Time

“Better not to give in. It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart.”―Suzanne Collins




Nothing feels real anymore. Everything feels like a terrible dream that I just can't get out of. I don't know what's real and what's a lie. I hate the way things are now. I hate the fact that people act like I should be better. You can't get over your guilt for something you have done when it has absolutely negatively impacted everyone and everything around me. Nothing in my life is the same anymore. Everyone spends their time going in "shifts" with my kids and no one is happy about it, I don't get one ounce of time with my husband anymore, I don't get time with anyone anymore because everyone is either so completely tangled in a million different things or just feels like I am an adult so for some reason that means that love becomes a last priority.


I feel like everything that happens I am looking in from a sound proof window, screaming but no one can hear me. I feel like I have absolutely no power in anything that happens, anything I say or do or feel. I have felt this way my entire life. The only difference now is that there are bars on my window and I am bound to a chair. I don't have anything to call my own anymore. I share every ounce of everything. I am watching everyone and everything crumble in front of me. My marriage, all of my relationships, the core foundation that used to be in my life, the whole being of everyone I love.







You will probably see a turn around in my focus of my blog. I stopped to think, to process. I took a shower, I am not sure why but that is the only thing that seems to turn my mood around just a little bit. I need to start rendering my faith. I need to be praising God for the little things that are good in my life. The things that do make sense. Even if there isn't much, people always say it's about the little things in life. I was always good with my love for God, I sin like everyone else but I was good at following God. I could easily remember bible verses and understand the word. One of my favorite scriptures is one that I could never forget in a million years,

"For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Jesus Christ, for it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believes"-Romans 1:16




It has been 48 days<3