Just another day

I don't know why I feel so empty. I hate this. I think it is stupid that I always feel this way even when I don't have much of a reason to. Nothing good came out of today but more exhaustion, nightmares from last night and the most retarded appointment EVER. I don't know how people get paid for being ignorant. If stupidity is a job description I will drop a few IQ points and sign me up! That stupid two hour appointment turned into me sitting there for a half hour for her fat ass to come into the waiting room to get me and about two minutes for her to tell me it wasn't necessary for me to be there in the first place because a psychiatrist has already changed my medication and done a psych social on me.


I am getting so paranoid again and I really don't like it. I am in so much pain and I am so exhausted. I hate never being able to sleep. My room is such a mess and everything is dirty. It makes me want to scream because the second I clean everything up and it looks nice there are more piles of shit everywhere. It is so frustrated. It feels endless and I just don't have the energy to continue to pick everything up minute after minute. I am so very tired. I really can't even describe how utterly exhausted I am. I have finals the weekend and I am not prepared at all especially because I finally have a good grade in my finance class but I can tell by how poorly I did on my mid-term and my inability to concentrate that I am probably not going to do very well on it.


I am feeling really good about all of the weight that I have lost, most of it is due to the fact that I can barely ever remember to eat but it makes me feel a little better about myself not being so fat. I have lost over 35lbs in four months. Sunday is two months from my overdose. I always dread that day. It is like a poor reminder of how not far I have come since then. My body is getting very fragile and I don't like it one bit. My bank is in negative right now and it is very stressful. Today was my first 24 hours being without any anxiety medication and I am not adjusting to that very well. I tried to call my dad today but he wasn't home and didn't call me back. I guess I will try again tomorrow. I hope I get my taxes soon. It is something semi-good that might take my mind off of everything for a minute or two.


The more stress comes and the more overwhelmed I get the more I feel like I am never going to get better. Maybe I am just not in a good mood but then again I can't remember a day that I have been in a good mood for more then a few minutes in a least a year or two. My joint pain is getting really bad especially in my left wrist I think it may be my carpel-tunnel. Well I don't have much more to say. I have a lot of things going on but I don't have the mental capacity or the lack of pain to sit and write anymore then I already have. Good night blog world.