I love when I have therapy. She told me today that we needed to weight how much I still do, we wrote all of the things I do in a day and weighed them. She said I may not physically be the one doing it but I am still doing those same tasks mentally every minute and we barely brushed on it. She said I need to realize that I am so much stronger then most people and I have held the world by myself for so many years, and that is so much longer then most people could hold that same load. I agree with her, I still feel weighed down. I told her it's because everyone else is so weighed down doing their own stuff that adding in mine is like throwing a rock down a land slide. I don't know what to do. I don't really know who to turn to for help. I need a rock.
She reminded me that not everyone has a hard life, not everyone carries this much weight and burden, not everyone carries this much abandonment and abuse. Very few people do actually. She said my intelligence is so amazing because a lot of my success in getting better has been on my own and not even from her example. My homework for the week is 2-3 days i have to write down everything i do and think about in the day and how each things weighs heavy on my heart. She explained that something is eating my energy and we need to figure out what it is. I am supposed to write down my barriers to expressing my emotions and the specific examples of what happened and why I feel like I can't open up my feelings. I told her it was because no one can handle it and that is what comes out of their mouth. That no one can handle anymore of my stuff. I need to find someone who can. Dusty says I need to search for my inner trust. Someone who can be my consistent rock whether it be a friend, a family member, or someone I know. Someone who I can throw my pebbles at who won't landslide. I don't think I know anyone though.
She said I have always done a good job at filling my empty space but I need to be honest with myself and fill up the space that I am too afraid to fill. The space I feel that I am not good enough to seek out. I also have to practice my grounding techniques and this week my grounding technique is reality. When I am disassociating or having a trigger I need to do my reality techniques which are telling myself what is really there and what is not, using my senses and writing down what is not in my reality and what made me hit that point.
These things aren't to say that I don't care about anyone else or that I am forcing my things on other people, I just have to find someone to help me with the rest of my needs who can manage it. Someone who is willing to help who wont get overloaded and doesn't mind lending a hand. :/ I feel like if I knew who this person was, I would already ave that person's help. I told her all of my rocks are breaking; my older sister, my Ma, my husband, all of my rocks are crumbling and it's leaving me in a really bad position. I need more help and I am supposed to be asking for it but everyone is telling me that can't handle anymore and it's not fair to them to take on anymore of my stuff. I feel like this is all too much, I can't handle it, my family can't handle it, my chosen family can't handle it...what the hell do I do now? These people used to be my emotional strength but no one has any strength left themselves. Mine has vanished along with theirs.
Plus to top all of this off our babysitter hasn't been reliable so I have been forced to watch the kids when I am not supposed to which puts me in a very dangerous situation. I need to figure this all out. God please help me, I don't know how much more weight can be on my back before I just break. I have no where else to be broken and I don't have enough patience to wait forever for things to maybe get better. I am tired of somethings never changing. I don't want to live like this forever. I can't get strong if I feel like someone is bending back my fingers. God please tell me what to do. I don't want to cop out but I don't know how much more I can do or for how long.
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