Silenced. Again.

I don't know why I continue this. I don't know why I keep fighting. Nothing I ever do is good enough and nothing will be. I'm silenced. I am not allowed to think or feel and if I say something wrong then I ruined someone's day. It's my responsibility to lock up my emotions and if they slip out I am on death row. I have no more fight left. I have to fight everyday with myself, fight everyday just to function, and fight everyday with everyone around me. Everyone else's emotions and problems matter, just not mine. If I am upset or sad then I am just sick or have issues. Nothing is ever really a problem. It is all in my head. No one but me ever does anything wrong. I don't think I have any more strength to fight. I am not good enough for anyone not my mom, not my husband, not my kids, no one. SO why am I doing this? Why am I killing myself fighting every second to just be told that if I am sad I won't be talked to, that because of me everyone else is so tired and broken and worn out, because of me their good days turn bad. I will never be enough. Why am I fighting for a goal that I will never reach. I have to be perfect. Smile and only speak when I am asked to, never show sadness or emotion. I am not allowed to be human, to make mistakes even though everyone around me has made worse ones. I had one day of a mistake and yet people around me have lied for years, been addicts, been imperfect. So what am I the only one who has to hit this standard? I can't reach it, I have been stretching and bending myself to try and reach it for someone, anyone. But I have never been enough to please anybody.


I am always too fat, too emotional, too mean, too over dramatic, too needy, too irresponsible, too broken, too predictable. When will I ever just be ME. When will someone in this world tell me that I have flaws and I am still beautiful with or without them. When will someone finally say that I don't have to change every ounce of who I am to fit someone else's mold? PLEASE GOD TELL ME WHEN! I am breaking downn into even smaller pieces. I am damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. I don't go inside enough because I am isolating myself but the second I open my mouth everyone freaks out. Everyone is drifting away or maybe I am the one stuck in the current. I'm not sure either way all I know is that I am drowning and as more and more water fills my lungs, I just want my lack of oxygen to finish me off. I'm already dead inside and I am not benefiting anyone by being here. So where does that leave me? I can't keep killing everyone and everything around me. I'm already dead inside. I'm not making anyone happy. I don't think I have place in this world. I wish for once I could just make one person happy.