“Failures are divided into two classes - those who thought and never did, and those who did and never thought.”―John Charles Salak
I am so tired of everyone blaming me for their own problems. It seems to be all my fault that everyone else is having issues right now. I don't understand why it has to be something that I am required to claim because either I don't appreciate people enough or I am inconsiderate because I am trying to separate from everyone else's drama to work on my own which is exactly what I am supposed to be doing right now. I am either too involved or too selfish and I am so tired of everyone's double standards. I don't flight my problems to everyone and everything when I am upset and yet I have to be the flight attendant to everyone else's. I wish for just once I could be allowed to do what I need to do. No one seems to think that I am intelligent enough to know what I need for myself right now.
Everyone seems to think that I am blinded to how they feel or how upset they are. Like everyone walking around freaking out all the time, yelling, and ignoring everyone else isn't a big enough indicator of everyone's emotions. Everyone keeps saying that they are doing the best that they can but no one ever even asks me whats wrong or how I feel. All I hear is no one asks me about my problems or no one cares what I am going through or how much I am doing. Everyone gets on my ass for sitting in my room but never once have I been asked why I do. It's because (A) I can't handle being around the 50 billion people that come over everyday, (B) I can't handle everyone else's erratic moods, and (C) I don't want to create anymore problems then there already are. People freak out about me not saying anything and keeping to myself, how the hell would people act if I start crying or flying off the chain because people are being absolutely rediculous?
Aside from all of that, I get very impatient with my kids and that's not fair to them, they already have enough emotional people around them and have been around enough yelling to last a lifetime. I am not going to put them through more. No one is ever going to be satisfied with how I am. The only way anyone is ever happy is if I do things exactly the way they think I should be. When I am a little bit happy then it's not normal, when I am sad I am too bi-polar or too emotional, when I am just level no one thinks I am doing okay. It's freaking annoying.
Truly no one has any idea what the hell I am going through because no one takes two minutes out of their day to ask. Or they choose to ask someone else and I don't tell ANYONE anything because I just don't even want to have to deal with the repercussions of being honest with anyone. No one can handle just assuming, they don't even want to know my whole hearted opinion. The only reason why I am angry is because everyone else can freak out, get pissed off, yell, scream, overreact, hide, lie, be a hypocrite, be judgmental, or be moody but the second that I do it's like this H U G E deal. I'd rather just shut up and keep it to myself. It's one less fight I have to go through during the day and for some reason everyone has been fighting about everything every single day. I don't get why people can't just love each other and stop assuming they know what each other is going through.
I don't care if you have tried to commit suicide before, or you hear voices, or you see things, or you can't remember whole hours or chunks of the day, that DOESN'T mean you know what I am going through. Every person's situation is different. Everyone keeps yelling about needing more appreciation but then no one wants to give any appreciation to anyone else around here. I am so exhausted, so stressed out, so sick over everything and none of that seems to matter. I just have to listen to why everyone else is pissed off, why everyone else is stressed out, why everyone else is tired, why everyone else has way too much on their plate. No one in this world is forced to do anything, we choose. I seriously just want to say fuck everything and just do it all myself again. This is why I did everything in the first place. I would rather exhaust myself to the point of no return then listen to people complain every single step of the way of helping me. It's not really helping anyone to complain about what your doing for them. I am tired of everyone making me feel bad. All of this is seriously the exact reason of why I always did it all.
I feel alone, I don't want to sit out here by myself being sad all the time. But I just can't handle everyone right now. I can't handle all the emotions and frustrations. Getting it second hand is overwhelming me enough. I can't go to ANYONE about my problems because I either get judged or told I am wrong or it's just not worth putting more on anyone else right now. I never sleep, when I do I have nightmares about everyone I am around. I am tired of being such a disappointment to everyone. Not doing good enough to please anyone. For the first time in a week or two I really feel like suicide would be an easier option then all of this. I haven't felt that way in at least a week and now I am right back there. I sit and look at this scar from cutting myself a few weeks ago and every time my eyes glance over it, I think about doing it again. I don't know what to do anymore. I either hurt every one I love or I hurt myself by doing every thing for every one.
This blog is the only place where I can freely express myself and half the time I am too scared to even do that. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't have anyone who will just listen to what I say, someone that doesn't feel obligated to just listen and not feel like they have to do something to fix it, someone who doesn't get upset by everything that comes out of my mouth. I don't even freely talk in therapy because I don't like talking shit or seeming ungrateful. I don't ever talk about my husband, my Ma, my kids, anyone that I am close to. I feel like everyone is backing me into a corner. Maybe I am just not good enough to be in open space or maybe there is just no such thing.I don't know anymore. My confidence is gone. I feel like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.
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