I am very upset today. In no way am I against spanking but I have never parented through fear nor do I think it is appropriate. I wouldn't hit a person every time they don't listen to me so I obviously wouldn't do it to my kids. That really truly breaks my heart. I am very conflicted now and I am not sure what to do. This was not at all what I needed today. I don't harp on people that believe in spanking their kids and I am not an 'anti-spanking' person, it is just not something that I think is needed and unless my kid runs in the middle of the road or is about to do something that is absolutely dangerous then it is not something that I use.
I am extremely upset in the fact that people keep on telling me that the reason why I am not informed of anything is because I can't handle anything and that no one knows what they can and can't say to or around me. I don't know anything anymore. I feel useless. Like I can't do anything right. When will I be enough for people to think that a fly landing on me will not shatter me to pieces?
It is much easier knowing the truth then finding it out later and being upset about people keeping it from you because they think your weak. I feel like I have no power in anything, no say in anything, no understanding of anything. It doesn't bother me that I don't get told everything it is just the fact that no one is getting told anything.
No one communicates about anything unless they are so bottled up that they freak out and lash out on everyone around them. People keep telling me that I need to just not let things affect me so much but how am I supposed to do that when everyone around me isn't happy either. Everyone spends their life just like I do, barely making it through to each day being so full of responsibilities and misunderstandings and getting less then they need and want that they spill over and walk around life being sad and frustrated and overwhelmed and confused.
I am no different from anyone else around me. The only difference is that I am honest about it. I can't keep walking life pretending to be something I am not or feel something that I am not feeling. I can't keep pretending that there is enough in this life to make me motivated to continue on with it. I don't just want to live my whole life coping and not living. Everyone just copes. I want to be happy, I want to live, I want to feel free and not be judged for everything I do or say. I want to feel loved and needed. Like me living has a true purpose and I am not the only one fighting for me to live and not cope.
I feel like I am always alone. My husband spends every waking moment either working or taking care of the kids and I know that is a noble and good thing but sometimes I feel like I am not even married. I feel like I don't have anyone because everyone is always so busy "taking shifts" or so stressed out they can't handle me on top of everything else. Everyone attributes everything to appreciation and being thankful. I am thankful for the people I have in my life, I am thankful for having beautiful kids, for the things I have been allowed to have. But in this world of millions of people it is just so heart breaking to know that only a few people actually support you and do not give you conditions on the amount of love they give or how much help they give you.
I don't understand why in the hell people are always so stupid. When you are family you are family, period. When your mad at family you suck it up, work it out, and move on. Love is still love and now everywhere you look family is just not family anymore. Love has no real meaning and truth is a big fat lie. I don't know where I stand, where my road leads, where my journey ends, or who is walking with me. I told my little sister today that I feel like the special needs kid on the playground that wears the helmet and has no friends, the one that people taunt and tease. The one that watches the whole world pass um by. It's like I am going in slow motion and everyone else is on fast forward. I don't know where I belong. Little by little I am dying, my soul, my health, my abilities, my capabilities in functioning. I haven't eaten in more then two days. I rarely ever sleep and the loneliness in my heart is aching. I want my life back. I want everyone's happiness back. And most of all I want to change me being to one that destroyed everything I loved and cared about. So I guess I will end my blog today with something that I wrote.
I feel like days just fade away,
This isn’t a story, it isn’t a play,
I’m the one with this front row seat,
To the same old story that just repeats,
My mind’s all shattered, bruised, and broken,
I don’t get why you think I’m joking,
Love is pain but pain’s what lasts,
No medication can erase my past,
There’s this evil inside of me,
Screaming, calling, judging me,
Exposing all of my mistakes,
They tell me I don’t have what it takes,
I shake them off and try and run,
These demons think this game is fun,
I am tearing, hurting, crying out,
Is this what life is all about,
Tell me lies and always hate me,
What do I do when they start to change me,
I’m bleeding, fading, almost gone,
Pouring out into the dawn,
Slit my throat so you can see,
All these things are haunting me,
Black my eyes and erase this cut out,
Leave me twirling in my self-doubt,
My heart starts drowning, don’t catch to release,
You need to know that you’ve stolen a piece,
Its high tide now and waves are crashing,
All my hopes, my dreams are smashing,
I swallow these down and breathe my last breath,
Hoping that my soul will last,
Forever shamed by my afflictions,
The devil wraps me up like an addiction.
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