It's been another long while since I have written. I am not sure why the gaps are getting further apart but I can tell you that my mind has been on anything but blogging. Almost a month ago we lost our house due to not being able to pay rent. We had to give our notice and use our last month rent to pay what we couldn't afford. Due to the fact that there are so many of us in our family. (us and two kids) We were unable to find somewhere to stay that would house all of us until we can find something else. Our family had to split up. The kids are staying in tents with their grandma in someone's yard and we are paying to stay with family. Our family splitting up has become the outspoken secret of my family because no one wants to face the homeless issue. Things for us are shaky. We live with my husband's cousin who already have a room mate themselves. It is not a bad situation but they too are not found of the fact that our family had to split up. It has made things very tense around the house. My husband and I have been busting tail to find jobs and my husband successfully found one. Obviously as you can tell the resident manager position didn't work out and we didn't get hired. He is working as an on call fire fighter. Me, I haven't been so lucky. Although, I did have an interview at a local store chain last Monday.


Things without the kids have been heaven and hell. It was so hard for me to be a Mom lately. So hard to push myself to do the work that so many do and so many are never thanked for. It's a hard job being a parent! I miss the kids to death. We only get to see them maybe twice a week because we can't meet at their house and things are tense here so we can't do that either. When we see the kids we take them places like the park. The kids don't really notice much of a difference not having us around partially because they are with someone who is familiar. We lived with their grandma anyways so its someone they are used to spending everyday with. Me on the other hand, I notice. Yeah it's good not having to be on a schedule, or wake up early, or worry about much more then how much we pay to make sure they are taken care of. But it's not the same. I miss hearing them play and laugh, I miss seeing them everyday, I miss the aggravation.

It has been this bittersweet thing. I hate it but I don't want to get used to it either. I am still going to therapy and my suicidal tendencies have gone done. I am trying to get a hold of my depression because without the kids it could really spiral out of control. I can't believe that at this stage in my life I am back at the very bottom. I want to go back to when my husband and I both worked, we had plenty of money, we had the kids, we had our own apartment. Go back when my depression wasn't out of control and our life was perfect. Sometimes I just really want to run away from my life in general and get a new start. I wish it worked like that, I wish we got do-overs.