70 days

I feel like somewhere along the line in selling my soul for my suicide I sold my marriage. I wish so badly I could be close to my husband again. That I could have time with him like I used to. Even just a few hours of stupid non-sense would be wonderful. I would settle for watching him play video games at this point. I miss him. I miss having a partner and a best friend, someone to run to when I feel like I am alone.


My therapist asked me today if I thought some of our problems are stemming from no longer having time together and I said absolutely. We don't have time to work anything out. My husband barely comes in at 10pm and by the time he does he is so exhausted and cranky and just wants to sleep. Which no shit at 10 that's all I want to do too. I haven't slept in 3 days.


I am frustrated between my sister and the stupid ass comments my mom makes. I feel like I don't have anyone unbiased anymore. My mom used to be that person and now I don't have that anymore. I don't really know what to do anymore. Where to turn or who to turn too. It seems like everyone is just too busy or have WAY too much of their own shit going on.


There were a lot of things we talked about in therapy today. We talked about my rape, my sex life, my marriage, my relationships, my faith and religion, my husband's porn problem, my family, pretty much everything and a lot of things I never talked about before. She said she can't believe that anyone can have such huge life events happen every week. She said she isn't even going to challenge my thinking because I am in a stronger place this week even though realistically there is no one in the world that can deal with everything that gets thrown at me.

I just can't do anymore. I feel really unappreciated. I still do a lot maybe not physically but mentally I surely do. I still listen to everyone vent about their problems with themselves and my kids and how much they do and how tired they are. I have a stupid sinus infection now. I'm pissed I don't need to be anymore sick then I already am. I really wish that I could have my husband I need him right now but that is what you give away when you have kids and are unable to take care of them. I am really upset.