to experience pleasure in activities that were formerly enjoyed. Depressed people may be preoccupied with, or ruminate over, thoughts and feelings of worthlessness, inappropriate guilt or regret, helplessness, hopelessness, and self-hatred. In severe cases, depressed people may have symptoms of psychosis. These symptoms include delusions or, less commonly, hallucinations, usually unpleasant. Other symptoms of depression include poor concentration and memory (especially in those with melancholic or psychotic features), withdrawal from social situations and activities, reduced sex drive, and thoughts of death or suicide. Insomnia is common among the depressed. In the typical pattern, a person wakes very early and cannot get back to sleep, but insomnia can also include difficulty falling asleep. Insomnia affects at least 80% of depressed people. Hypersomnia, or oversleeping, can also happen, affecting 15% of depressed people. Appetite often decreases, with resulting weight loss, although increased appetite and weight gain occasionally occur. Family and friends may notice that the person's behavior is either agitated or lethargic."






"2am; where do I begin,
Crying off my face again.
The silent sound of loneliness
Wants to follow me to bed.


I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most.
I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well.


Dancing slowly in an empty room,
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby.
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again.


Too afraid to go inside
For the pain of one more loveless night.
But the loneliness will stay with me
And hold me til I fall asleep.


I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most.
I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well.


Dancing slowly in an empty room,
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby.
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again.


Broken pieces of
A barely breathing story
Where there once was love
Now there's only me and the lonely.


Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again."-Christina Perry




There have been a lot of different things that have been really hard to realize in this process of getting "well." In this process I have begun to figure out that my lost faith isn't only with God or myself but in those who surround me as well. I used to have a lot more faith and security in other people and I just don't know where those levels lie anymore. I wish I could say that there is one confidence I have in something or someone but I just really think I have lost that all together. In talking with my therapist I realized more extensively that my lack of knowledge of what I want and do not want or like and do not like are coming out more and more each day. In going on about my rant and trailing off as I often do in my sessions I realized a few things.
1. The majority of the problems that I talk about are not my problems at all but everyone else's around me.
2. That instead of searching for what is right for me or what would be healthy and beneficial for me in my current and in my future I have been just drowning in this pool and grabbing out for anything and anyone that I can possibly hold on to for an extensive period of time. For example how I still continue to try and reach out to those whom I know will not emotionally or physically support me in any or all situations.
3. That in my therapists little drawing and diagram about my connection to those who have issues that I have little or nothing to do with many of the people's problems around me and I have very few healthy people that surround my every day life.


I am not really sure where this all puts me but I know that the emptiness I feel is a much unwanted bitter cold. I am now aware that I cannot fix anyone around me but only choose to change myself and I need to start forcing people around me to either change with me and start taking responsibility for their parts in my downfall and continuation of down ward spirals. All of this is a lot easier said then done. I just know that I am so angry inside and so hurt by everything that has continued to go on on a regular basis. My therapist wants me to find my limitations and remember them. The only problem I see with that is the fact that I am just not willing to open my mouth because there are enough problems, fights, and emotions around me, I do not need a reason for there to be anymore. I really have to force myself to step back because my therapist is very right I am at a more dangerous place right now then I was when I tried to commit suicide. I have never cut before and however superficial it may be I know I am at a point where I don't even trust myself anymore. Even being self destructive as a kid and doing things I knew would hurt me just to release some fraction of the pain, I never in a million years thought that I ever had it in me to actually attempt suicide. The thing that scares me most is I know that I am a cracked piece of glass and the smallest nudge will set me to shatter. I know that if I attempt again I will not call on someone to help save me and I know to do it better the next time around, if there is a next time around.


I think the biggest reason I will not call out for help again is because I truly feel like if no one is saving me when I am drowning in this sea of emotion that it wont matter much if someone saves my body again. I am slowly but surely little by little dying inside everyday and the longer I go unsaved the longer I think that maybe I am just not going to get saved at all. My therapist is right I need nurturing but my biggest fear in that right now is that everyone is so utterly consumed in trying to grasp onto their own lives that when your reaching for someone else who is drowning along side you, you can't save each other. You can't save someone who is drowning when you are drowning yourself and in one way or another every person around me is drowning in some thing whether it be water, sand, mud, or suffocating from lack of will power, energy, and time. I wish that there was someone who didn't have so many big responsibilities to take care of right now because I really need someone in this someone to whole heartedly take care of me, motivate me, reassure me, and nurture me. That is the hardest part of realizing my mom will never change. I need someone right now and the person who should be filling that role for me right now is just not able to fill it.


My mom didn't always used to be this cold hearted insensitive person. She used to be my everything. She used to always put me at the top of her list even if it wasn't first priority. That may sound odd but at least I was at the very top. She used to love me and take care of me to the best of her abilities. She used to be my mom and my friend, my support and my world. She may have not been the best mom in the world but she was always a mom in one way or another and even when she had flaws and addictions and problems she always tried to shelter me from all of that. I think that is why my heart just aches so bad. Her and I used to have this connection, this known automatic instinct to just be there for each other no matter how bad things were or how upset we were with each other. She never gave up on me and I never gave up on her but I guess we have both given up on each other. I think it was comforting even when my mom was fully consumed in her own life and happiness, I was the only other person there that she was obligated to take care of. I don't have anyone that is obligated to take care of me anymore, I guess because I am an adult and a mom and a wife, but I am still a person and I still need love, and care, and a deep connection. Someone that just utterly opens their arms and doesn't get frustrated. Up until I got older did my mom ever get frustrated with me. I guess that is why I just feel like everyone has given up on me. I hate when people get frustrated and just throw up their hands and walk away because more often times then not when someone walks away and throws their hands up, after they have calmed down and come back, they never pick up where they left off or mend what has been broke. I wish this was one of those Fridays in which I was strong for at least a day but it's just not. There is way too much to sort out and figure out and process. There is just too much to carry and I am just weighed down.