I have a hard time writing a lot for fear of sounding like I am complaining too much or getting too repetitive. It's also hard weeding out certain details so that I can remain anonymous. I edited a few of my blog entries tonight out of fear that people will connect the dots. I think the way it is now I could still get away with denying it LOL. The only thing that really connects me is my suicide attempt date but I am sure I was not the only person to try and commit suicide that day and truly not a lot of people remember the exact date anyways.
We have had some childish stuff happen in our house lately. Our room mates do not respect or understand why after we move out I am going to preserve the relationship my daughter has to her grandmother. I certainly do not care who understands or respects it either. She has helped raise her since she was two months old there is no way I am just going to take her cold turkey and never let them have the bond that they have always had. They take that and assume that it means we are not fighting to get our family back together which couldn't be further from the truth.
We literally have to check in with them about all the job searches my husband does, almost like a parole officer. Like I always say and don't get me wrong I am appreciative just to be able to have a roof over mine, my husband, and my son's head but always being told we aren't trying hard enough gets irritating. We try and do everything possible to keep as much peace as possible; cleaning after them and ourselves, keeping our son as quiet as possible, keeping him in the bedroom as much as possible, offering to buy anything for the house, etc. We are even going to be paying them more rent now.
Things aren't perfect because our son is a toddler and makes a mess which is very hard to trail behind him every second and if we miss something there is always a blow out about how we disrespect their home. It makes me feel like a serious inconvenience. And I don't really want to say "room mates" because it is not all of them just one of them. The rest of them try and keep the peace like we do but in different ways. One of them in particular has really gone above and beyond for us and I appreciate that so much because even the small things help. She tries to keep things calm and gives advice and suggestions on how to make things better.
I want to complain about the stuff that bothers me because I know it is healthy to get it out but at the same time it makes me cringe to do because I don't want to seem ungrateful when I am the furthest thing from it. All in all it's not the situations that irritate me at all it's my people pleasing. When something goes wrong I get too hard on myself because I am not doing things perfectly. It is hard living with anyone period and things have to be adjusted to fit the situation. No one and nothing is perfect. It is all trial and error especially when there are 6 different people with 6 different opinions in one house.
I am almost half way done with my associates degree. In this set of classes I have really busted my butt and I have an A in both classes with only 2 weeks left. I am pretty proud of myself especially because these classes have had a much bigger work load because I am getting into the courses that actually have to do with my major.
My husband has been doing more to pitch in since the last room mate blow out the other day, I think he is starting to really realize that it is physically and mentally impossible for one person to do everything. My hair pulling is still very much out of control but I am just trying to stay as positive as possible.
No comments:
Post a Comment