“Get busy living or get busy dying.”―Stephen King
Today I have been thinking about my posts yesterday. I can't just give up and I know if my therapist were here she would advocate for me journaling. I get discouraged sometimes because this used to be my "safe place" but there is this part of me that just can't say what I want to when I want to because I know that sometimes I am irrational and I know that the people reading this are sometimes the ones that make me sad. I don't like to upset people and frankly I am just not confrontational.
I do not defend myself and I am just in this space where I truly don't understand what I want or what I need. I think that is why I have this huge need for someone to just fill this space. I want direction and I am just not getting it. I talked to a really close friend of mine today and he has been struggling with drug addiction. He is just so positive and in a way better mental state then I am. I look at the strength of some of the people around me and I just think, if they can do this, maybe I can. I don't have faith in myself and I just need to continue this journey.
The minute I give up, I know I will try and kill myself again and this time I won't open up and let anyone know. I will do it better and then I cannot undo that choice. I flew over the deep end last night and I even went as far as trying to cut myself. I didn't get deep or draw blood but in my frantic state I got a pretty decent lasting mark.
I just want to roll in a ball and cry. I am trying to be strong for all these different people and I am just not. I am no stronger then anyone else struggling around me. I just feel like slowly one by one people are giving up one me and the more people that I see throw in the towel whether it be momentarily or not I just feel like that is one more thing that I have failed at. I want to be better, I don't want to be crying myself to sleep, I don't want to be impatient with my son, I don't want to be miserable and broken hearted. I look at old pictures of myself and I just sob because I have no idea who that woman is.
(Ear muff section)
The only good thing that has come from late is the few hours I have gotten of pure bliss with my husband. Sex might not be a good "release" or so people may think but I am married and not ashamed at all that I have some what of a love life. In these moments I feel as though my world finally gets to pause. The touch of his lips and the feeling of his skin makes me feel like there are at least a few good moments in life. I need this kind of reoccurring regular passion. It is the only time I am clear minded and can just feel. It truly isn't even about the sex itself. I just have this huge passion and love for my husband and that is the way it is supposed to be. I would go to hell and back for him and his love is the only one true thing that has ever given me moments of happiness. Just the feeling of his hands in mine or his lips on my skin just send me into shock. I wish I could just harbor that feeling forever. Maybe things in my world would seem right then.
Today I have been thinking about my posts yesterday. I can't just give up and I know if my therapist were here she would advocate for me journaling. I get discouraged sometimes because this used to be my "safe place" but there is this part of me that just can't say what I want to when I want to because I know that sometimes I am irrational and I know that the people reading this are sometimes the ones that make me sad. I don't like to upset people and frankly I am just not confrontational.
I do not defend myself and I am just in this space where I truly don't understand what I want or what I need. I think that is why I have this huge need for someone to just fill this space. I want direction and I am just not getting it. I talked to a really close friend of mine today and he has been struggling with drug addiction. He is just so positive and in a way better mental state then I am. I look at the strength of some of the people around me and I just think, if they can do this, maybe I can. I don't have faith in myself and I just need to continue this journey.
The minute I give up, I know I will try and kill myself again and this time I won't open up and let anyone know. I will do it better and then I cannot undo that choice. I flew over the deep end last night and I even went as far as trying to cut myself. I didn't get deep or draw blood but in my frantic state I got a pretty decent lasting mark.
I just want to roll in a ball and cry. I am trying to be strong for all these different people and I am just not. I am no stronger then anyone else struggling around me. I just feel like slowly one by one people are giving up one me and the more people that I see throw in the towel whether it be momentarily or not I just feel like that is one more thing that I have failed at. I want to be better, I don't want to be crying myself to sleep, I don't want to be impatient with my son, I don't want to be miserable and broken hearted. I look at old pictures of myself and I just sob because I have no idea who that woman is.
(Ear muff section)
The only good thing that has come from late is the few hours I have gotten of pure bliss with my husband. Sex might not be a good "release" or so people may think but I am married and not ashamed at all that I have some what of a love life. In these moments I feel as though my world finally gets to pause. The touch of his lips and the feeling of his skin makes me feel like there are at least a few good moments in life. I need this kind of reoccurring regular passion. It is the only time I am clear minded and can just feel. It truly isn't even about the sex itself. I just have this huge passion and love for my husband and that is the way it is supposed to be. I would go to hell and back for him and his love is the only one true thing that has ever given me moments of happiness. Just the feeling of his hands in mine or his lips on my skin just send me into shock. I wish I could just harbor that feeling forever. Maybe things in my world would seem right then.
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