"Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they'd lock us up?"
All the time."—Wendy Mass
I truly feel like I am losing my mind, not just losing my mind but past that and turning into insanity. I ended up having to take a lorazepam last night because I had such a big panic attack. I lost my sleeping pills and I have NO idea where they went. I called the pharmacy this morning and I am not nuts when it comes to having those because I haven't gotten them refilled. My memory lapses are getting so bad and I am just sad disturbed sitting on the outside of this cold dark room looking in to myself and my life. It feels utterly out of control and I am so haunted by all of this that there truly are no words that could ever explain.
There is this girl staying with us who is coming down off of meth and I am very close to punching her in her face. I don't understand where people come off thinking that just because they walk in our house means that they have some kind of right to do or say what they please to my kids. I don't give a flying fuck who you are if ANYONE hits my kid their ass will be in jail and I will straight fuck someone up. I don't even let my husband spank my kids. My daughter has absolutely NEVER been hit or even tapped and my two year old son has been spanked all of twice his entire life. That parenting through fear thing is bullshit and my kids will not be raised that way. I don't know why these crazy ass people always end up around my kids. My kids have parents and not only parents but a grandma that helps take care of them because I just am not able to right now. But just because I am unable and someone else is stepping up for awhile does not in ANY way mean that everyone and their mom has entitlement to my kids and I will never in a million years continue to let my kids be influenced by people that assume they know what's right for them and beating them is not right for my kids....period.
In therapy today we talked about my believes as a parent. She said she was utterly blown away by how much thought and understanding I put into teaching my kids. I may not be around them 24/7 but when I am I always tell them to voice their feelings, not use poor examples of others and refrain from yelling and I have NEVER just blatantly screamed at my kids and just let that be that. Yes, I am not a perfect mom and I too have gotten impatient and inappropriately yelled but I have always gone back and explained my wrong doing in the situation. And seriously people I have only not been taking care of my kids every minute of every second that I had not at work for less then two months. Two months. Not two years, not their whole life, two damn months.
I did not learn one damn thing from my mom and all of her crazy ass yelling and my sister and I always said it was better being hit because the yelling was far worse. I don't agree with any of that fear stuff, part of my ptsd comes from being utterly afraid of my parents as a kid.
The reason why no one today has common sense is because no one ever teaches common sense. I don't want my son to be told that he can't do something and him not do it just out of fear. I want him to make the correct decision because it is not something you should do.
I am absolutely at my wits end with people and I will not be walked over anymore. My kids are not going to pay the price for someone else's anger and for someone who doesn't even know me or my kids to say that if someone didn't hit them they would is completely fucking INSANE! I will never lay down and let people abuse my children.
Last night I was not in a good place. I kept seeing things and it was really scaring me. These voices in my head are driving me crazy and they are trying to define me. No one seems to understand what I am going through and you know what that is fine. My therapist told me today that she is absolutely whole heartedly saddened by the way people talk to me. Especially relating to my suicide attempt. She said it absolutely breaks her heart to pieces that people can be so cruel. I am glad to see that there are some people in the world who also think that it is sad to hear the narrow mindedness of people who will never understand only because they don't want to. She said that I may be sick and I may be ill but I am the one out here trying, I am the one putting work in this, and I am the one improving. I may not be improving fast enough for someone else's standards but everyone else's standards can truly fuck off. She said just over the short period of time (the last two months) I have improved. I don't see that but I know that I fight myself everyday and I will absolutely not let people take fighting power away from me and make me feel like less of a person for being sick.
I may be insane, I may be fucking loony but truly I am a lot more clear headed then the majority of this damn population and at least I can say with all of my heart that I have always done my personal best. That is so much more then most people can say and you know what I would never sit there and judge someone else's illnesses. We are all fucking crazy in this world the only thing that varies from person to person is how aware of it you are.
My therapist says that she is trying to make it her mission to 'bully proof' me. I don't think that will work because there are just a countless amount of people always throwing stones at me. If one or two people throw stones at you, you only bruise. If five or ten throw stones at you, you are liable to be broken. For the first time, I heard someone say that I am broken. I am broken and I am fighting to pick up the pieces but if you continue to step on broken glass, your just going to grind it in. I don't know much more to say today, I am utterly exhausted and haven't gotten any real amount of sleep in more then 3 days. All of this is starting to break me down. This morning I woke up without a shirt on and when I asked my husband why he said he had taken it off of me. I don't remember any of this not one single little glimpse at all what so ever and I wasn't even on sleeping pills. I am really starting to get scared and watching myself fade away is making me slip further everyday. :/
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