anger

I am tired of blow ups; I wish that one day could be peaceful. Today I ended up having to get in a fight with my Ma again about spanking my son. I hate fighting, I think it is so unnecessary and it doesn’t solve anything. I feel like no one thinks I do anything. This makes me really sad because most of the time I spend taking care of my little sister and making sure her problems aren’t getting worse especially because she feels like all anyone ever does is judge or yells at her. I think we get along so well because I feel the same. I feel like everyone shows an example the opposite of the things that come out of their mouth. I am either with her, on the phone with her, texting her. And I can’t even tell you how scared she is to confide in anyone else, even about little things and lately I feel the same way because anytime I say anything I either hear that I am bringing everyone down or that I am just pissing everyone off. Then I get guilt tripped about me not doing enough.


It is so heart breaking to me. I am not even against spanking kids, at all. I don’t think it’s wrong I just think there are situations where it is not appropriate and hitting a kid doesn’t show them anymore respect. I can name at least one child in almost everyone family who is still a disrespectful prick who got spanked as a kid. I was physically beat all the time I don’t respect my mom at all.I respected her more being a tweaker then her hitting us because she was mad.


People always say don’t be disrespectful but then disrespect other people themselves, they say don’t be angry but then blow up all the time, they say let things go and don’t focus on the negative but no one can get over their own problems either. All of this makes me sad. I feel like I have no one to be close to anymore, I don’t have my mom, I don’t have my husband, I don’t have my Ma, and having my friends know my personal life isn't appropriate. I keep trying to be around people more but the more I do the more I am just so completely stressed out because I don't understand why everyone is so utterly pissed off all the time.


I think this is why mad is not an emotion I feel often. I can't walk around life pissed off all the time because it pushes people away. It hurts people to the core and I just don't want that. I wish I had someone to talk to, someone who wouldn't just tell me I am crazy or stupid or emotional. I don't get why I am never right. I never have a good opinion or idea and people always take advantage of the little bad things rather then the good things. I was going to write in my other blog today but honestly I don't have one good thing to say. Not at all. I am very upset and hurt and confused. I am tired of being kicked when I am down especially when I am not the one to make people angry or be the one to use everyone. I have never done anything but take care of and protect the people I love. I have NEVER asked anyone to do anything for me. I have never had a huge outburst except with my brother in law who almost hurt my kids. I am always the one to keep my mouth closed and bottle it up because no one would stick by me if I did the things they did. But I am always around because to me love is love mistakes or not. I just wish people would say their sorry. I don't know why that's such a hard thing. Yet it is usually the people who aren't wrong that end up apologizing, being the bigger person, and realizing love is more important. I don't get why no one shows unconditional love anymore.

I need to just shut up and not say anything. Maybe I was right all along, maybe I don't do enough to have an opinion. Maybe I just need to do everything again that way everyone else can be happy. It seems like no one is happy if I am not giving everyone enough time even if I sacrifice too. No one thinks I do apparently my life is perfect. But it doesn't matter, no one asks me what is wrong anyways. No one ever cares how I feel or why and I can tell you other then myself and this blog there is not one single person that even knows what I have happen in a day and I never go into detail even here. It seems like everyone else just has so much going on that no one cares about what is going on among them or how their problems negatively affect other people. I always try every day to tell everyone I appreciate all they do for me because I know what people sacrifice, I know how exhausted everyone is, and I care about how they feel and why and even when I am not around I keep tabs on everything because its important to me.

Maybe I just wasn't cut out for life. Maybe I am just not good enough or something. Why spill your beans if no one cares to listen anyways? I don't know what to do anymore, I feel like no one wants me around. Maybe this is why I was better off dead. At least then everyone would be happier. One less problem.