Day 50

“Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain. <3”






Today has been an interesting day, detox day number two and it still sucks! Big time. My body is starting to hurt and my mind is slowing down. I don't know how I can be any more forgetful or unclear then I have been lately but I am. My anger has pulsed today and I am so sick of bastard ass people. I do not have enough meds to deal with some of the stupid people I have dealt with. I am tired of people thinking that they know me, know what I have been through, know what I am going through. I honestly can't believe that anyone would tell me that I tried to commit suicide because I couldn't hack it at life and that I can't handle being a parent. One more person says this to me and I swear to God I am going to start punching people in the face. Who the fuck do people think they are? No one has any idea what is going on in my head except for what people hear directly out of my mouth. With that exception of people, it is truly none of anyone's damn business what my problems or issues are. I am tired of everyone talking shit about me and my family. No one EVER has the right to bring my kids into something they know nothing about. People need to shut the fuck up and stop creating drama. No one has the right to judge me and I do mean NO ONE. Everyone can get off of their high horse and pull their nose out of my business. You don't understand, you will never understand, you can never understand, and you have no right to understand in the first place. I don't spread my business across the fucking universe because of the sole reason that IT IS NO ONE'S BUSINESS! I am seriously pissed. I am tired of all of the hate I am receiving for everyone and their damn mom. I am not hurting anyone so why in the hell does everyone want to execute me. I have done nothing wrong and what I did was about me and only me, not my children, not my husband, not my friends, not my educational standing, not my past present and or future. It had to do with me and my reality. My perception of myself.


And you know what? I don't give a flying fuck what anyone thinks because they have never been where I have they have never heard the voices I hear, see the shit I see, believe the shit I believe or think the way I do. I have never been a bad mom, I have never hurt or abused my kids, I have never lashed out at my children on mentally abused them, I have never done drugs around them or in front of them, I have never been drunk around them, I have never neglected their well-being or left them without. So fuck you and your damn opinions. I have never gotten my kids taken away from me and I am doing the best thing that I could ever do for my kids which is stepping back when I feel disturbed or unstable so that my illnesses do not negatively affect them. I will never be sorry for bettering myself and my life so that I can learn to love myself and take care of myself. Maybe I am weak and maybe there is a chance that I will never make it to my goals and aspirations. Maybe there is a chance that I will decline and get worse, get more ill and fucked up but at least I am sitting here, trying, fighting my ass off everyday. I am not just a fucked up person or a mom that just can't handle her children. I love my kids with everything I have and I have never done anything less then go to hell and back for both of them! Mentally and physically, yes there was ONE day in my entire life in which I did something for me, something selfish to take my pain away, for one moment, one second. But I would rather have that one second of selfishness then walk through my entire life being someone that belittles other people.


I do not boast about the good deeds I do or the people I take care of because I am not walking around life trying to get credit every time I do something correct to my own standards and morals. I do not do things because other people think that it is sweet or unfair or any other description. I do what is right for me, my family, my husband, my little sister, my Ma and the people that I choose to love. I do not give conditions or stipulation on what people can and can't do in order to continue to give my love and I would NEVER tell someone that I needed something in return. Love is a gift not a trade. So fuck everyone in this world. If you don't like me I don't frankly care and if you do thank you for being something that keeps me going but what role you play is your choice and I will not lay down what I believe is right and wrong just to be accepted by someone who doesn't have heart enough to love me for who I am, who I am not, and what I have to offer; flaws included.


Maybe most of the world will never understand what it is like to be schizophrenic or hallucinate or hear voice, to hate yourself with such a passion that you think the world is better off without you, and you know something? It is people like that that make me hate myself. I do not need help in that department and I can hate myself by my own standards without anyone's help. My insecurities are mine for a reason and I have never forced anyone to care about me. If you don''t want to please find the nearest exit because I would much rather see someone walk away then for someone to look me in the face and spit on my dignity. I am me and maybe I am still trying to figure out who "me" is but I am still me and I am still human. I make mistakes just like everyone else and if you think my sin is worse then yours then maybe you need to go back and reread your bible.