Fill me up

Today and yesterday have been absolutely awful! I am caught between this place where I can't vent or express my emotions. Everyone is so busy and occupied and feeling so many emotions themselves. I feel even more now then ever like I am slowly losing my husband. I keep trying to figure out why and how to make it better but it seems like the closer I try and get the further apart we drift. I tried to apply at my job again and they wouldn't even give me an interview. I am so torn up that I couldn't even get a chance. It really made me feel like not only am I not a good enough mom or wife but now the one thing I have never failed at, have always been needed at, doesn't even want to give me an opportunity to even try. One of my best friend's is in jail for a ridiculous thing and on top of that I found out he was on meth.


I sent my son away for the weekend but because my daughter is too young to go anywhere it doesn't make a difference and there is still no time for my husband and I. We want to get remarried and I haven't even had enough time with him to fill out a guest list. The last few days out of everything I have really needed someone here for me and that just can't happen. Time or society or whatever it is keeps someone, anyone from being there for me. All I have done in the last two days is cry. To top all of this off I am in such a bad place in my head that I don't get to get off any of my medication but I have to add to it 6 more pills a day. )):


I feel like I am always second best. I wish people would have left me alone when all I cared about was everyone else and I didn't need anything and I didn't know how to be selfish. Now I am just alone, with no one to vent to, no one to run to, no one who understands how broken down I am. Now I know what my emotions are and I DONT LIKE THEM. I feel like I will never get what I need like I don't matter anymore. Why can't I go back to when I didn't care that I didn't matter. When I didn't care that no one was there when I really needed someone. When I didn't care that everyone was so busy.


It's just hard having heavy burdens. When you feel like your just not good enough for anything. When your caught in a place where your surrounded by so many people with so many issues that you have to burst out for attention. I'm not the kind of person to want to burst out for attention so I just fade in the background. Moving has hit me past my last straw.

This is the second time I have had to move in three months and the last home I had here. I don't have family here and now the family that I have chosen to take on doesn't even have a home for me to run to. I feel like everything has been taken away from me. I know I should be grateful for what I have, and I am but I feel so empty. I keep reaching my hands out to God asking for him to fill my heart with anything, just something that will take even a little bit of this pain away. I have nothing to run to anymore. That was the last place I had to call home, the last place I always felt safe and this just doesn't feel right. This is how I felt when I was in the Crisis Center. Like its a fake plastering of a home that no one really feels conformable in. Somewhere you just make due.