63 days and still drowning

“The truth lies buried in the darkness of the soul.”―Caligula


I hate having so many emotions all the time. My sister called me tonight drunk and upset and I feel her. I understand the pain she feels right now and that's hard for me. I hate what he did to her. I hate that people are like that. You give someone an option and THEY pick the wrong one and yet they blame you for making them choose in the first place. Everything in life is a choice.


She keeps trying to get me to move in with her and that makes me so sad because I do need her and I do love her and I certainly want her around but I am no good to anyone right now and it is no fair for anyone to see me like this, it is part of why I hide so much. It does nothing but hurt everyone, why would I want to sit and have it affect people more? My memory is getting worse and I can't believe that is even possible. I have to set an alarm just to remember to take my pills. It took me 4 days to remember to even fill my pills. UHHHHH. I am so angry that this is happening to me. I will not accept this! I am tired of being in pain all the time, I am tired of forgetting everything. I am tired of being this stupid fucking person. I HATE THIS!


I am so irritated. I can't even explain. I have no more fight left. I can't do this everyday. I hate fighting with everyone about everything all the freaking time. I want just one day where something doesn't go wrong. My head feels like it is going to explode because it hurts so bad. I am tired of still continuing to be the only one to do things like take care of myself, clean the room, do all the finances, remind other people to take care of themselves, etc. I am not even supposed to be doing any of this. I am tired of always fighting and I am tired of being the only one with patience when I should be the only one that doesn't have any. Everyone keeps saying that they understand what I am going through and yet no one ever even asks me how my day is or what happens in a day. I am tired of it. I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this without just saying fuck it. My life is way too fucking stressful. I really don't think having this much stress is an every person thing. At least I hope not, if it is then no wonder why the suicide rate is so high! I want to be done. I am tired of wishing that I could just die in my sleep.


I am just going to stop talking, everyday I think well the things I am saying are important but no one else seems to think so so you know what I am just going to let everyone do what they want and whatever happens is going to be their fault because I am tired of always being the one to blame. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYTHING IN THIS WORLD! The only person I am responsible for is myself. If things don't change soon I don't know how well I will be able to get through this week if at all. I don't even get to have therapy this week so me being in this state is NOT good!!


On a different note, I found out the the girl who adopted my sister's other son is on facebook now. I sent her a message because her pictures are blocked and I have a right to know who he is. I was nice to her and ever said I understood if it was all too personal for her. Hopefully something good comes out of it because I need at least one good thing. I can't take anymore bad, negative, or criticizing. I am tired of being the only one forced to change but I guess that's why people say you can only change yourself. Everyone else has to choose. Maybe my life isn't what I thought it should be. I don't know anything anymore. I feel like everyone hates me. Maybe it is all just too much for them. Can't blame them, I am too much for me!


63 days and still drowning.