Update

Again its been a long time since I have written anything. I guess I just feel like no one reads it so there is no point. I know my therapist would absolutely disagree whole heartedly. LOL. As usual a lot has happened since I last posted anything. So let's see how much I can accurately look back on.

In September I started working at Fred Meyer part time in the nutrition center. I absolutely loved it. It gave me a little bit of purpose and taught me something new. It was physically very hard on my body but I enjoyed it. After two months of working there I got fired. I was a little bit disappointed but after talking to my sister and rearranging our bills to make everything work, we got it handled. In October our son moved back in with us because he wasn't doing well being away from me all of the time. He was getting very depressed and it just was not a good situation. We are still renting a room from a family member so things are very cramped and tight but we are making it work. Our daughter is still living with her grandma.

We found a two bedroom apartment that we really liked and applied for it. We will know something between tomorrow and Monday. It was the cheapest thing we could find. Oddly enough it was cheaper then most studio apartments. We are really crossing our fingers because it would be good for us to have our daughter back part time. We aren't taking her away from her grandma because it would not be good for either of them. Our daughter has lived with her grandma since she was two months old (she is 14 months now.) So taking her away from what she knows would be too traumatic for her. So we figure when she wants to be home she will come home. We will shoot for about half the week.

In 9 days it makes it to the one year anniversary of my suicide attempt. I guess all I can say is that it is a bittersweet memory. I am not really sure as of right now how I feel about it. I can still recall each moment like it happened yesterday. So far I have been doing really good. Still exhausted and have spouts of depression and my anxiety and hair pulling is about the same but I have been successfully off of my pills for months now even without therapy. I am taking care of my son 24/7 by myself with very little help from my husband and when my daughter is here even though she prefers her dad all the care is pretty much done by me. So I have been in full swing of the mom thing again. It is tiring but I am closer now to my son then I have ever been which I never thought was possible (because I have always been very attached to him.)

All in all I really don't know what to say. would I say that I'm back to normal? Hell no, I never was at a normal. But I have a better understanding that I will always have to deal with these demons that I have. Depression is just a part of me and I can live with that. There were many times in my life where I thought I couldn't but I think that I can. I hope that I can. Life is not perfect but we are working hard to get everything back in order. Most of the time I am just kind of numb. Numb is not the exact feeling but its the closest thing that I can use to describe it. These headaches bother me more than anything. They are absolutely draining and make me so irritable but I refuse to go back on medication for anything even over the counter. I've had enough of pumping myself full of countless pills. I don't know I guess that is all I have for right now. Just thought I would give an update.