86 days

I am so conflicted. I think I want to start helping with my kids again my I know my temper isn't good enough. I don't think I have it in my to rush back into life. I am so lost and I don't know what to do. I am so discouraged and let down and hurt and upset and so worried if I jump back in that things just will never change. I don't want to be stuck in that same rut where I do EVERYTHING. I can't do it all, I am not superwoman and even superwoman would get weak from full time school, full time mom of two kids, full time wife, full time accountant, etc.


I want to scream! I don't know what to do. All I know is what my therapist tells me is running through my head that I need to figure out if being a mom, having all these labels, being this superwoman is really what I want. Either ease back in, give this life up, or do something. Make a decision about what I really want. Problem is I don't know what I want. We talked about how people do the best they can and I know I always have but what if you feel like it is never good enough for those around you? Like everyone else feels you are never doing good enough or just enough period? I don't want to just run away from my whole life but I know that in no way do i want everything to be the same as it was! I am exhausted of doing it all and I don't think it's fair. Because even when I did it all everyone still told me I wasn't doing enough or good enough. No one ever appreciated all that I did.


I chose this life and this life makes me happy but attitudes don't. The lack of appreciation and dedication and honesty and thoughtfulness. That is what I don't like. My kids need me though and the longer I go on the less they learn. I want them to be taught not just watched and that is a Mom duty that no one can replace or fill. I don't want anyone else to be called mom or known as mom or have them feel like they have no mom at all. But I don't just want to jump in and do things and still be unhappy like I know I will be because it has never been my kids that make my unhappy. This week in therapy we talked about the weight of tasks and if I am being honest with myself it has never been my kids that weighed me down. But in order to go back to being a mom again I need help, encouragement, appreciation, love, reminders that I am doing good, it is a lot. I need someone to remind me why I am doing this on a constant basis.

My other problem is that I can't handle both of my kids at once all the time because they are different now. I don't know them anymore. I just need to keep reminding myself that I have always been a good mom. That has always been something I was good at. I want to be a mom again I just know I can't do it alone and I don't know how to not do too much to make me go over the deep end. My therapist is right I have a lot of thinking to do this week!!! And a lot of talking my decisions out.