days

I hate starting off my day this way. It's funny that no one is ever allowed to do anything. I keep getting accused of running away from my problems and yet no one even knows what my current problems are. No one knows about what I have been through this week, about what my mom has said to me, about what email I got, about me being yelled at again by my sister, no one knows what I talk about in therapy and how now I have to decide whether or not to turn in my ex because the three years we were together it was never illegal. No one knows that I isolate only because I can't handle the yelling all the time. No one knows that my ex needs to be called in for child abuse as well.


My kids yell, my family yells, everyone yells. I HATE YELLING! Yelling is a trigger for me and me sitting in my room has absolutely nothing to do with my feeling of loneliness. I feel alone because my husband is more of a husband to everyone else then me. When I asked him to go out with me, to go to lunch with me, to do anything with me, he forgot because he is so engrossed in giving other people breaks from the kids-which they need. I keep saying I want to be moved so even in my bedroom I can be around people. I WANT TO BE IN THE HOUSE. I say this over and over but no one seems to get that. I barely live with my husband anymore. I see him strictly to go to bed and before I got every minute outside of work with him.


Of course that makes me sad when 90% of my issues come from problems in my family or my marriage. I am tired of never being able to be the one to make mistakes if I do no one ever gets over it. No one knows that I have barely been able to even get dressed because I had to go so into detail about my rape which went on for 2 years! 2 years I was raped over and over and over again. I can't look in a mirror I can't have sex with the lights on, I can't even look at any part of my body. Do you know what it is like to tell your therapist you couldn't tell anyone about your rape because your mom would have said I told you so? When people yell I get flash backs of my mom. I could wake up every day do my mom routine and go to bed but that wont give me a reason to wake up that would force me to wake up not give me a reason and I would do the same thing I did when I did watch them all the time. Watch them and then run as soon as I get the chance because I am so frustrated. I am not around my kids more then I can handle because I am not going to be one more person to take my problems out on them. They get backlash and I am not doing that to them. They don't need to be around me like this unless no one else is willing to help for a while and step it up for them. They need someone healthy and maybe none of us are healthy enough for them. My husband is the only one not in therapy but he has to work.


I know this will end one day but I guess from what everyone keep saying either my husband isnt competent enough to take care of the kids or just refuses which I know isnt true he may be spacie but he isnt a bad dad at all. I don't understand why no one seems to feel appreciated when all I do everyday is defend and appreciate them and make sure those words come out of my mouth. It makes me sad that no one thinks he is able to take care of the kids when he is home or able to even go grocery shopping. No one has faith anymore and he is just not used to doing this by himself when he already works almost 10 hours a day. It's alot for one person especially when he has always had my help and all of this is hard on him. I truly love him he is an amazing man who tries so hard to take care of every one of us.

No one even cares let alone knows that I have had almost two weeks of no suicidal thoughts until last night and one other night last week because that's no enough progress for anyone if I am not mom 24/7. And those two weeks came from spending time with my sister. Which is funny because I keep asking for time with people but it's all or nothing if I am not in the house all day around everyone then I can't be around anyone. Why isnt me weening back into life good enough I have to jump in or I am not fighting. And anyone who even thinks I am not fighting needs to think again because with everything going on I havent even tried to kill myself again and oh boy could I have tried. It was ME who kept me from trying again because I want to life. The same people that forced me to step back are now saying that I should jump in. Jumping into high tide will make you drown and I don't want to drown.


Anyone who reads this, I would appreciate some prayer. Our family really needs it.