In the fight and attempt

“Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself”―Mahatma Gandhi




I don't have much to say. I am emotionally exhausted. I truly don't know myself anymore. There is just this hole filled with emptiness, a little girl rolled in a ball trying to find her way away from these creatures that keep pulling me in. Tonight was my first day on my pills. Latuda please give me even just a twinkle of hope that I can just get a little bit better. Right now, I can barely function, I can hardly be around people, and there is absolutely no clarity in my brain. I need even an ounce of peace. Something to let me know that someday eventually will get somewhat better.

I am so spun in between what is lie and what is real, who is lying and who is really being up front. Everyone has so many emotions and I can't even decode my own. My emotions are like a foreign language. Like I am standing in the middle of china looking up in the sky for one general direction. I feel like my emotions are as clear as the weather, all four seasons can fall in one day except it is not summer so the sun is inappropriately mixed in with a bitter cold. A chill so strong you shiver straight down to your bones.


I desperately miss my husband. It feels like our connection is just like the seasons falling and picking up again blooming then frosting over. I feel like little by little as I get worse, I lose him a little more each day. It scares me because I know I am the cause of everyone's misery right now and I need him. I need to be close to him but I saw what this did to my mom and my dad. My dad is the most kind generous amazing guy I have ever known and even he couldn't do it forever. He did everything for my mom. He worked two jobs, went to school, took care of both of us kids, took care of my mom, cooked, cleaned, and never fused about one single thing. He always seemed happy but I knew he was dying inside. I don't know how this will end but I am scared. I don't want to live alone, I don't want to have to fight this by myself. I don't want to know that I was the one that caused everyone to run in the opposite direction. I don't know anymore. I really should stop saying that because I really haven't known in a long time.

It has been 7 weeks. I don't know how I feel about this (again I feel stupid saying that) but on a brighter note, my little sister and I have been spending almost every waking moment together and have this incredible bond that I have never had with anyone. I just feel unjudged when she is around. She lets me feel the emotions that I feel and never taunts that. She is just supportive and loving with absolutely no conditions. I feel really comfortable with her. When we spend time together we just hand out and talk and listen to music, we play games and I home school her. She has been learning so much. It is so cool to watch her grow. She is one amazing person. Her heart is so deep. She makes my days seem a little bit 'normal' and it is normal for us because our normal isn't what everyone else's is. Ours is different and we have this difference together. It makes it feel like this fight isn't solo. We have this together and we don't judge each other. Ive only ever known one other person like that and she is my best friend. I am thankful for them for making any and all efforts to make me feel a tiny bit normal and not like a mental patient.