150 days

I know I havent written in a long time. I felt like today was the perfect day because I feel like I am going to bust out of my seems. I have some opinions that need to get out before I burst but no one is ready to hear them.


I stopped writing in part because A) my writings have been so sporadic that I can imagine they are very hard to piece in what's missing and B) I feel like no one reads them anyways. I need to keep in mine that getting people to read was never my intention in the first place so I will try to fill in as many gaps as I can partially to get some things out and partially to deconfuse anyone who does read this.


During the last few months things have been just as hard as they usually are. We finally found a house to move in and I am having an incredibly hard time adjusting to my surroundings. In part because I am not used to living with other people and in part because nothing in this house is ours. It is hard looking around to nothing that feels familiar. I have been going to celebrate recovery and it's been about a month of me being sober. Sobriety has been hard for me but I have been making it (so far.)


I started on a new combination of vitamins and medications which for the most part have been helping. It is pure will that gets me through the day but I am taking it one day at a time with the help of God and His strengths. My husband lost his job of almost three years so things have been tight. I am not used to this kind of life and honestly have never even been close to being this broke. My debt has debt at this point in our life. I got a job very quickly working for a credit agency but my heart just couldn't do it. To be forced to see everything so black and white goes against everything I have been learning to change in my life since November. So I quit. We didn't have the means to do so and I regret not having the income but it went against every fiber of who I want to be and who I am fighting to become.


I have seen so much change in my life and who I am in these last 5 months and I am glad for all the growth I have been able to accomplish on my own. I never thought I could do it so independently but I did.


There has been a lot of drama and quarrel with people in our house and people outside of it. It almost feels like no one else is here for us but at times it feels like everyone is against us too. I know this is not true but feelings are feelings. I have learned to not judge anyone and to keep my mouth closed unless asked my opinion. This is really hard for me right now because there are some things in my life going on right now. But my mouth is closed.


My sister in law and I have gotten in a few blowouts because of disrespect and attitude and that is something that is still kind of wounded and fresh. She called me a bad mom and a bad wife and I lost it. I won't say much more about this because again it isn't my place. But it is something that hurt me deeply.


I recently had a drs appointment because of the tremendous amount of uterine pain that I was having. Turned out I had a uterine infection, my body rejected and pushed out my IUD and I had a cyst on my left ovary that had burst.


Things in my marriage have been very hard and we have hit a point of fighting to keep together. Most of our separation is due to the fact that we get no time together. Our lives are the kids and school (which we both do full time.) The other hump we are crossing is this separation I feel from everyone lately. I feel like I have no connection to anyone that I used to be close with.


Things with my mom have gotten a lot better. I am learning when to separate myself from drama with everyone and learn to place boundaries in where I feel they are needed. She is sorting her life out and has done a great job staying sober. I am very proud of her but there are things that in due time will need mending.


Overall I guess I can say my life has gotten better, but in truth that is a lie. My life is the same turn of events that it always has been, one bump in the road after another I am just learning how to fight to survive like I used to. I wouldn't say that I am "living", I still have a long road until I can say that, but in time I think I will get there. Suicide used to be an outlet for me, something I would run to when things got hard. I didn't want to live this life any longer but I am not God and that is not my choice to choose. I do not get to decide who lives and who dies.


Today during therapy I had my husband come for the first time. Things were very hard and emotional and we will see where it goes. My sessions have been about communication which is something our household desperately needs to learn so I figured what better session to be a part of. I think there were things said in there that hurt his feelings but I was being honest. The discussion stemmed from a packet that I did. We only got through part of the first question which was 'Who do I feel I have the hardest time communicating with?' My answer was my husband and my mother in law (Ma), which is very surprising because 6 months ago or even a year ago my answer would have been different. I had to explain why I felt that way. The answer for my husband was that I feel like nothing is ever important enough to be discussed and my Ma's was because I don't ever have time with her. If I am with her there is always someone else there and I can't be open like that and it seems silly to have to email or text her to talk.


I have gotten back in the swing with being a Mom and all my time has been spent with either one or both of my kids. It still gets overwhelming but I am trying to juggle life again. Overall, I am doing the best that I can and some people may not like that but no one is perfect so no one has the right to judge how much I am or am not doing. Contrary to people's believe I do not 'sit on my ass in my room while other people raise my kids' and when I am in my room my son sits right there with me watching cartoons which is usually only when he can't watch TV out in the living room. I used to think this story was about my journey as a mom, a wife, a daughter, a friend but it's not it's a journey about me. It's my road, my path, my journey. You can either accept me for who I am or find a place in someone else's book.