Ups and downs

I hate the ups and downs that come with having sever depression. Tomorrow makes 7 months and it is still a daily battle that no one will ever truly understand. I used to think that my mom never understood me but lately I feel like she may be the only one that understand and accepts the way things are for me right now. She is so accepting about the space I am in and making sure I am really okay. Through all of the things I have learned in therapy, it has really brought us so much closer. I feel an emptiness with her being so far away. She understands that 7 months is a short amount of time to try and balance so many things. Work, school, two kids, being a wife, just existing. The more I take one the more I become drowning again.


My newest battle is my son being almost three. He is so angry all the time and so hard to control. It makes everyday feel absolutely hopeless. He has broken three windows, a door, and a screen. His doctor thinks he has oppositional defiant disorder. Which would explain why he is so persistent in not listening and doing everything he can to demand and take control of every situation. Most people say well that sounds like every three year old but it's to such a different level. Nothing works with him; timeouts, spankings, yelling, being stern, being super nice. He has an evaluation on Monday so hopefully this will give us all some much needed help.


My cousin is an absolute bitch who said that we are doing Munchausen on my son. For those of you who don't know what that is, it is a form of child abuse where you make your kids sick to get attention. You do things like poison them so they appear to be sicker then they would be. I honestly can't believe anyone would ever have the nerve to say something so hurtful. I absolutely do not abuse my child in any way shape or form. I deleted that bitch off of my facebook. Anyone who is going to act like that doesn't have a right to know what is going on with my kids. Some people are just downright nasty!


To top this all off my fibromyalgia has been really flaring up and all the stress just doesn't help. We have no money and are so broke all the time. We can't even pay all of our bills. The biggest one being rent because its 800$. Our rent is due in 3 days and we have none of it at all. It is so stressful. I have a job but I haven't started working yet and even if I was it wouldn't be enough to pay rent anyways because I only get 12 hours a week. At least I will be doing something I love again-caregiving. The caregiving is going to be bad for my fibromyalgia but good for my sanity. It will be nice to get out of the house for a few hours. My hair pulling has gotten terrible! I have giant bald spots now. I feel like my anxiety is low but obviously not because my hair pulling is still just as bad as it was 7 months ago.

I am feeling so alone again. I am around people all day every day but it is just not enough. I have always felt like no one understands me. People just assume but they don't even try and the one person that naturally understands because she has been there lives in a different state. I always thought being like my mom was a bad thing, like a curse or something. In some ways of course I would never wish to have so much wrong with me, but since I already do it is nice to know that someone out there understands what it's like. Not every with regular depression can say they know. Not unless you have been down to the lowest point. The point of no return, where you give up and take your life in your own hands. Only then can you even act like it may be a possibility that you get where I am coming from. Maybe one day someone else will understand what it's like to be trapped in this space. But part of me wishes that no one will ever have to be here where I am to find out.