A new safe place

I decided it was best to create a new blog. I figured out that a lot of my lack of posting was due to feeling like I was not able to fully express myself and get out what I need to. I need a safe place where I can say what I need and my husband agreed. I am so overwhelmed lately with school, the kids, and trying to keep my head on straight. I almost burnt our house down two days in a row from forgetting to turn the burner off while a pan was still on it. 

Yesterday I had to call poison control for my daughter because she decided to eat half of a tube of children's toothpaste. I felt like the most god awful mom. My son is in the process of being fully formally diagnosed with tourettes among other things. His primary doctor has decided that he is needing to go to the children's hospital this winter so that he can be diagnosed with all the other things going on with him. He is being so self aggressive and just blatantly disrespectful and acting out, though the last two days have been better. I have tried everything with him and nothing is working. We have tried only 2 hours of tv time a day which we are sticking with, an all organic, low sugar, low calorie healthy diet, exercise, spanking (which i hated and we arent doing at all anymore), getting down to his level and being very calm. 

They added a possible 4-6 hours more homework to my hardest class. I am just purely overwhelmed. The kids aren't sleeping well so obviously I am not and even when they do im still up around 4am-5am even with sleeping pills. I am fighting my doctors decision to not help remedicate me. My insurance company is going to try and force her to do her job basically. 

My pulling slowly decreased and got a ton better and then last night i pulled out my hair for hours. I am so irritable and cranky and just kinda done with people. My borderline personality disorder is defiantly kicking back in full swing because I just feel plain lonely and like I cant do anything right. I feel like if I confront people about what is bothering me that there will be a blow out and I just dont have time or energy for that. I helped create this group on facebook for people struggling in life, it has really given me a chance to use some of my schooling and have some more support. I also joined a bpd group so we will see if that helps a little having people who understand what it is like. 

For those of you who do not know what bps is:

Borderline personality disorder is a condition in which people have long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions, such as feelings about themselves and others. Persons with BPD are often uncertain about their identity. As a result, their interests and values can change rapidly. They also tend to view things in terms of extremes, such as either all good or all bad. Their views of other people can change quickly. A person who is looked up to one day may be looked down on the next day. These suddenly shifting feelings often lead to intense and unstable relationships.

Other symptoms of BPD include:

• Intense fear of being abandoned
• Cannot tolerate being alone
• Frequent feelings of emptiness and boredom
• Frequent displays of inappropriate anger
• Impulsiveness, such as with substance abuse or sexual relationships
• Repeated crises and acts of self-injury, such as wrist cutting or overdosing